my scribbles

missing parts

2011-03-15T15:15:00.000-05:00

i'm convinced i'm missing parts. not the creative ones, or the free thinking ones. i've got plenty of daydreaming parts and lots passionate and opinionated ones. i'm missing the responsible ones. and on days like today i hate it.

sometimes i act like i hate responsible ideas and notions. some of that is my free spirit wanting to roam...some of it is simply--that i can't do responsible...and it really pisses me off. so i discount it all. but if i take a deeper look...i wish i had some responsibility...but no matter how hard i concentrate or try--responsible is a piece i'm missing. it's kind of a large piece. it includes the parts that perceive time and abilities, returning phone calls and emails. remembering names and needs. it includes the parts that keep track of schedules and plans. it includes the parts that hurt other people's feelings when you are late, or forget about them all together...or never make the plans because...wellllll...planning isn't your thing.

days like today i sit and stew in self contempt. the world i live in prizes responsibility and try as i may...i just don't have any. i wanna throw my hands in the air and scream,

"no offense! to anyone! i don't mean to be irrespnisible. i'm not doing it to irritate you or be cute."

days like today i feel trapped in my inability to remember. as dramatic as it sounds, i feel a bit handicapped...and a little blue sticker with a wheel chair on it just won't do it for me. i wanna warn everyone that i meet..."no expectations please, i'll let you down. i won't return your call, i won't remember our appointment, i'll really screw things up along the way. none of it is because of you. it's because i can't remember...as stupid as that sounds!"

irresponsible: not responsible: as
a : not answerable to higher authority
b : said or done with no sense of responsibility
c : lacking a sense of responsibility
d : unable especially mentally to bear responsibility

this is me. like it or not. this is all i got. no sense of shame you pour on my head is going to change it. no matter how often i beat myself up about it...here is where i need your grace. is grace enough for such a stupid thing?

He speaks in song and scent

2011-02-11T16:44:00.002-06:00

my soul has been in a deep winter.

cold. snow. fights. storms. head in my hands, staying in--wrapped in myself. going to bed alone. slamming doors. dark. dead.

today, i felt spring's life quicken inside my icy soul. thawing. melting.

so often my heart is challenged by the obvious senses of sight and sound. i read something amazing or someone says something challenging or i see something, beautiful or ugly--and it pricks my heart and makes it beat faster...and i understand i should confess...and change directions. so often i limit the Creator to the ordinary...thinking that's what He prefers. i forget He's wild and i domesticate Him and think He'll speak to me in the morning...during the time i read my Bible...or not at all. so i don't hear Him the rest of the day--unless he yells in song and scent.

today my savior serenaded me. i was sitting at my desk, checking the normal things i check--one foot in front of the other routine, and a song without words came on pandora. it knew me. ("the winter" by balmorhea.) my heart stopped and listened. the smell of my new lilac candle filled my nostrils and my icy heart started dripping.

sometimes every once in awhile, the Creator of all my senses sings me a love song in lilac and violin...something so tender and personal--just for me. and my heart melts at the sound...His gentle touch reminds me of His presence...and i am on my face in worship.

He's felt so far away lately and nothing has been making sense without Him. in that moment, He drew near to me...little ol me. and i could feel Him as if He were sitting in the room with me and got up to wrap me up in His arms. a graceful gesture. i've been unlovely and unlovable lately. stubborn and silly. distracted and willful. stormy and weak minded. and He, God of all sights , smells and sounds alighted upon me--held me close, took my face in His hands and demanded all my attention. because He loves me and i'm His. i give Him no other reason...i can't.

He whispered in my ear all kinds of things i wrote down with my hands. in that lilac perfumed moment i felt suspended. like nothing mattered but me and Him. nothing mattered but pleasing Him.

and life quickened inside my dead heart. He stirred me. and i feel awake/alive. that must be how the flowers feel when He whispers spring into their earthy little souls.

i caught a glimpse of something beautiful in that moment. a moving picture i'd like to recreate. about my soul's winter and the signs of spring. asking the question of whether my actions create life or death...that's the short story. i hope to tell the long story soon...

this all sounds crazy i'm sure. but, when He touches you, you can't help but tell the story.

this is me and this is all i got. crazy or not.

good enough meet lexi

2011-01-26T17:13:00.000-06:00

i am a dreamer. i push and pull towards illusions i see in my head. these things are the strings my artistic hands are tied to. my artsy actions have a rhyme or reason. i am always measuring them by own set of commandments to live by.

do something different
follow your instincts
do the beautiful impractical things
don't second guess yourself
don't do things twice.
don't cut corners.
don't take the easy way.
no halfway.
no compromise.

when i am done creating...based on the looks of my physical creation and these commandments--i ask myself,

"would i be proud to show this to anyone, anywhere, at anytime? am i comfortable with someone seeing this piece of work and viewing it as a representation of who i am as an artist?"

and if not...i keep working...

HOWEVER...

my normal has been challenged. some lovely people have introduced me to

[MORE REALISTIC DREAMS].

well...i never.

they challenged a few of my commandments with ideas of streamlining creativity into something that can be reproduced without me...something that will continue to grow and build on the past instead of bury an old dream (that's been done before) and come up with a new fresh one.

i guess i thought doing things again was going halfway. i guess i thought it wasn't excellent. i guess i thought it was cheap or easy.

this WAS MY TRUTH. i've never seen life any other way...and i'm still having a hard time even after being introduced.

BUT...

if this thing is about Him and not about me...that changes everything. that means my limitations can't hold up the train. that means my urges and opinions can't run the show. my artistic emotions don't really mean a thing.

if scribble or brighton road or ANY artistic endeavor i have is going to grow...me and my ideals must get outta the way of reality.

good enough...meet lexi. lexi? good enough.

no cringing. no wincing. no getting around it. good enough is okay sometimes. everything doesn't have to revolve around me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

small step outta blah...

2010-10-17T23:49:00.005-05:00

i'm going through a lonely low spot...as i often do in the fall time. something about less sun and more blah--it just gets to me. and i drag that blah into my relationship with Him, and my husband and my kids and my friends and my family until i'm here. and here is ever so restless.

i'm sick of the blah. i hate the blah. the blah drives me mad.

today i decided--i'm gonna do a kind thing for someone else every day for the next month. perhaps that can change my story and break through my blah. today i did something ever so small and for a second my heart smiled. and He smiled. and i knew. that THAT is what i'm made for...He didn't make me for blah. my lost heart found it's way home to an old safe spot but longs for the heights and risk and wind of following Him.

here's my small step outta blah...

a f r a i d

2010-09-22T13:20:00.007-05:00

i am afraid. i am afraid of moments that i feel unwanted, unloved, ugly and betrayed. i am afraid. i am afraid of tornados and crawly things that don't belong in my house.
i am afraid. i am afraid of death and dirty towels and disease.
i am afraid. i am afraid of people with smoggy souls and small spaces and weed.
i am afriad. so very very frightened of it happening again.
i am afraid. so very very scared of bad surprises and startling violence.
i am afriad. so very fearful of long stretches of nothing. nowhere to go. nothing important to do.
i am afraid. so terrified that i don't matter and neither do you.

this fear...it strangles and controls me. it makes my every move for me. i live in this anxiety. although there is not much living done.

until He comes along. He says PEACE. BE STILL. and i am. i can't help but be. He makes all this nervous anxiety that most are on meds for be quiet. because when He's there He tells me who i am. He tells me who He is. and He tells me He controls it all.

He makes the loudest, angriest words and situations sound like a lullaby. He tells me i am beautiful...that He made this casing of skin and bones for my soul to live in...nothing else. He tells me i'm His...and He'll never turn away. He says He controls the skies and all the clouds and storms. He laughs at my paranoia of spiders and slimy things and tells me they are His too. His bigness brings them down to size. He tells me that death brings me to a life i've never known and assures me He is there and i will love it. He whispers stories to me of scary people and paints them as only children that He made and who sadly refuse to choose Him. He tells me there is nothing i can touch or catch that He cannot cure. He tells me there is nothing anyone can do to me that He cannot heal. He said He watches over me when i sleep. He tells me He is with me in an elevator, a crowded room or in an open field. He tells me not to worry about being in control...that there is not a place in my life He needs or expects it. He tells me He directs my steps just to be careful not to let go of His hand. He says He's glad i am still surprised by bad because He never intended it for my eyes. He says He holds me. He says He directs my every step...and not to fear if i'm taking small ones. He says not to worry about being significant. He is significant enough for us all.

He takes my fears and breaks them. He turns up His voice and down the others. He holds me...whispers to me...all the things i've always wished someone would tell me.

