i wish, i wish, i wish

because of you by kelly clarkson

i will not make the same mistakes that you did
i will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
i will not break the way you did you fell so hard
i learned the hard way to never to let it get that far

because of you i never strayed too far from the sidewalk
because of you i learned to play on the safe side so i don't get hurt
because of you i find it hard to trust, not only me, but everyone around me
because of you
i am afraid

i lose my way and it's not too long before you point it out
i cannot cry because i know that's weakness in your eyes
i'm forced to fake--a smile--a life--everyday of my life
my heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with

i watched you die
i heard you cry every night in your sleep
i was so young
you should have known better than to lean on me
you never thought of anyone else you just saw your pain
and now i cry in the middle of the night for the same damn thing

because of you i never strayed too far from the sidewalk
because of you i learned to play on the safe side so i don't get hurt
because of you i try my hardest just to forget everything
because of you i don't know how to let anyone else in
because of you i'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
because of you i am afraid
because of you


i wish that i could explain me and my mom as well as this song does.

memories from my childhood come in and out of my life like the sunshine that ever so often peeks through the autumn trees. but not in a good way. every once in a while i get a face full of these blinding memories that i would rather just forget about.

see, i sail through my life and trying to forget that i am any different than the average american family.

and then my mom will call.

crying.

again.

about some terrible man, or boss, or money situation. and i can hardly breathe while she bawls and tells me the half of the story that she wants me to hear.

i never know what to say.

then she proceeds to tell me how this is all my dad's fault. my dad who has been out of the picture for over 7 years. but somehow even today it's still his fault.

growing up with her was nothing but normal.

to me.

i mean when you're a kid and you don't know anything else, it's all "normal" right? up until my dad left things were crazy but controllable. then my dad tore up our life in a way that is unimaginable. i know she was devestated. i heard about it every night. i dealt with her while she cried and screamed. and then for a while didn't cry--which was even worse. i watched her walk through the toughest divorce imaginable. she wasn't a graceful divorcee. . . and for good reason. my dad had left us with nothing. he went to jail for unspeakable offenses and we were just left to deal.

my mom, a fifteen year old me, my two little sisters, and an unborn baby.

sometimes i think we did more dealing than she did. she stayed in her room for a year. she was in a terrible depression and i'll say it once more--for good reason. her life was ripped apart. but what about us? through all this she instilled things in me. the kind of things that this song talks about. fear. the inability to trust. staying safe relationally. not letting people in.

i feel i have, by grace only, moved on. learned to deal with the pain and hurt that came from my childhood. but everyday that i have to deal with my mother i deal with the same hurt as she had 7 years ago. just as fresh and deep as when i was 16 and she would come cry in my bed and ask me to be the strong one.

and yet her grip on my heart is iron, i can't get away from feeling every harsh word. or longing for a reassuring one. i continue to yearn for my mother's love and affection. sometimes i wish so hard that i could just let go. let go of all the feelings i have for her when i answer the phone to her. just so it wouldn't hurt so much when she calls only to tell me about her latest drama--or to ask me to babysit.

i wish.

i wish alot of things could have been different. but i refuse to become the martyr here--that is her role. i wish just for once i could take something to my mother and get love in return. maybe support. i wish for just a second that it could be about me and my problems or praises instead of hers. i wish that she could be proud of me. instead of jealous. or just quiet.

i wish.

i wish i had no reason to talk about my mom like this. i wish i could complain that she wanted more than her share of holidays or family pictures.

seeing this in black and white leaves me feeling so selfish--but i am so dissappionted. . .

these are the kind of dissappointments that i cannot give to Christ. i try. but i take them back. i think that somehow I can make this better. if i try harder. if i let my life be a witness to her. if i am kinder. if i could only get through to her!

i can't give these dissappiontments to God because that would mean that she really is just a bad mom. and that's not what i want. i want a good mom. i want an awesome grandmother for my daughter. so i keep trying. trying to fix her. trying to bandage up my dissappointment and act like someday soon it will all be okay. one day soon i'll get a call from her where she asks me out to coffee.

or to go shopping.
or to just talk.
about her and me.
or about my daughter.

i don't want to give her to God becuase that would mean giving up. giving up the idea that one day i'll have the mom i've always wanted.

oh how i wish . . .

must reads

so i got tagged to name my favorite five blogs a while back. (thanks joash!) and i am finally getting around to posting my fab five.

