my scribbles

Monday, January 14, 2008

unpaid tickets...


my day yesterday was a disaster. a mess of a sunday that could have been easily avoided!

ever have an unpaid speeding ticket? those pesky little things. maybe it's just eric and i in our irresponsibility that think if you forget about it they will too! well we learned yet another lesson the hard way this weekend. eric got pulled over on the way to church sunday morning and the officer "discovered" a speeding ticket that was on his record from 2003! five years old! but that made no difference to the cop who made us go the long way to take care of it. oh, you can't even imagine the whirlwind of a day we had--bailing him out! it was funny and tedious and really ridiculous actually. ridiculous that we didn't just take care of it way back when!

so in a not so round about way eric's unpaid ticket made me think about my spiritual journey...

i ask myself every day why i take the hard way in my spiritual life. looking inward at my shortcomings, examining my motives and weighing them against His. why don't i just go to church like so many others--i mean that's enough right? why do i ask myself the hard questions about how i react to people i don't like...and what in the world Jesus has to say about that. why why why? what is the point of all?

well my little rendezvous with the law yesterday reminded me why...

things in my life that i leave undone--whether they are complex buried emotions or an unsettled argument--a nagging memory or a thought that is just too much--these things always come back up--and so much worse! i think if i forget about how my white lie hurt me and those around me--He will forget too. i think that if i choose to dismiss those i hurt with my "innocent" gossip--He will too. i think if i just don't think about "it"--the looming scary ugly things i think and feel in my heart--that "it" will all disappear.

but no. that is not how He works. just like an unpaid speeding ticket--it comes back up at the worst time--He brings it back up at the most unexpected and inopportune time and with a solution so much more complex than if i just would have looked at it and dealt with it in the first place!!!

great reminder! one unnecessarily spoiled sunday. two little girls shocked faces in the back seat. 3 ridiculous hours spent handcuffed to a cold, hard, bench!

so... new year's resolution #87. deal with things as they come. everyday. unpack the day with His help. with His words of wisdom. with His love there to hold my hand along the way.
take the hard way now to avoid the long way later...

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

ME, MY, I


criticize by creating.--Michelangelo

so--creating. that is something i am good at. or at least something i am passionate about anyway. if only i could transfer this concept from words to actions. i am good at seeing problems but slothly slow about making the changes necessary in me and around me to accomplish the good that i see in my head. in my marriage. in kidzone at church. in the groups that i am currently a part of and the ones that don't yet exist. in the relationships around me and in our world.

why is it
i can see it so clearly and feel so strongly and do nothing? why is it that i won't let Him in to do the work for me? what is it stubborn soul? that you are stiving toward? although you exist inside of me-- i don't understand.

i guess down deep in my heart where things begin to get a bit gritty and grimy--where there exists nothing but my depravity--for i have not yet let Christ see this dark place, is the truth. and the truth is i want someone else to create these things for me. i want to be the receiver of these creations--not the creator. i want to be the reciever of love in my marriage--that is withering due to my stubborn selfishness. i want to be the observer of something amazing that happens for the kids in my church--not carry it creatively on my back. i want to continue to have a safe place to share--not create one for everyone else. i want to be a part of a mom's group, not the responsible leader. i want to benefit from a wounded hearts group not fight tooth and nail for the brave hearts that are reading the book and fighting to regain their lives. i want to complain about the rich--and how they should help the poor--not recognize i am one of the wealthy and step up to the responsibility that comes with it. i want to rail against the corruption in government and politics without joining hands to make a change.

in the dark depravity that is me...a dim light shines. it's the holy spirit. unveiling. sneaking in where He isn't welcome and moving things around. blowing the dust of my filthy selfishness and self centeredness. whew! as the dust flies i wonder what He thinks of all this. i wonder what He'll do. i wonder-- if it is ugly to me who knows sin--what does it look like to Him who can't stand it?


help me get out of the way, God of the angel armies!
make a way for me to become smallest and you to become largest.