He tells me who i am by telling me who HE is...

and all the fears fade away.

bird song

2010-09-17T12:18:00.004-05:00

i am a bird.

when other animals are weeks old and beginning to learn to live--i am still in my shell. i stay in my shell 'til i'm GOOD and READY...or the always untimely time my Father says. i break free only to enter the world as the most vulnerable creature--a tiny thing, perched high, crying, mouth wide. i am eager if nothing else...eager in the most awkward way. if my father is lost (which he always seems to be) and my mother has forgotten me (which she always seems to do), i find myself adopted by the oddest and sweetest and most irresponsible of humans. i don't know why they never keep me, but they try real hard at first--bringing nothing but hope and heartbreak. once abandoned, if i'm not lunch for some other greedy animal, i find myself staring at the sky--knowing that it's where i belong, but not knowing yet that i fly. it's by my Father's grace that such a wretched little creature as i (grey and small) grow and live.

i'm not much to look at during this growth process...not like the other animals around me. baby humans are pink and plump and walk and talk before you know it. baby horses are walking hours after their births--and their mothers right there to enjoy it! all the other animals do such beautifully normal things--that don't include being pushed from a tree!!! but me--little me--i'm all alone, way up here, and if i listen to Him--He says He made me for the sky--TO FLY! but i can hardly believe it...so He typically teaches me by necessity--fly or die is what they say. but first i learn to sing. i sing His songs--the ones He gave me. His melodies help me believe somehow...

then comes the day i fall from the sky...whether i jump or stumble or get pushed from behind. oh how i flap and hope and it looks like a mess of feathers! not at all like i thought it would be...and i flap and hope and flap and hope and hope and hope and flap! despite what you think it's not the flapping but the hope that makes me fly. and fly i do! all the sudden free of all the things that once confined me--shell and nest and self contempt! suddenly all the ways i'm different from the others is okay...is GREAT actually! it's no longer so important that i have 4 legs or 2 parents or walk or run or speak! i SING and FLY, if i hope in Him--and let Him tell me who i am!

so, i may get caught in a draft sometimes and by my own strength not fly free...but if i listen to the One i fly for He always makes a way around.

my Father, He made me for the SKY--He made me to FLY! now i ask Him every day..."who do you say i am?". and every day i ask, He reassures me of the same. so this is how i know...

i am a bird.

today.

2010-08-24T14:08:00.005-05:00

today i live in a little blue house with a little green yard and a certain happy yellow glider that sits on the porch and welcomes me home every time i pull into the drive. i sleep in a cozy little attic that asks for art and cook in a tiny little kitchen that insists on music. this house is not much to others. it's not exactly in the greatest of neighborhoods. it's certainly not worth much monetarily...with it's cracks in the walls and (perfect) imperfections. BUT this house is a gift to me. a great and perfect gift from the Father. a gift that says He knows me and loves me and provides for little ol' me...

almost 2 yrs ago i learned my husband was not the savior in my story. i learned the boy that i had fallen in love with at 12 was full of flaws...just like me. my life went up in flames. he betrayed our marriage vows...and me. Oh heart. it was broken into a million little peices. and yet God showed us a way of grace...it was a rocky way. not many had taken this road before us...it was overgrown and in places seemingly impossible and yet we climbed. we climbed this way of grace to heights in our marriage we had never known. we tore down and rebuilt our 7 yr marriage. along the way encountered many obstacles...eric quit quit his job, we lost our house, sold our stuff, drained our savings, and lived with dear & gracious friends. God swooped in and changed our lives forever. challenging us to the core of who we are...emotionally, relationally, financially and most important, spiritually. 2 years later we are far from done with this terrible and wonderful process but we have a story to tell. a story where He is (once again) the hero in the story. just as it should be.

today i live in a little blue house. a house that knows me! a house He hand picked for me...from the beginning. in this little dream house of mine i live a life closer to the one i always wanted then the one i had 2 yrs ago. a life i can hardly call my own because it belongs to Him. and all i gave up in these past two years? all He pryed from my hands? all that stuff was standing in between me and this freedom. today, He tells me who i am--not my husband or my house or my job or money or people's opinion. don't get me wrong... some days i wish i was someone else or want so bad for someone or something else to tell me who i am. but when i listen to Him-- to His whispers in my ear--and i live in that God confidence...i'm free. free of everything in this small cruel world that binds me. everyday, if i listen, He tells me He made me and loves me. that i'm His colorful crazy wildflower of a child...i can't help but be fly free.

earner to heir, back to earner, then back to heir...

2010-01-17T13:25:00.003-06:00

i wrote this awhile back...when i was just being introduced to Him...and it still rings oh so true it was worth a repost:)

come as you are...
"so the invitation said come as you are--but we all know no one really means that, right? so i'm dressed to the hilt. this is an event like no other. i accepted the invitation and here i am--sitting with a feast before me. i'm talkin' linen tablecloth, expensive china, polished silver kind of feast. there is only one thing served at this table--although it's always prepared a different way--so the sweet taste is always savored and could never be considered mundane.

Grace is served at this table.

my Father sits at the head of the table and laughs at my dressy attire but none the less invites me to "eat up". i know He has worked hard to provide this outlandish meal. i know He has sacrificed so much, just so i can sit here--at His table. my soul growls in need and i long to obey it's murmurings and yet...i decide to ignore my hunger pains and take only a few morsels of the faith sustaining substance onto my plate.

i want to be polite. i don't want to need it. i want somehow to be above it. i don't want to take too much. don't want to over-indulge. i am a bit embarrassed by my need. after all i just want to be a polite little christian. i don't want to dig in and behave like the grace starved slob that i really am--that i used to be anyway. i mean what would my Father think? what would those sitting at this table around me think?

as i push the grace around on my plate i find myself embarrassed to be partaking of the meal at all. i seem to think there is some holiness in not having to take much grace here--although He is always trying to tell me otherwise. hey, besides--i'm not quite sure which fork to use anyway. as i awkwardly spoon the meager contents of my plate into my mouth-- my soul hungers for so much more. this all brings back flashbacks of the first time i ate in front of my jr. high boyfriend. so embarrassing, so uncomfortable. yet here i am--with a feast of the only thing that will feed my soul set before me. and yet... and yet... i can't bring myself to enjoy it. there is shame in my need. there is guilt in my soul's satisfaction. i so don't want to take any more...and yet--i crave it. my life needs it to go on. and i look up into my Father's questioning face and attempt to lie to the all-knowing one saying,

"no thanks, i couldn't possibly take any more..."

my lie leaves my insides begging to remember how to humble myself and consume all i need. the sweet aroma of forgivness is too much for me to handle. i can almost taste the mercy to be had at the all-you-can-eat buffet that i originally considered this feast upon first invitation. back in the beginning. back when i attended this party in rags. back when i accepted His gift out of despreate need. as i recollect, in the beginning it wasn't half as difficult to accept His grace--maybe because i was facing the reality of starvation.

why is it any different now?
do i think i've earned this now?
that as a seasoned Christ follower i should be immune to it all?
above it all?
yes, yes and yes. that is exactly it.

come as you are? ha! i can do better than that...

haven't written here in forever...

2009-11-30T16:09:00.003-06:00

it's been awhile. life, babies, photography, grace, kidzone, moving and business have sucked up so much of my time. but most lately God has been stirring my soul in the area of love, love, love. turns out...i suck at it. like something terrible!!!

the biggest and baddest of my unloving discoveries has been centered around this one phrase.

"love believes the best"...

i never believe the best...of anyone. not the ones i love or especially the ones i hate! i weld my unbelief like a sword...i cut down relationships with my assumptions. assumptions i've come to be proud of. i've convinced myself i can read motives. HA. fo real tho. i enter a room and read the faces talk to those that make me feel safe and stay far from those that make me wonder...i enter a friendship and see one fault and define them by that EVERYTIME. instead of stamping love across it...i stamp it in my memory. and file it away as a way i could be hurt in the future. the worst is that i do it to my love...my husband. i never give him the benifit of the doubt...i doubt...OH how i doubt everything he does. it would suck to live with someone like that. and yet...that is what i do to those i love.

so i find myself back in the place where it's all up to Him. i can't change this. it IS me. it is woven into the fibers of who i am and how much i've been hurt. i could hold onto this...i have for so long. or i could ask Him to take it...and make me look more like Him and less like the monster i see in the mirror.

Forget about self-confidence; it's useless. Cultivate God-confidence. 1 corinthians 10:11

if it's all about love then i gotta long way to go...one foot in front of the other...

goliath dreams

2009-04-15T15:18:00.002-05:00

today's bible reading plan has goliath dreams echoing in my head.

the story of david and goliath. this story has been told told and over told and yet it was new to me this afternoon. sometimes these Bible stories can loose their awe inspiring nature when they've been adopted by our culture as a tall tale or myth. today i read it and absorbed the unbelievability of it all. david had some kinda faith!!! the kinda faith that could change the world. the kind of faith that God loves. the kind of faith that honors Him for who He is. in my daily life i trust God with about as much as i trust my one year old. you know...i give Him the little things. i disrespect Him by not asking Him to come through--to behead my goliaths. He was the giant killer. not david. but david asked and walked toward a ten foot tall giant in faith. david brought his gifts, and let God use them. He could have asked and God could have just killed Him on the spot--but david offered himself to be used by God--with his little sling and 5 stones. He was prepared and yet soooooo unbelievably unequipped. yet he brought what He had and trusted, without a doubt that God would do the rest. i don't know about you but where i come from this kinda faith is not only non existant but is laughed at--even by those that "know" God. David calls Him God-Alive...is He that in my life?...do i want Him to be?....hmmmmm.

and that unbelievable story lead straight into another. the new testement spoke of jesus' birth and the dreams that lead the way. dream after dream it was that God worked through. a dream that took the wise men another way home, a dream that lead joseph away from bethleham in the dark, a dream that brought them out of egypt and a dream that brought them to nazereth. dream after dream...does that mean He works in my dreams? dreams while i sleep and dreams while i'm awake? dreams like making a difference, dreams like getting away. dreams like not raising my kids in man made safety? dreams like teaching them to trust in Him? dreams like really putting the most important things first? dreams like the kind that everyone laughs at. dreams like the kind that i barely consider? my dreams? is He saying that works in those? dreaming is something i do. every night and every day. is He saying He works that way. does He want my dreams?

the spirit keeps whispering "goliath dreams" in my ear. goliath dreams, goliath dreams, goliath dreams--the dreams that would take a david faith to make reality. i can't get it out of my head. so i'm attempting to turn up the volume of Him and turn down the volume of the normal voices in my head--laughing at david faith, laughing at dreams. i'm trying to believe. believe in a God that doesn't make sense. believe in a God that HAS SHOWN me the miracle of His counter intuitive ways. He says give it all to me and you'll get it all back--that and then some...i see proof of that all over my life and yet still don't know that i believe in golaith dreams...

expensive grace?