1. my alltime favorite blog is jeff's at www.soigo.blogspot.com. he is an amazing writer and has an amazing mind for imagery. his posts are like a tangible sermon. he uses illistrations that i can touch and feel. leaving me eternally impacted. his blog is a must read!

2. aslipofthepen.blogsome.com is an awesome site. she is an amazing artist and writes in such a way that makes ordinary life interesting.

3. number three is my good friend at inthequiet.blogspot.com . she writes in a train of conciousness form that lifts the top of her head off and shares her every thought with us all. she has a deep walk with the Father that's very convicting. the quotes that she posts are always sure to hit a nerve:)

4. is a friend's sister at nimrodnew.blogspot.com . if i am having a bad mommy day all i need to do is go to her site and get some advice on how to do it better. she is a great mom and wife and student and is very ALIVE. she is a unique person and does amazing things every day. she is a walking example for me.

5. kathkk.blogspot.com is a new friend that i've stumbled across that is a really friendly soul. she keeps two blogs and is so passionate about life and making a difference. she is someone that i would love to get to know better. she has amazing poetry and photos and she has this unique way of making art out of life.

here's my five. i was true to myself in choosing the five that mean the most to me everyday but i feel i am leaving out so many! please read and enjoy!

a love story

i just talked to me five years ago. her name is kelly.

she looks a bit like me and unfortunately acts like me--five years ago.

she is young--so young she has no idea. and she's making mistakes-- so many mistakes, she has no idea.

see we've been talking to this couple--kinda. david and kelly. they are so eric and i. they've dated forever, been through everything together and then kelly broke up with david about 2 months ago. he's devestated. he's still amazingly in love with her and is bound and determined that she's the one. and she. . . well she isn't so sure. that was so eric and i.

so we've talked to david . . . alot. nursed him through some really rough times these past few months. i think that eric has seen more of himself in david than he'd like to admit. their break up has come at an amazing time in eric and i's life. we are just beginning to learn and grow through some of the things that happenned in tennessee 5 years ago and seeing such a fresh picture of who we were has been unbelievable.

so in talking to david, i've become a little obsessed with saving them from the terrible things that our long ago break up meant for us. i have felt honored to be a part of the kind of love that eric and i once had . . . helping david and kelly has meant helping a lost and hurting eric and lexi. that kind of love we had--you don't come across often. in talking to kelly tonight i've sadly discovered that really i've only come across it once in my lifetime.

and that once was with eric.

and me.

a little over 11 years ago.

when that 14 year old boy met that 12 year old girl something special happened. something that no one else can ever expirience. something that only the two of us have felt. and even those crazy things that happened between a very confused 19 year old and 21 year old. those are things that no matter how much similarily we find in other people's lives--no one else will ever feel. not david and kelly--or anyone else.

when i talked to kelly tonight i'm afraid that she heard some of that urgency in my voice. the one that i was trying so hard to hide. i couldn't help but let that urgency into my words when i told her my story and how i'd do it different if i had a chance. i felt that i was talking to me, 5 years ago and if i'd have held any of it back tonight i think that it would have been just one more regret.

so kelly and i talked about God, about relationships and ultimately about her finding out who she is. all things i know she couldn't get a handle on because of tonight's conversation but i thought i'd give it my best shot. i hope that 5 years ago i would have listened to what i had to say today. i hope--i really hope.

know what though? whether or not i made a lasting impact on kelly's life tonight i know one thing. she made a lasting impact on mine. she and david, without having a clue what they were doing were just the type of marital counseling eric and i needed. they were like a big mirror for us. maybe even one of those blasted magnifying mirrors. they allowed eric and i to look in on us the way we were. and if the way we were was beautiful--the way we are is indescribable!

after talking to david last friday i left eric a note that has dramatically changed our relationship.

for the better.

and i don't think i would have left that note if i hadn't seen the hurt in david's eyes earlier that day when he was telling me about how kelly had never loved him back...how it was always her asking for more and him trying to give it but how it never went the other way. and i was so sad. sad for them and sad for eric.

that i was that way and always had been.