2009-04-01T14:54:00.003-05:00

i've been thinking about grace lately. how much it costs SOMEONE. i got there by thinking about how much it cost me....and that took me quickly to how much it must cost God to give His grace to me...and then it took me to easter. and how much it cost Him on that cross. my sin cost Him His Son. my sin cost Him hurt and pain that makes my cost look minuscule. pennies to his billions. embarrassing all the sudden--that i'm counting my cost...the hurt that it takes to stay, when His cost is infinitely more than mine.

this song is all about my hurt. and it's alot. but His is more...when i think about my hurt...i think about His...i hope i never forget this lesson...

Between The Lines by sara barreilles

Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way
Cause i cant continue pretending to choose
The opposite sides on which we fall
The loving you laters if at all
No right minds could wrong be this many times

My memory is cruel
Im queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails
Until now, he told me her name
It sounded familiar in a way
I could have sworn i'd heard him say it ten thousand times
If only i had been listening

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always between the lines
Between the lines

I thought i thought i was ready to bleed
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all
Too late two choices to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He'd already left with the other
So i've learned to listen through silence

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me always be
You and me always be

I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on
Wait for me i'm almost ready
When he meant let go

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always be
You and me
Always between the lines

help

2009-02-25T14:29:00.003-06:00

i am a mess. still--six months later.

i feel the expectation of having to have things together...and while things are looking more and more hopeful i am still a mess. i've gotten in the habit lately of not seeing a way out of a situation and asking for God's help. simple right? the God thing often is. simple yet hard to do. hard to stop--in my emotion and in my rights and in my mess and cry for help. cry for a way out. cry for guidance or for Him to walk with me down the narrow path of dying to myself.

so far i'm not sure this is worth it. just being honest. i'm not sure staying was altogether the thing for me to do. soooo much hurt. sooo much WORK! and there are glimpses of hope...of joy even. but the hurt and hard work are everyday companions. the joy and hope are here and there and never stay longer than a moment.

right now i'm wrestling with the idea that marriage is altogether different than i thought it was. i thought there was a safety in marriage. only to find out there is no such thing. i thought idealistic and impossible things of marriage--ideas that i don't wanna part with...and don't know how to.

i'm seeing way too much of myself in this marriage. way too much crap. i thought i was lovable--in some enchanting and beautiful way. deep down i thought that. for that to be refuted. wow. it rocks my world.

moments like that is when i must call for His help. and He comes. and He helps. but too often i don't ask for help and i try to do it on my own and i can't...

here's a song that found me today...always a song...

FAithful
by brooke fraser

There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
i wave my arms' round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what i long for

When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear everyword I pray
And i want you more than i want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful

All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
i still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So i whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tounge,
knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me

Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want

wanna get away?

2009-01-14T16:30:00.003-06:00

i do. i wanna get away--that is. just anywhere but here seems like a good idea right now. eric and i are talking about drastic changes to life as we know it. not just like cutting the cable but moving, selling stuff, cutting back and making room for things we choose instead of things we chose when we were still unsure of what we wanted. so in the midst of all this dreaming and scheming sometimes my feet come off the ground and silly things seem possible. but wait--maybe they are.

this song sings of my silly delusions...

sell all my things--rosie thomas

In a little while I'll feel better
Gonna travel around the world
Gonna see it all

Gonna go to Paris, maybe Rome
But I'll feel better miles away from home,
Gotta figure some things out

So sell all my things, I'm not coming home
There's nothing there to keep me there
Just heartache and panic and worries and things that'll bring me down
My head feels much clearer being here

In a little while I'll feel better
Gonna spill my heart to every stranger in every town
I'll visit castles in Ireland, have some fella play the violin and play a song for me

So sell all my things, I'm not coming home
There's nothing there to keep me there
Just heartache and panic and worries and things that'll bring me down
My head feels much clearer being here

never been hurt

2008-12-15T13:27:00.002-06:00

this is my goal...my dream. what i hope for--why i keep walking and pushing and asking and crying and maybe one day--one day God will be big enough for me to do this to everyone i know. everyone that has been hurt before...

never been hurt--sara melson

One day i didn’t have a care
Except my picture in the mirror and the color of my hair
I sang along to records about tomorrow
Now my hands are worn, my clothes are torn
A few of my dreams have been met with scorn
And i don’t have too much time left to borrow

But still i’m gonna love you like i’ve never been hurt before
Love you like i’ve never been hurt before
Love you like i’ve never been hurt,
Wanna start all over and know what it’s worth
Love you like i’ve never been hurt before

Your stubborn independence
Reminds me of myself
It doesn’t make a lot of sense
It isn’t very good for health
I know you want to be alone
But i sure like talking on the phone
And i’ve finally left my carry-on bag behind me

Yeah i’m going to love you like i’ve never been hurt before
Love you like i’ve never been hurt before
Love you like i’ve never been hurt
We can start all over and know what it’s worth
I’m gonna love you like i’ve never been hurt before

holy?

2008-12-08T14:08:00.002-06:00

i've heard it said that song writers are our modern day poets and so often God uses their words to grip my heart. so today another song that caught me off guard and slammed into my life. i love this band and their lyrics and their music. standing in the shadow of His mercy and huge-ness i feel smaller than ever. this song says that for me at a time when my words are too tiny to squeak out.

what do i know of holy? addison road

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were might to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

(CHORUS 2)
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life it's name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

my sunrise

2008-12-04T16:40:00.003-06:00

i first heard of the affair late at night...couldn't sleep and i woke and discovered something he couldn't deny. i didn't sleep all night. all night. we stayed up talking. and crying. and mourning. and then i went for a drive. i decided to drive east--towards the sunrise. at that point i thought it was over--our 14 year relationship...and i wanted to see the sunrise as a sign of hope. the sun didn't rise that morning. i drove and drove through the rain and the sun never came up...it was too stormy. over the last few months--in trying to peice our relationship back together...sunrises have obviously been very symbolic to me. i've stumbled across a few verses along the way...

Malachi--But for you, sunrise! The sun of righteousness will dawn on those who honor my name, healing radiating from its wings. You will be bursting with energy, like colts frisky and frolicking.

psalms--Hallelujah! Blessed man, blessed woman, who fear God, Who cherish and relish his commandments, Their children robust on the earth, And the homes of the upright—how blessed! Their houses brim with wealth And a generosity that never runs dry. Sunrise breaks through the darkness for good people— God's grace and mercy and justice!

isaiah--"Get out of bed, Jerusalem! Wake up. Put your face in the sunlight. God's bright glory has risen for you. The whole earth is wrapped in darkness, all people sunk in deep darkness, But God rises on you, his sunrise glory breaks over you.

today i saw my sunrise. in the midst of looking at my own need of grace and forgiveness His hope grew so big in me that i craved forgiveness--both His and giving some of my own...to eric and to everyone else that has ever wronged me and i've held onto. wow. and then i stumbled over this verse. new to me...

luke says--"Through the heartfelt mercies of our God, God's Sunrise will break in upon us, Shining on those in the darkness, those sitting in the shadow of death, Then showing us the way, one foot at a time, down the path of peace"

something about that one foot in front of the other that seems hopeful and possible and peace--whew! that sounds so worth it!!! today i was supposed to get sooooo much done. but instead i was inturrupted with higher things...and for once i put aside the task and listened to the spirit. don't know how my stuff's gonna get done but i am ever so grateful for his timely provision of a sunrise to my soul that's been far too familiar with midnight. oh! and then, just a few minutes ago a song...this song came on pandora...never heard it before and it made me sob. how dare i doubt Him!!!

sunrise by nichole nordeman

If I had the chance
To go back again
Take a different road, bear a lighter load
Tell an easy story

I would walk away
With my yesterdays
And I would not trade what is broken for beauty only

Every valley
Every bitter chill
Made me ready to climb back up the hill
And find that . . .

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?

You're my horizon
You're the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise

There's a moment when
Faith caves in
There's a time when every soul is certain God is gone

But every shadow is evidence of sun
And every tomorrow holds out hope for us
For every one of us

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?

You're my horizon
You're the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise

You alone will shine
You alone can resurrect this heart of mine

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?

You're my horizon
You're the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise

You are sunrise

so i forgave eric today. and i hope to forgive him every day for the rest of my life. as well as everyone else that has hurt me along the way--ohhhh i've so held onto it all. i'm excited to see how this changes me. i already feel so supernaturally free--i'm hoping to hold onto that feeling!!!!

so i don't know what this means. i am soooo outta control in this--and i think that's where i'm supposed to be:) but for the first time in my life forgivness enters the scene--i don't really know what happens next...stay tuned...

summer breeze

2008-11-14T15:07:00.001-06:00

this song could be called lexi's self protection--it is so dead on for what goes on in my heart...but the thing is. i miss that summer breeze and i think i want to shed this skin...for the first time in a long time.

summer breeze by kris delmhorst

Once you've been bitten
You get a little bit shy
Start looking round for anyplace that you can hide
Once you've been naked
You get a thick thick skin
Build it up layer by layer and you climb on in

And then you're wrapped up oh so tightly
That I don't think you feel a thing
No sting of snowflakes, no kiss of angel's wings
And maybe you don't need that skin anymore
Maybe if you took it off you would not have to breathe
Maybe air would just flow in and out of you as it pleased

Look at all the heaviness
And the weight in this world
Put an old lady backbone in a little baby girl
Left no room for no lover
Left no time for no friend
Just a little voice saying never never never again

But if there's no such thing as safety
And if there ain't no guarantee
Maybe the coast is just as clear as it is ever gonna be
And maybe you don't need that skin anymore
Maybe if you took it off you would not even have to breathe
Maybe air would just flow in and out of you as it pleased

Like a summer breeze
Don't you want to feel the breeze
Don't you want to feel it now
Sweet summer breeze

this flailing feeling...

2008-11-11T13:36:00.002-06:00

i can't speak for myself anymore. it's like all my words gang up against me and i can't describe what goes on in my heart. maybe because i don't know what's going on in there...it is oh so frustrating! but music--as always is the voice i don't have. i found this song.

curious by holly brooke

Someone tell me what to do
I feel like i must be a fool
For ending up right back at the start
The things that we don't comprehend
Are laughing at my mind again
I think that i think too hard
And i don't give enough credit to my heart

I'm so
Damn curious to know
And there are too
Many unanswered questions
That we hold onto

I've put my theories to the test
You know i've tried to do my best
But maybe we weren't meant to strike gold
Sometimes things that you ignore
Are all the things i'm looking for
Will i learn to let go
Give into love and listen to my soul

I'm so
Damn curious to know
And there are too
Many unanswered questions
That we hold onto

i feel like i'm in a place where i just can't move. the questions keep coming. the curiousity just kills me! too many things unanswered. too many things i'll never get--that break my heart. and my heart is in serious condition...my heart is just as stubborn as ever. can't move toward God, can't move away. can't move toward eric, can't move away...

and i ask eric to tell me who i am--and he doesn't and then i spin out of control--like today. i can hardly keep my hands off the phone to call him for the 5th time to ask him if he loves me. and he has all the right answers but it's not enough.

this hurts. i feel kind of flailing. like a fish out of water.

and i don't know why i'm writing this. probably just to get it out. but i would give almost anything to releive this flailing feeling...almost.

simplicity meets complexity

2008-10-30T11:52:00.004-05:00

so, big step forward.

yup. i know finally, right?!?

last night my husband was being very patient with me--answering questions and talking about the stuff going on inside of me and i started rememebering the details of the night i found out about the affair. thus far, i've unconciously only remembered the more powerful details. my asking ball busting questions and all my hot divorcee talk. anyway. i remembered the part, the small part, right after he told me the truth and my life fell apart and for the first time i thought, in the core of me, that i couldn't do life without him. but in my head, staying didn't make sense--because i couldn't. but in that moment leaving didn't make sense either. and for the first time grace fit perfectly! grace was the solution. and what a discovery it was. it wasn't so much me extending it--as we've talked so much about. it was more about me discovering that it was an option, the perfect option.

but grace was only the option when my life didn't make sense anymore. sad--but true. it wasn't grace, period. it was grace because...because i needed it. i've recieved grace but never given it. and in that moment God introduced grace to both eric and i. He needed to learn about grace--how to recive it. and i needed to learn about grace--as in how to give it. so it was a mutual discovery. and that feels...better. better than where i've been in the last few weeks.

while this hurts more than i'm made to bear--the truth in the discovery of grace in that night propels me forward into hope. hope that His supernatural creation...GRACE. JESUS. could change everything. because i am not capable. so not capable. but He is and the great question is , will i let Him????

ahhh it's so simple but how how how to make it real is the trickiest thing ever. how to invite all this simplicity into my life when my heart is so bent toward complexity????

hope that makes any sense at all--and then again. why should it matter if it makes sense to me?

lightening

2008-10-28T14:15:00.003-05:00

most of the time the hurt is a cloud. hovering over me and my little world. most of the time it's foggy...it's confusing. sometimes it's puffy clouds--not hard to look at...sometimes the fog is thick and smothering...and way too easy to get lost in and sometimes...sometimes there is a lightening bolt. a lightening bolt of pain straight to my heart. i hear a song, or think of a moment when i was ignorantly secure in my world while the other half of me was being whisked away by something much more exciting. i think of a time when i was lovingly trying to move toward him and all he did was pull back into the safety he created with one that wasn't me. i think of a time when i know i was ugly and demanding and frustrated. and he thought. " this is why i'm doing it." those are the lightening bolts. and although i hear the distant thunder the lightening always catches me off guard on a tuesday afternoon.

this process is definitely two steps forward and 5 steps back. this process is enough to tire the strongest of hearts. this process is something else. something totally other than what i ever expected. people say it all the time, it's definitely harder to stay after being betrayed. people say it in the tritest of ways but underneath the overuse, it's brilliantly true. in a tough moment all i wanna say is uncle. UNCLE okay?!? i give up! it's not worth it! hhhhhhh.

when the lightening hits it's the best time to get some clarity. if you can stand the pain. all of the sudden everything around you that's usually dark or cloudy is suddenly illuminated and if you can--you can see way more--if you dare to look. the first few lightening bolts hit and i ducked and covered myself in protection. now i think i'm peeking--a little. and what i see isn't pretty. what i see is powerless. what i see is so much that needs to be looked and ... given to God and well quite frankly i'm waiting around for a sunny day to do that. and there is no sun in the forecast. for a long long time...

will i get over it?

2008-10-24T13:05:00.004-05:00

over and over i replay the details. trying to get more power. a leg up. trying to feel bigger--in the know. the details punch me in the stomach and take my breath....what a betrayal. so i ask more questions--which he fumbles to answer. God has transformed him in such a short time--his heart is soft and welcoming but i can't enter into it--knowing that he is capable of much damage. so i ask until there is nothing left to wonder and then i am left with my own thoughts.

why? where? what was it like? what was i doing when...so i ask another meaningless question and another and another... lights on or off? how many times? did you hold hands? as if in the answer to some random question i would find peace--but instead i find more chaos. more and more chaos. more and more hurt...more and more confusion. and i wander if he's telling the truth. and i try to poke holes in his answers. and i try to make a case for closing my heart. so i ask more questions and get more restless answers. he's trying so hard. and i am unmoved. i don't trust it. the change. who knows if it's real? certainly not me. i was sleeping next to him most nights, we were sharing meals and tickling kids--and all the while i had no idea. no idea what he was capable of. no idea what my life was really about. i feel like such a fool. i feel like i should have known. i feel like i never want to do that again. and then there is God.

God.

whew. i hear his voice. "oh how He loves us". he's putting this pulse of forgiveness in my head. bringing random things right in front of my face saying, "choose me". His way is unsafe and all out. His way is...love. and trust and forgiveness and i don't know how to live that and and so scared of that way. too scared to move.

will i ever get over this? will it ever be gone? or will it be a black mark on my life for the rest of my life? can i get over it? should i have stayed in the first place? can HE be enough? can i open myself up again? can i jump off the cliff of forgiveness into the pool of grace? i'm standing on the ledge i just need a strong wind or a great big push...

screaming a whisper

2008-10-22T10:28:00.003-05:00

another day on the path of healing. if i could just look at the path in front of me instead of behind. if i could just ....

i can't remember the last time in my life hurt was so daily present. i don't know how to live like this. i feel like i'm on mute. like everything is going on around me and i am hesitant, i am quiet, i am awkwardly going about my life minus something crucial. nothing makes sense without whatever it is i'm missing but i can't get it back. and i feel far from my Father. and i feel like my heart is hard--to hard to beg Him back, but wanting Him to come and find me. and i feel like i'm self protecting all over again. and i feel like it's all too much. because it is. too much for me. i feel a bit hopeless. i feel like shuting down and hiding in.

it's like a dream. when you want out of a bad situation and your scream comes out a whisper. and you try your voice again and no one hears you. i'm screaming a whisper. once again. that powerless feeling. agh.

so i'm caught in this place of ambivilence. nothing looking good in either direction. toward God looks like work. away from God looks hopeless. so i stay here and wait for Him to find me.

another song to whisper for me...

what i wouldn't give by holly brook
Feeling like I can't forgive,
but I want to
it's like I don't know how to live,
I’m afraid to
I used to think take them as they come,
without hesitations,
no now it's like my head is filled with lies, and persuasions
as the sun begins to fall I hear her calling out to me she's sayin' hurry it's one more day gone

what I wouldn't give
just to forget
so I can remember how to live again
I wanna live again

I am feeling dissonant, and distracted
the toxic chemicals are spilling in my head
and they're bleeding deadly reactions
and as the moon begins to rise he shows me all the colors that I’m hiding
I’m hiding myself

what I wouldn't give just to forget
what I wouldn't give to get some rest
so I can remember how to live again
I wanna live again

am I desperately losing this fight
when I should really be choosing my flight
take me now

what I wouldn't give just to forget
what I wouldn't give to get some rest
so I can remember how to live again
I wanna live again
what I wouldn't give just to forget
what I wouldn't give to get some rest
what I wouldn't give just to forget
so I can remember how to live

another day in the life

2008-09-23T10:50:00.004-05:00

so confused about marriage.  about love.  what is it?  how does it work??? 
i have done it all wrong...that's all i know.  but i don't know how to do it all
right!  whew.  all new rules and boundaries and expectations and separation. 
i don't get it and it feels dangerous and i feel unsafe and yet free?  hmmm. 
it doesn't make any sense.  loving is a bit like flying.  DON"T LOOK DOWN! 
every time i start thinking, "what the hell am i doing?  giving up my secrets? 
tearing down my walls in order to reach out to this other person?"  that's me
looking down, and in that moment it is all too much.  i don't know.  don't know
what love is or how to do it "right".  and if right means feeling like i'm falling
outta the sky all the time--eek!  that sucks!   so hear we go.  another day in the
life of someone trying to give His love away.  tentitively...

yet another song...speaking for me.

guess it may by rosie thomas

I’m still learning what love is
Everyday I wake up in your arms
I’m still trying to figure out what works
How to set off all your alarms

I’m still learning what love is
When I’m walking close to you
The best way to hold your hand in mine
The best way to comfort you

Guess it may
Guess it may
Guess it may
Guess it may
It may always be this way

I’m still learning what love is
Every time you look at me that way
I’m still trying to figure out just how
You can still look at me the same

Guess it may
Guess it may
Guess it may
Guess it may
It may always be this way

Even though I may not get it right
All the time I will always try
And I will always stand right by your side

I’m still learning what love is
Everyday I wake up in your arms
I’m still trying to figure out what works

Guess it may
Guess it may
Guess it may
Guess it may
Guess it may
Guess it may
It may always be this way

have you seen me lately?