there was just something about that conversation and seeing me causing eric that kind of hurt that made me go home and make that divine first move. the one i always make eric take. and it was amazing. for once i loved eric like he loved me and it seemed to change everything...

so tonight as i think over the past five years--i have to thank david and kelly for helping us through them. best of luck to them on their journey--perhaps a journey together or perhaps one apart. above all i wish them a journey with their Creator and a journey with their soulmate--whoever that may be.

so i've gotten a little sappy tonight--and please forgive me for that but--i am a woman in love with my husband. is there any reason not to share that?

the storm

lynz & ky--this song is for you! as God leads two of my favorite people into scary places, i want you both to know that i love you and to have faith that this storm will be over soon!

storm by lifehouse


how long have i been in this storm?
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head

if i could just see You
everything would be alright
if i could see You
this darkness would turn into light
and i will walk on water
and You will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into Your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everthing will be alright

i know You didn't
bring me out here to drown
so why am i ten feet under
and upside down?
barely surviving
has become my purpose
because i am so used to
living underneath the surface

if i could see You
everything would be alright
and if i could see You
this darkness would turn into light

and i
will walk on water
and You will catch me
if i fall
and i
will get lost into Your eyes
and everything
would be alright
everything would be so right
everything's alright

listening ears

today was a rough one here in the land of laundry. jaeda had no capacity for listening today. if you've ever spent time with a four year old, you probably know all about their lack of listening abilities.

i said, "jaeda, stop squeezing the cat". and she didn't.
i said, "jaeda, use kind words". and she didn't.
i said, "jaeda, eat your lunch". and she didn't.
i said, "jaeda, go to sleep". and she didn't.
i said, "jaeda, be quiet". and she didn't.
i said, "jaeda, stop banging those toys together". and she didn't
i said, "jaeda, wait your til i get off the phone". and she didn't
i said, "jaeda, wipe your face". and she didn't
i said, "jaeda, wait your turn". and she didn't
i said, "jaeda, stop yelling". and she didn't
i said, "jaeda, stop yelling". and she still didn't
i said, "JAEDA, STOP YELLING!". and she still didn't.
i said, "JAEDA, PLEASE STOP YELLING OR YOU ARE GETTING SPANKED". and she STILL didn't!

then i realized i was also yelling and couldn't spank her for something i was also doing . . . or could i?

words cannot describe the level of my frustration.

at "naptime"--or rather the two hours that jaeda refused to sleep--i took a few moments to collect my sanity and in my moment of frustration i heard it. . . and i wanted to do anything but listen to the still small voice inside me that said,

"you are so upset at her for her lack of listening and yet you refuse to hear My voice calling you."

my yelling at her for yelling was the very least of the hypocrytical things i did today.

i am God's four year old that hears His warning and does it anyway. i am his child that likes to play deaf. He has the best just waiting for me and yet i would rather go my own way than heed his call. He must be beyond frustration with me.

how sad.
that i have put my heavenly Father on mute.
how tragic.
that i have passed on a chance to obey His perfect will.
how sorry i am-- because i now know a fraction of what He must feel!!!!!!!!!!!

so tonight i pray for an old fashioned pair listening ears. remember the kind? well i'd like to get mine out, put them on, and tune them in to hear that still small voice that i have been ignoring for a long time--longer than i'd like to admit. i pray for the courage to obey those quiet promptings. . .

. . . and since i am praying for listening ears, is it too much to ask that jaeda get a pair too?

grandma lodi

we are the same

her hands are my hands

with wrinkles and spots
her life is my life . . . + 57
without her i would never have been me
without her i would never have been . . .
so here she sits
me in a million years
or so it seems sometimes
but not today
today it feels like we are the same
she was me yesterday
i am her tomorrow
we share blood
we share love
we share family
but i am as stingy with my youth
as she is with her sentiments
she refrains from speaking of death
but i hear it whisper all around us
in her tired eyes and forgetful mind
screaming in her skinny arms and stubborn steps
she was mother of many
grandmother of more
great grandmother of me
please tell me her yesterday will come back tomorrow
please tell me that tommorow i'll be the same as today
if the truth is her death than
tell me a lie
tell me a lie
how my youth hates her age
hates that her once generous life
is now robbing her of all she has left
--pride
she seems quiet
calm even
she seems to understand what i don't
yet she won't tell me
what it feels like to hear the knock
and wait for death to come in
where i see an intruder
and she sees a neighbor
looking at her now
i see a movie of memories
blow pops and home made ice cream
carey grant and audrey stamps
who knows when she will go
yet all i can think is
who will remember my birthday?
since it's all about me
her approaching death is a mirror
in which i see myself
in which i see my frailty
in which i see my future
and i'm scared for us
for her today
for me tomorrow
we share a memory of youth
an ache of age
a glimpse of death
though i am terrified of her death
i am blessed by her blood
proud that she's mine
and a bit fearful to find