2008-09-21T15:00:00.003-05:00

so showing grace in this situation...it was no less a miracle than me walking on water. if that is true then it is also true that this miracle can only happen when my eyes are on Him...just like peter. the moment i take my eyes off Him i start to sink...and spin...and question...and demand...and then it's over. whew! but that is hard to do. i want to medicate this ache. i want to grow bigger than this small me. i want to say i don't deserve this and i can't do this and to hell with this--it was a crazy idea anyway! and in moments i do. but strangely it doesn't help. it just hurts more. so.

keeping my eyes on Him. trusting Him to help me walk on water...or show grace and forgiveness in the face of the ultimate betrayal.

it's like i don't know who i am...it feels like my heart used to be a carefully gated area. a perfectly defined and safe place. now...now i am a blob. an ever changing, uncontrollable, undefined, mystery of a soul. and it feels like a mess because my reactions are not my own. i second guess, no! quadruple guess everything i do. it's so frustrating! and scary and undefined and i am living with a different me than i am used to. a softer smaller one. and i don't know who i am...it's scary. asking Him to tell me who i should be. i know who i want me to be! big and strong and no nonesense...capable and decisive...in control...but i'm not that anymore...and don't know if i ever will be again....

hhhhhhhh.

as always, my heart speaks through music. and this is what song my soul sings...

Have you seen me lately by keri noble --- BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL!!!!

Have you seen me lately?
Can you tell me what you see in me?
Have you seen me lately?
All i see is what i used to be...

It's eleven-thirty i don't have the time
To come before you now.
Yeah-i know it's been awhile
But i'm just to tired now.
Please don't be too angry didn't you hear--
Me mention you last week?
I'm just worn out.
Why can't you let me sleep?
(have you seen me lately)

have you seen me lately?
can you tell me what you see?
have you seen me lately?
all i see is what i used to be...

Found myself in conversation--
Trying to convince me what you're about.
I don't know why but i couldn't get it out.
Met an old friend yesterday who
Told me how my love inspired her to
Love like i love you.
(have you seen me lately)

What has happened to my fire?
The way you were my every desire?
My God, i never meant to be this!
Father hold me i can't see myself!!!

have you seen me lately?
can you tell me what you see in me?
have you seen me lately?
all i see is what i used to see...
what i used to be...

Turn the phone off, throw the TV out!
It's time to get it right and
i will stare at myself Even if it takes all night.
What could i have thought i could give you?
In my grip?
you're a God of power
if I take my eyes off you
i will surely slip!

have you seen me lately?
can you tell me what you see in me?
have you seen me lately?
all i see is what i used to be...

make me over

2008-09-10T13:41:00.003-05:00

my God is making me over. and it hurts--oh it hurts. but it heals. it's scraping off the scab to take out the infection. only His skilled hands can do the hurting and healing all at the same time. and i find myself crying out to him. leaning on Him. holding onto Him. until i feel peace and love and freedom. He is the only Good. He is the only Strength. He is the only Trustable. the only Loving. and knowing that to be true. i give it all. all the peices of me i love and long to hold onto. the broken little scraps of strength i've peiced together over the years. all the little shards of independence and sense of self i've accumulated in this life. i meekly offer. and say, "change me--make me yours." i am oh so small--this version of me. smaller than is comfortable--so once again i must lean on Him for every step...every moment. and He loves it that way. it's the most uncomforable wonderful place i've ever been.

He is my Creator.

imagine.

letting Him tell you who you are...and who you aren't.

the above picture is of nagisaki. the city in japan we dropped the atom bomb on during world war 2. there was damage that was nessesary for the world's good in that situation. how tragic. what a desision to have to make. so glad it wasn't mine. i feel like everyday i wake up with the damage done to me that was nessesary for my greater good. i am free today. freer than i've ever been. wow. too bad this was the only way to get me here. too bad there is so much fallout to deal with. but He is big enough...

Make Me Over by lifehouse Wrap my arms Around your name Feel your breath Against my pain As i breathe out the past is gone Empty smile Naked heart Who I Was Falls apart When you're here inside of me Feel till you're numb Depth perception becoming The new deaf & dumb I'm losing myself just to find a place in your mind In your mind Changing myself just to stand along in your eyes In your eyes... pull me in Take me out Make me over Read the wave Ride your fears In this ocean of years We've been here, swimming on Take me deep Till I find Every corner of your mind We've been here, swimming on Touch till you taste All the time we are wasting Alone, waiting here I'm losing myself just to find a place in your mind In your mind Changing myself just to stand Alone in your eyes Your eyes... Pull me in Take me out Make me over and shout me out loud Shout me out loud

He is enough!

2008-09-08T09:32:00.003-05:00

God is big enough. God is strong enough. God is graceful enough, forgiving enough--for anything we face.

but somewhere in our little tiny grasshopper hearts we think we are big enough. we think others are strong enough. we don't need His grace or His forgiveness. we are doing "fine". fine is such a lackluster word to use to describe this life. do i really want to be fine? or do i want to be amazing! do i want to be as high as the eagles in flight and as beautiful as the sunset on the ocean? He holds the keys to a life that looks like that. but it also looks like a long hard trek, a narrow road to get there, but when you are there--He holds you. and that is enough.

He is big enough. He is strong enough--graceful enough, forgiving enough. and that--all the sudden, is enough. enough to make today look like the best day ever! enough to make tomorrow a breeze. enough to make life look like a symphony of amazing/horrible/shocking events all keeping perfect time, in order to make a beautiful noise to lift to Him.

when He is all that matters everything else looks dim. i know that pain causes this kind of eternal vision just for a moment in time. i am enjoying my moment in the Father's arms and don't wanna go anywhere soon. i know i probably will. but i don't wanna hear about it. don't warn me about it or really even talk about it. i'm on a honeymoon of sorts:) who tells a newlywed--"you just wait, troubles are coming your way..."? deep in my heart--i know. but just let me have this. this blissful moment with my Father.

He is carrying me--and right now i don't care where He takes me--and it feels so FREE.

first september

2008-09-03T06:33:00.002-05:00

I've been gone for awhile. I'm back today, on this dawn-less morning. I've been driving toward the daylight for the past hour and it's too stormy, the sun is just not coming up. i know He holds me today. He's holding me up while my heart is ---WOW! so fucking broken. but He is my Father, my Abba, my Daddy. I've never really had one of those. but i hear they know how to make it all okay again. that's what I'm waiting for...whatever it looks like. seriously. deep breath...

meanwhile in my sorrow, i hunted down a poem i wrote in the 10th grade that seems oh so fitting to today. behold my youthful wisdom!!!

First September

Wind whistles a solemn melody,
a lullaby to an aching heart.
sun smiles down apologetically,
forcing stormy clouds apart.

Here I sit in memories,
as faded golden autumn leaves,
fall gently to the ground,
scarcely making a sound,
yet thundering in my head,
as seasons change with dread.

September sees me hurting,
still he sides with the sun.
But both the wind and august know,
my grieving can't be done.

September senses his significance,
he knows i come bereft.
i just wish he'd allow me cry
as August and I wept.

September knows no feeling,
as he harshly strips the trees.
try as he might I won't allow
him to take away my leaves.

September staunchly offers numbness,
to replace tenderness for my soul.
It seems September's confining grasp,
may never let me go.

Though leaves now rustle all around me,
with winds' song whispering in my ear;
i might get through this first September,
to contend with the rest of the year.

i don't know about the rest of the year. but here is to today. His grace is new every morning...

my savior

2008-04-26T15:50:00.003-05:00

how dare i forget who the Savior in the story is.

but sometimes i do...and i think it's me. or you.

or my husband. or my father. or my friend.

how dare i get that confused...

more than meets the eye...

2008-04-04T13:05:00.005-05:00

i read these words today and the Bible once again came alive like no other book can...