we are the same


my great-grandmother is dying. slowly and unmercifully. it is so hard to watch. i went to see her today and was broken by what i found left of her. she was so great 3 months ago. how can this kind of death come so fast? her death has me thinking about so many things. i had to get something out on paper in order for it to start to make sense to me . . . logical sentences seemed too harsh for such a tender subject. i love my grandmother . . . she means so much to me. she means there is someone bigger and wiser that is looking out for me. in all my stupid youth i have never imagined that she would actually be gone one day. today it hit me all at once and it left such an impact. i have been reeling all day from the news of her imminent departure.

lost and found

i've found inspiration quite similar to a lost set of keys. i always seem to find it where i least expect it and oftimes in a place that i've already looked.

it seems funny to think that today it was in a cluttered mess of a closet that i found clarity of thought! somewhere in the middle of talking on the phone to a friend, keeping j busy and sorting through useless junk--i felt centered. all of the sudden a rush of thoughts and emotions swarmed into my head, and in case i should forget, i felt an express need to write it all down.

after feeling such a lack of motivation for life for so long-- inspiration felt so, so, good. i felt impowered to live life fuller, love my family deeper and chase my dreams more passionately. i don't know if i can explain it. it came like a warm summer rain after a long, long, drought. i just wanted to stand there--chin up, mouth open, and arms spread wide-- to soak it all in.

the last few weeks i've been going through the motions of living life and not really feeling it, tasting it, smelling it, savoring it. . .it's left me feeling lifeless and cold.

i used to think that inspiration and God had nothing to do with each other. . . but as i've gotten older it's like all these parts of my life that i've tried to keep seperate for so long, have somehow become woven together.

what i'm trying to say is that my art, my words and my life used to be mine. things that i held close to me, cluching them tightly, so that no one. . . not even God could get a glimpse . . . i now find that something about that has changed . . . inside . . . and no longer are my talents and my life a song i sing for me, they are now a song i sing for my Father.

. . . so in these past few weeks while attempting to do life without my Father-- i had lost my inpiration to sing at all.

my God and my inspiration for life-- somewhere along the ride have become one. . . without one i can't find the other. i hope next time i try to pull away from my Father i will remember this lesson. remember that without Him, i am not me. without Him, there is no one being perfect in my weakness . . . there is only my weakness.

my heart feels grateful to stand for a moment in this deluge of inspiration and information and just simply take it all in. i welcome it as a cleansing flood. . . washing away so much of the blur that has been confusing my life and making it hard for me to see.

i thank God for lost inpiration and for found. i thank God that He wants to be a part of everything that has to do with me. it thrills me to think that He wants to know every piece and every part of who i am. that He wants to be in the center of it. i thank God that he jealously pushes his was into my secret places, turning my nothings into somethings and breathing His beautiful, breathtaking inspiration into my otherwise-- cold, lackluster, life.

dancing alone

i have spent the past month in careful dance of evasion. evasion of hurt, memories, arguments, God and even myself. it's been pretty ridicuous really. but i have just felt . . . blah. too blah to do anything but evade everything.

you know, i think that i was getting so close to getting the elusive spiritual "IT" ( as if it even exists) and the "IT" just turned out to be too much. so i backed off, and slowed down--well let's tell the truth now--i just stopped. stopped persuing why i do what i do, stopped persuing a healthy and authentic walk with Christ. i just stopped trying at all. the same way i walk out on a game when i am losing, the same way i childishly quit something when i feel am not getting fair treatment or the way i stop talking when i feel too . . . exposed. that's what happened. i quit. for all the same reasons i've ever quit.