2 corinthians 4:16-18

So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever.

there is something about the perspective offered here that speaks straight to my soul. there is a picture painted here for me. a picture of me reading these words in this book and everything temporal around me "melting away". until i am no longer sitting at a table, with a pen and journal and the bible-- within the walls of my kitchen, in my little house, inside my city, within the borders of my great country. this perspective melts everything down until my picture includes only me, a great great God, the Bible, all the other people on this earth, and grass and sky...grass and sky...grass and sky. so much of it that my eye can follow the line where these two meet all the way around me in one great big glorious circle! i can see myself spinning around and around and never seeing anything but grass and sky. oh, the freedom that must live there--in that place of perspective! nothing there but me and other human beings, and how i've loved them and then this big big God that loves us all. nothing else matters. nothing else touches me.

this is how He wants me to live. this is how i long to live. but how in the world can i live with this perspective? it all sounds kind of artsy or sci-fi. the things that we can see aren't going to matter but there's so much we don't see that will mean everything. it's crystal clear to me right now and i just wonder how to put hands and feet on it and carry it into my life. into my family. into my city. into my great country. all the while being immune to the resistance i am sure to face when things that are usually given weight in this world--float away from me.

if i live in this place of grass and sky and God and others and me and love--who will i become? i won't look like many around me. i won't have the same things, the same kind of house or clothes. i won't watch the same shows or get the same jokes. this kind of freedom allures me, intrigues me, seduces me...and yet i am scared of the looks i will get, the eyebrows that will raise in my direction.

i am too scared of those things i can see that are supposed to mean nothing. too scared of those to go after those things i can't see that are supposed to mean everything...

metaphor?

2008-04-01T22:38:00.004-05:00

this boy baby of mine is awe inspiring. i love this kid. we get to hang out while jae is at kindergarten. we play while we should clean. we sing when we should return phone calls. and we nap while we should be laundering all the things we get dirty in one day:) but it's awesome. and i wouldn't trade it for a thing!

yesterday i was feeding him spaghetti and bananas for lunch and while i was feeding him he was practicing his raspberries, spitting things out and just generally being a baby boy. so then we were done and i was cleaning things up and trying to figure out if his mess required a bath or if i could get away with just using a roll or two of papertowels:) when he reached up for me from his high chair--with his grubby little hands and an oh so messy smile.

are you kidding me? i couldn't help myself. i swung him up into a sqeeze and said, "i don't even care if you are a mess. i just wanna hold jah!"

as i said those words that Spirit whispered,

"that's how I feel about you".

wow.

i think there might be a metaphor here.

unpaid tickets...

2008-01-14T14:03:00.000-06:00

my day yesterday was a disaster. a mess of a sunday that could have been easily avoided!

ever have an unpaid speeding ticket? those pesky little things. maybe it's just eric and i in our irresponsibility that think if you forget about it they will too! well we learned yet another lesson the hard way this weekend. eric got pulled over on the way to church sunday morning and the officer "discovered" a speeding ticket that was on his record from 2003! five years old! but that made no difference to the cop who made us go the long way to take care of it. oh, you can't even imagine the whirlwind of a day we had--bailing him out! it was funny and tedious and really ridiculous actually. ridiculous that we didn't just take care of it way back when!

so in a not so round about way eric's unpaid ticket made me think about my spiritual journey...

i ask myself every day why i take the hard way in my spiritual life. looking inward at my shortcomings, examining my motives and weighing them against His. why don't i just go to church like so many others--i mean that's enough right? why do i ask myself the hard questions about how i react to people i don't like...and what in the world Jesus has to say about that. why why why? what is the point of all?

well my little rendezvous with the law yesterday reminded me why...

things in my life that i leave undone--whether they are complex buried emotions or an unsettled argument--a nagging memory or a thought that is just too much--these things always come back up--and so much worse! i think if i forget about how my white lie hurt me and those around me--He will forget too. i think that if i choose to dismiss those i hurt with my "innocent" gossip--He will too. i think if i just don't think about "it"--the looming scary ugly things i think and feel in my heart--that "it" will all disappear.

but no. that is not how He works. just like an unpaid speeding ticket--it comes back up at the worst time--He brings it back up at the most unexpected and inopportune time and with a solution so much more complex than if i just would have looked at it and dealt with it in the first place!!!

great reminder! one unnecessarily spoiled sunday. two little girls shocked faces in the back seat. 3 ridiculous hours spent handcuffed to a cold, hard, bench!

so... new year's resolution #87. deal with things as they come. everyday. unpack the day with His help. with His words of wisdom. with His love there to hold my hand along the way.

take the hard way now to avoid the long way later...

ME, MY, I

2008-01-09T13:58:00.000-06:00

criticize by creating.--Michelangelo

so--creating. that is something i am good at. or at least something i am passionate about anyway. if only i could transfer this concept from words to actions. i am good at seeing problems but slothly slow about making the changes necessary in me and around me to accomplish the good that i see in my head. in my marriage. in kidzone at church. in the groups that i am currently a part of and the ones that don't yet exist. in the relationships around me and in our world.

why is it i can see it so clearly and feel so strongly and do nothing? why is it that i won't let Him in to do the work for me? what is it stubborn soul? that you are stiving toward? although you exist inside of me-- i don't understand.

i guess down deep in my heart where things begin to get a bit gritty and grimy--where there exists nothing but my depravity--for i have not yet let Christ see this dark place, is the truth. and the truth is i want someone else to create these things for me. i want to be the receiver of these creations--not the creator. i want to be the reciever of love in my marriage--that is withering due to my stubborn selfishness. i want to be the observer of something amazing that happens for the kids in my church--not carry it creatively on my back. i want to continue to have a safe place to share--not create one for everyone else. i want to be a part of a mom's group, not the responsible leader. i want to benefit from a wounded hearts group not fight tooth and nail for the brave hearts that are reading the book and fighting to regain their lives. i want to complain about the rich--and how they should help the poor--not recognize i am one of the wealthy and step up to the responsibility that comes with it. i want to rail against the corruption in government and politics without joining hands to make a change.

in the dark depravity that is me...a dim light shines. it's the holy spirit. unveiling. sneaking in where He isn't welcome and moving things around. blowing the dust of my filthy selfishness and self centeredness. whew! as the dust flies i wonder what He thinks of all this. i wonder what He'll do. i wonder-- if it is ugly to me who knows sin--what does it look like to Him who can't stand it?

help me get out of the way, God of the angel armies!
make a way for me to become smallest and you to become largest.

if only...

2007-10-01T21:48:00.000-05:00

this song found me today...out of the blue. it was like a God hug.

leaving 99 by audio adrenaline

I'm lost and broken, all alone on this road
The wheels keep turnin', but the feelin' is gone
When I fear I'm on my own
You remind me I am not alone
When You said

I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
For you alone
I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you

It's dark and lonely and the path is unclear
Can't move my feet because I'm frozen in fear
Then you say, "My child, my child -
I am always here, I'm by your side"

I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
For you alone
I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you

You're never too far down
I promise you'll be found
I'll reach into the mud and mirely clay
Pursue you to the end
Like a faithful friend
Nothing in this world can keep me away

I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
For you alone
I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you

i've been away from the blogging world for way too long. so much has happened. i am so blessed. and i am so undeserving. if i could only get how much He loves me. if only.

how He sees me...

2007-04-05T10:18:00.000-05:00

a while back lynz shared that she longed for an image of herself before God. an image of who she really is...in order to get her mind around how she breaks the heart of God.

this image idea has been bumping around in my head. i've wondered lately what i must look like to God. and much like her i had come up with nothing.

until last night.

yesterday afternoon i was journaling a bit and asked God to help me understand two things. the whole whiter-than-snow-forgiveness-piece and the childlike faith thing. both of which are ever so elusive ideas in my life. i think i get them and then all my comprehension of them is gone and i am once again at square one. and square one is pretty much where i've been living lately.

last night at the building we engaged in some great corporate worship and during one of the songs i got an incredible visual.

i was in the middle of a puddle of mud--or muck. as i looked down at my limbs they were covered with the sticky black tar like substance. i was alone. so very alone. i was on my knees--stuck in this position endlessly it seemed. i was too dirty to be close to God. He was big and white and clean standing over me. i would try to get closer to Him and fail. try to inch closer to Him and simply get sucked back into the muck that covered me.

until...

until He picked me up like a newborn. effortlessly. i had been struggling, struggling, struggling to stand to my feet in this gunky hell. to get out! it was as if the mud that i was covered in was as strong as a bungee cord--pulling me back in, pulling me back in. what i had been trying to do for so long on my own He did in a second...and with no struggle. He picked me up and held me close and tight and strong. i had been alone for so long that His presence stirred something in me. filled something in me. but i was still ashamed of the dirt caked all over my body.

until...

until He washed me. again, like a newborn. i just lay there helpless as He painstakingly washed my body, inch by inch. this part wasn't so effortless on His part. this was tedious. but He did it with all the love and gentleness that i will soon wash little rhett's tiny body. and i just lay there. not offering excuses about why i was so dirty. i didn't even try to lift a finger to help. i just lay there--resigned to the fact that He and only He could get me clean. as he moved from my shoulder to my elbow, from my forearm to my hands i felt clean and loved and free. then he moved on to the more private areas of my body. i flinched in reaction to the hurts that have been administered to those areas. but He just continued washing away the dirt and shame from the areas that are by far the most intimate--the most sensitive to damage. i was scared for a moment. scared he would hurt me while i was helpless. but He didn't. He just washed it all away with nothing but a tender and appropriate touch. and as i lay in His arms--in His tender care--surrounded by grace and love,

running away didn't seem to make any sense. attempting to be independent didn't seem to make sense. being anywhere but here--helpless and clean--for the rest of my life, didn't seem to make any sense.

and that is my picture. that is my vision. this is who i am to God. This is who He knows me to be somewhere deep inside.

oh gideon

2007-03-29T17:27:00.000-05:00

journal entry--dated august 9th, 2004

"...right now i am struggling with how You have chosen to write this chapter. lyndsey, mandy, sara all pregnant. me not even able to find out for another week! how silly of me to second guess You. how after all this do i dare demand anything from You? how dare i hinge my happiness on this one matter instead of everything you are to me....Your timing is perfect on Your watch--even if it seems just a little late on mine."

journal entry--dated august 13, 2004

"...so i found out today I'm really not pregnant...how many months has it been? 3? 4? hmmm...if i have to look at one more negative pregnancy test i don't know what i'll do!..."

journal entry--dated december 1st, 2004

"...so i've been fasting for two days now(going on three). it has really been an amazing expirience...tuesday morning (day 2) i woke up early and my body was screaming at me. needless to say i couldn't go back to sleep so i prayed and listened--listened and prayed. i asked God if i would have more children and he said yes to a son. maybe that sounds really strange but i felt his spirit tell me, "yes. you will have a son.".... oh how i want to beleive. i want to be the one that trusts. but the reality is i am alot like thomas--the doubter. i'm sorry for my unbelief--Lord strengthen my faith..."

journal entry--dated oct 18th, 2006

"...thank You for the work You started in me and will some day finish! thank you. I praise You and ask You for big things. i ask You for a pregnancy followed by a baby. i beg You for this blessing although i am so undeserving. i am helpless."

journal entry--dated november 27th, 2006

found out about new life 11-17-06
prayed hannah's prayer found below 11-15-06

"oh God of the angel armies
if you'll take a good hard look at my pain,
if you'll quit neglecting me,
and go into action for me by giving me a son,
i'll give him completely, unreservedly to you.
i'll set him apart for a life of holy discipline."

"You answered me. You listened. You are really there...that is amazing. i am so undeserving of Your love and care. please forgive me for my unbelief...i bring this new life to You. i offer his health to Your hands. i pray for this child as it develops. i pray that it will be kind and You centered always. i pray that it will be able to see You and praise You in every situation. thank You for this baby!"

journal entry--dated november 28th, 2006

"psalm 78--this caught me by surprise. it tells the story of the isrealites. their disobedient path and their stupidity.

'sure He struck the rock and the water flowed, creeks cascaded from the rock but how about some fresh baked bread? how about a nice cut of meat?'

how dare they? how dare i? i am the isrealites...over and over again...."

journal entry--dated november 30th, 2006

"last night i experienced some spotting and i freaked out instead of trusting you. i am so sorry for that....i am currently cramping a bit more than is considered normal and i am scared. alot scared. i feel like a miscarriage is coming....God please help me! i feel like i am drowning in the face of this possible loss...i know that whatever you decide is good. but Father i pray bold prayers for this life inside of me...i pray that You will keep it alive. i pray that You will help me trust Your way is the best way even in this delicate situation. i pray big prayers because i know You are bigger than spotting or cramps or dr's....highs lows-good or bad i praise You and love You for You are good. and You can't be anything else!...my finite mind cannot grasp what it is You are doing...i will trust You. You told me i would have a son. i am trying to beleive that."

on december 5th, 2006 we were told the baby wouldn't make it and to prepare for a misscarriage.  

on december 12th, 2006 we found out that the baby was still alive.  

on january 2nd, 2007 we found out that the baby would make it--as far as the dr could tell.

as i read through these journal entries and many others i sounded exactly like those stupid isrealites in the OT. He shows up so often in my life and i doubt Him still...standing back and taking a look at His hands all over this baby's life already is breathtaking.

we will name our baby gideon. gideon rhett. gideon because he is the sign. just like gideon in the bible asked for signs rather than just trust i have asked for many and still don't always beleive. my baby is the very sign i asked for and once He granted it i still didn't beleive Him. over and over.

examining my audacity to pray hannah's prayer and only mean the first part was brutal! it kinda feels like God was checking me on that. saying, "will you really give him to Me? or were you just saying that?" come to find out i was just saying that.

this little baby boy child that kicks me far more often than any 23 week old should is an unspeakable miracle. all life is a miracle. i know. but gideon rhett dickens is my miracle. a miracle that tells me that God is there and He is listening and He thinks i am special and He really does love me. how much more of a sign could i ask for? yet i know i will ask for more...and more...and always more...

unfaithful, ungraceful, unloving

2007-02-16T15:39:00.000-06:00

some will seek forgiveness other's escape
song by copeland and underoath

Here's my kiss to betray
Desperate to brush the lips of grace

Do you feel hollow when you think of how I've lied?

Oh, sweet angel of mercy, with your grace like the morning
Wrap your loving arms around me

Hey, unfaithful, I will teach you To be stronger, Hey, ungraceful, I will teach you To forgive one another Hey, unfaithful, I will teach you To be stronger,
Hey, unloving I will love you
I will love you
I will love you
And Jesus I'm ready to come home
(JESUS, I'M READY)
I'm ready to come home
I'm ready to come
Hey unfaithful, hey ungraceful, hey unloving
I will love you
Hey unloving
I will love you

wow...what a song. it is usually a song that breaks me down and helps me home. this time i was broken down and desperate enough on my own for home and the song came about 30 minutes after.

these words.

unfaithful, ungraceful, unloving.

this is me.

i'm discovering that my journey is about learning that again and again.
that i am nothing by myself and He expects nothing but my nothingingness.
He is who He is no matter where i am...and i love being close to Him. and now i am back. and it feels good. so good i can't imagine ever leaving His side again. but i will--i know i will. it is in my "sheepish" nature to wander. for now i'll stay here.

emergency systems shut down

2007-02-13T14:14:00.000-06:00

the things that have happenned. all of them. i have been questioning them and Him. that doesn't mean i don't BELIEVE. it means i don't UNDERSTAND. seperating those two in my head and heart has been tough.

i don't know. i haven't blogged in a while because sometimes i feel pressured to be somewhere that i'm not...someone that i'm not. sometimes i just want to quit wrestling and just be happy. write happy things on this blog. maybe even funny things. but i can only be me. and i can only be where i am. sometimes i am happy and funny and then sometimes...and then sometimes i am here. my past has brought me here. the past that i struggle against every day.

the things that have happenned lately. mainly the threatened miscarriage--still has me scared. still has me numb. i can't feel anything. because i didn't want to feel the pain of the loss at the time and i turned everything off. i didn't want to turn everything off. i just wanted to turn the hurt off. but alive for me is a big red button. one push and everything shuts off. and i go back to being my protector instead of God...

and that's where i am. that's where i've been. God alone holds the reset to the big red button but right now i am too stubborn to ask.

so i' ve decided to make myself write on here again. because it helps me sort out the crazies. and saves so many innocent bystanders from listening to my ramblings. and helps me listen with a keener ear to my heartbeat. to exactly what is going on inside of this messy messy heart.

why's

2007-02-06T14:40:00.000-06:00

"Why" by bethany dillon
This house is echoing With the sound of You knocking at the door
But with three locks And the shades down You are easy to ignore
I put You on like an old pair of shoes I've put You off,
but now I need You
Why?
this love that never leaves me
Why are You holding me tonight?
Can't deny this love that is given me
Why? t
his love will never leave
You're a good strategy
when I need one
An angle when there is none
Like a doormat That always says welcome
No matter how much dirt I rub on
But when I am tired and run through
Look over this hill, I'm running to You

i'm in a weird, low place. i want to say "tell me a story of why God would want someone like me!" i want to say "give me an example of this unconditional, never ending love". who in the bible did God continue to love even when they failed him over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again? i want something, anything to make me feel better right now and at this point i've sold my soul to everything else but him. all the thoughts, words, actions, impulses and desires that i thought would help--haven't. i've relyed on nothing but me for the past few months so why would God want me back now? after i've used and accused, ignored and avoided him for so long?

this is where i'm at. and i can't seem to move. i don't know where He is right now. don't really know where i'm at. just asking alot of why's i guess. lots of confusion. chaos. i guess that's okay?

warchild

2007-01-19T09:35:00.000-06:00

warchild
by lexi

i am a child--
in a world that's falling down
completely unaware--
of the wreckage i walk in

i am a child--
who wants to be held
but far too many in this crumbling city--
are searching for the same

i am a child--
this is all i've known
a world where love is somewhere else--
and no one knows my name

i am a child--
shredded by the shrapnel
of my own and other's--
hereditary sins

i am a child--
in a world full of isn'ts
desperately searching--
for Someone who is

i am a child--
who can't comprehend
why when another peice of wreckage hits me--
i am surprised and hurting once again

i am a child--
a scared and wounded child
all my todays lost somewhere between yesterday--
and the day before

i am a child--
a war torn child
searching--looking--rummaging--
for something...something more.

i was awakened by this poem a few dawns ago. it was one of those lucky times i had the presence of mind to write it down. to be honest, i didn't want to write it down but i couldn't go back to sleep with it rumbling in my head. so i gave in to it's urging and somehow scribbled it down legibly in my journal.

lately life has left me uninspired. so it was a really nice little gift to wake up to later that morning:)

the promise

2006-12-19T11:22:00.000-06:00

so i got some good news back on my pregnancy. for no reason the hemorrage that was threatening the pregnancy is healing. after all of this i feel small. this whole time i've felt so angry and sad and entitled. such a sense of entitlement has come up in me these past few weeks in the face of this possible miscarriage. it's been ugly. to think that i deserved such a gift is apalling...but honest. this kind act of God has humbled me and made me think alot about faith and hope and his brand of love. it's made me think alot about His goodness. and if i really beleive in it.

why do i think only good things should happen to me? why do i think because i am a follower of Christ i should be exempt from the hurt and pain of this world that is my home? my prayers in all of this have been so selfish and self-centered. i didn't really care what He might have in store for me. i wanted my way. and i still do. the promise wasn't that we would have lives full of peace and love. the promise was that He would never leave or forsake us. the promise was that we would face trials of many kinds and that we should give thanks in those trials. i can tell you right now i was not giving thanks in any of this!!! what would it mean to give thanks in the midst of a storm? what would it mean to really trust and love Him that much?

this song is amazing. in this world of unexplained hurt and pain...this song helps me sort things out a bit...and remember it's not about me...it's about Him...and if He is good than that is perfect.

held by natalie grant
Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens To us who have died to live?
It’s unfair.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred NUMB our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell ...
we’d be held.

silence

2006-12-07T17:39:00.000-06:00

"i believe in the sun
even if it does not shine."