and over the past few weeks i have attempted to jump start my walk with Christ with worship songs, devotions and new spiritual resolutions but i've gotten nowhere. it seems that i have danced this dance of evasion too long and gotten too good at it so that even as i once again try to connect with Christ-- my spirit is trying to evade whatever He needs me to see and understand in order for me to take another step.

it's like i just want to apologize to Him and go on, but He won't let it be that simple. there are people that i have hurt during my dance of evasion and He wants me to repair what i have broken. . .but i don't want to. i just want to say sorry and it all be okay . . . like i've always done. but this time it's different because i know better. . . but i am trying to convince my omnscient Father into thinking that i don't know better. . . and to grant me grace with no consequences.

i'm not sure if i have the courage right now to open my eyes to the disrepair that my heart has fallen into. the disrepair that i knowingly let it fall into. the disrepair that has perhaps hurt more than just me...hhhhhhhh.

there is this stubborn part of me that wants to continue my dance.

alone.

without anyone else. it seems simpler that way. not to need anyone. but i've been down that road and i know that dancing alone is as bad as drinking alone. there just isn't any place for it. my elusive dance around everything that matters--away from everyone that matters. it's like cancer for my soul. but my stubborn and God-forsaken flesh insists that i am okay this way--that i am better this way. i know that i am not better this way... i now know the satisfaction that lies in those strong arms . . . and i crave it.

a look inside is looming and i can't put it off any longer. my Father knows me too well. my Father loves me too much to let me dance alone. can i trust my Father to carry me through more hurt, unfairness, and exposure? can i take a deep breath and go at it again?

i think i have to. because i think i've passed the point of turning back. i can no longer survive without my Father's presence in my everyday life. there's something that runs in me so deep, this longing to make my Father proud. that longing is what pulls me back toward Him. pulls me back into His strong arms. His grace, His protection, His will.

my Father--He wants me to dance, but not alone . . . oh, and He wants to lead.

change--always change

so, so, soooo much has happened since i last blogged! i can't beleive i have survived so long without it! wow, well i'll try to fill you in . . .

eric, jaeda, and i took a vacation to tennessee for a week. which was very fun. we got to catch our breath from life and enjoy old friends and friends and favorite family:) we got to eat at our old restaurants, see our old home (and lee university) and in the meantime bury some old dreams. . .

jaeda turned four! she is so smart and beautiful! i don't know what i'd do without her. she is such a fireball--and i wouldn't have her any other way . . . really! we had a pajama party and although there were a few people that we missed seeing there, it was so fun to have my home full of the people i love all celebreting j! it was perfect. my long time friend mandy came down and brought her new little abbie. it was so fun to see her growing family and be in the company of all my loved ones at once . . .

we got a second car!!! some great friends were so kind and generous to give us a second car. i can't thank them enough for giving me my sanity back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

we got a kitty . . . actually it's jaeda's kitty but eric and i (two anti-cat people) have fallen shamelessly for her. she is a long haired calico that we have named, ella fitzgerald. see, ella fitzgerald sings jaeda's and my song, blue skies. j wanted to name her blue skies but i edited her choice a bit from song to singer:) we call the kitty, fitz. . .j still calls her blue skies . . . oh well--as mandy would say--what can you do?

eric and i are now the official leaders of our very unofficial high school program at church! wow, what a journey this is going to be... we actually have people watching us--looking up to us. how did that happen? are we really the grown ups? anyway . . . we have a long way to go and so does the program we're now leading. but hey, we can grow together:) crossings is the name of this youth gathering and right now there are about 45 kids coming. we hope to really make an impact on these young lives. pray for us!

so with all this change in my life, the seasons have decided to do the same. somebody told me the other day that summer is over. i started to argue and then took a look at the calendar and was surprised to see that they were right. until two days ago i think the weather was dragging her feet about the whole autumn thing just the same as i was. . . but the leaves are finally changing now and the wind is all the sudden brisk instead of burnt. so i guess a new season of life is here. one that seems so much more practical . . . and as always, i am looking back on the summer with longing. this summer was a dream of sunscreen and silly days. now on to the somber autumn days. i can smell fall long before i can see it. kettle corn and burning leaves . . . and change--always change.