"i believe in love
even if i do not feel it."

"i believe in God
even when he is silent."

my great friend sara gave me this gift of embroidered words today. you have no idea how much these words meant to me in that moment.

we've found out this week that the new life that's inside me right now may not make it. it's hard understanding why. it's hard to believe. it's hard to hope. it's hard to believe and hope in this that He is good.

i know He is good. i know He is good. i know He is good.

i keep telling myself that. kinda like dorothy and that whole "there is no place like home thing". i think if i repeat it...over and over and over that i'll really get it. He is nothing but good and can be nothing but good. i know that. i believe that.

i am trying to believe that...

something is better than nothing

2006-12-01T15:13:00.000-06:00

today is world AIDS day!

a single day set aside to pause and take a look at this

silent, misunderstood and devastating

disease and ponder what what we can do to halt it's pandemic possibilities. this disease is sweeping across the world, coming to your neighborhood with little to no acknowledgement from the local church. how sad. that is a tragedy in and of itself.

perhaps our inaction is due to the fact that we are not only hopelessly self centered but a bit delusional in thinking we are safe here in suburban america. or perhaps we think we are too good to help the men women and children dying from this monster. perhaps we think we have a right to look down on those with what some ignorant people may think of as an "immoral" disease. hmmm.

Jesus walked and talked, loved and was loved by lepers and prostitutes. it has been said that AIDS is the modern day leprosy. what will you do to help?

it could be as simple as taking some time to educate yourself further on the subject, or reaching out to that one person you know that is infected. it could mean raising the awareness of those around you. it could mean taking some time to pray for those that are suffering from the disease and those who have set aside their lives to valiantly fight against it.

take whatever action today may mean for you,
doing something is better than doing nothing.

www.one.org

this thankful season

2006-11-28T12:03:00.000-06:00

this thankful season i am appreciative of so much! there are so many things i walk by every day--so much i take for granted.

today i am grateful for mountain tops--especially the one i am standing on now--

and valleys, like the one i finally climbed out of.

i am thankful for life--especially the new little one growing inside of me:)

and i am thankful for death--the one on the cross that i couldn't live without.

i am ever so grateful for the love that He shows me every day. my prayer is that i can learn to live in that love and give it away graciously.

i am new. i am changed. i am His and i am loved.

wow!

today i am thankful for it all. good and bad. big and small. high and low.

it is all His and it is all GOOD, for He is GOOD.

and mostly i am thankful for that. that no matter what, He can't help Himself or be anything but good. i am ever so thankful that...

He is good.

you call me beautiful?

2006-10-26T09:51:00.000-05:00

as always a song can go where my words cannot...this song knows me.

call me beautiful

a song by ginny owens

I've been waiting
For a hero who's brave and strong-
Someone to love me,
Someone to tell me I belong,
So I pretend I'm satisfied,
And I stand watching on the sidelines,
'Til You pull me into the light
And say, "It's Your turn now,
Welcome to your life!"

And You call me beautiful,
And say You've loved me all along,
And You've always held the keys to unlock my soul
Oh You call me beautiful

There's a smile on my face,
And a brand new light in my eyes,
It's a new day,
And I've never felt so alive-
I feel as if I could conquer anything,
Oh that's what Your love has done for me,
And now all I want to be,
Is everything You want me to be-

And You call me beautiful,
And say You've loved me all along,
And You've always held the keys To unlock my soul,
But I didn't know-

Now I can finally start to live,
Take those chances I have missed,
Things will be much different,
Now that I knowYou call me beautiful

The story is better than I could dream after all,
Now this is reality
To know You and to hear You
call me beautiful
Call me beautiful-
Now I can finally start to live,
Take those chances I have missed,
Things will be much different,
Now that I know-
Now that I knowYou call me beautiful

His burden is light?

2006-10-18T16:08:00.000-05:00

i can honestly say until just recently i have had a hard time with Jesus' words,

"come to me all you are heavy laden--for my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

it seems since i've become a Christ-follower that has been anything but the case! it is just recently that i started looking inside at who i am and what i do to break the heart of God. and--arrogent me--i kinda thought that the point was to fix it. me...by myself--fix me--you know, just kinda take care of what i found in there. in the name of God of course!

i may be just a little slow, but earlier this week it was made clear to me how this action in itself breaks the heart of God. this whole time i didn't realize that God wanted to be a part of the changing--the molding me into a new creature. i kinda thought He saved me and i needed to do the rest...as if i am capable of anything good...wow. i would never say that i was one that beleived in a "works gospel" but i feel like i have been living it for 6 months now.

i feel so releived. so grateful and RELEIVED!!! that His yoke is easy and His burden is soooo light. that His grace leaves me with nothing to "do". nothing. i just need to remain helpless.

helpless...hmmmm.

now how the heck do i do that?

oh--yeah...

2006-10-13T16:42:00.000-05:00

i interrupted heaven a few minutes ago--i prayed. i banged on the door and surprisingly enough someone answered. i demanded proof.

i said, "i need to know that you really love me like that book the bible says that you love me! GIVE ME A SIGN!!!!"

and the voice on the other side of that celestial door said, "i already did. His name is Jesus."

oh--yeah...

i give up

2006-10-13T15:20:00.000-05:00

don't really know how to make the last few days come alive with words. more and more i am unable to adequately express myself on this crazy blog.

but here goes...i think this is the easiest way to explain it.

i think God declared war on my pride.

and i think a humility bomb just went off in my life--

putting huge holes in my defenses and wounding my arrogance so critically that i don't know which wound to lick first. i'm overwhlemed and beginning to think that licking my wounds won't work this time. like it has for the past six months. i think my defenses are permanantly destroyed...rendered irrepairable.

on top of all this, i think He's got me surrounded. at this point i only really have one choice.

up goes the flag. not lexi's flag, the one that has been waving over my life for far too long...but the white one...

i surrender.

i am velcro

2006-10-11T22:06:00.000-05:00

"Ambivalence is a state of conflicting emotions at the same time related to the same object, idea or person (for example, feeling both love and hatred for someone or something). The term is also commonly used to refer to situations where 'mixed feelings' of a more general sort are experienced or where a person feels uncertainty or indecisiveness concerning something. a person's everyday 'mixed feelings' may easily be based on a quite realistic assessment of the imperfect nature of the thing being considered.

One common saying which entertains the young mind is, 'Me, ambivalent? Well yes and no'."

ambivalance is a big word. a big word that translates into an immediate and immeasurable amount of stress in my life. i am an ambivalant mess.

but oddly enough the Bible says that God is at peace with conflicting emotions. He loves us and hates our sin. He is both God and man. at the same time. and it doesn't stress Him out.

i am yearning for perfection on this side of heaven and i'm never gonna get it. and it forever leaves me ambivalant. as if my personal dissatisfaction can change the world in this way...and create instant perfection...all because of me and my needs.

if i only had eyes to see that this world is not the point. if i only had eyes to see that my comfort is not "it". if i only had eyes to see nothing but my Father and what He wants me to do. not others. just me. and if i had the courage to look at that.

because i really want to see the world like this, satisfied with this imperfect earth...and then again i don't. inside i kinda want it to be enough. i want to find a little peice of perfection here. and i am uneasy with life until i can make sense of these opposite pulls.
imagine that. me, ambivalent? yes and no...

the picture at the top of the blog is a picture of velcro. amivalant velcro. the two sides of this velcro are being pulled apart. one side is holding on and one side is letting go. the consequence is the awful crackling sound that velcro makes when the two opposing forces inevitably end in the seperation. today i feel like this velcro. i feel two things so strongly that they are painfully seperating my life into stress. and unhappiness. and it's almost like i can hear that crackily sound too:) i stubbornly insist on the pulling apart. and yet velcro serves such a great purpose when it is together. not so much when it is being pulled apart. why then can i not just be comfortable feeling both things. being both ways?

perspective

2006-10-06T17:20:00.000-05:00

i'm nothing but a name on a list in another's life.

i didn't get a call from the dr. today...like they told me i would. it sucks. but i am powerless. i can kick and scream about how insensitive that is...and i have...but all my juvinille fit throwing won't fix anything. i have no choice but to wait until monday for news...as if 2 and a half years hasn't been waiting enough. it feels like my emotions are a game to Him sometimes. He could have written today's story different. but He didn't. today's chapter did make me pause long enough to recognize that my problems don't make the world go round or even stop traffic. i'm feeling a bit small. and sad. and scared.

i'm nothing but a name on a list in another's life.
a name she didn't get to today. a name--attached to some routine test results that will get taken care of monday...and that has to be okay...

waiting by the phone

2006-10-06T12:27:00.000-05:00

i'm staring at the phone...waiting...for it to ring...

i'm expecting a phone call from the dr. today. today they are supposed to tell me something--ANYTHING! about what is going on with my body.

eric and i have been trying to get pregnant for about 2 and a half years now.

that's a long time...and alot of negative pregnancy tests.

today they are supposed to call and tell me something technichal about whether or not i am producing the right amount of hormones to sustain life.

so i went and saw my dr. 2 weeks ago about this fertility issue. she smiled sweetly upon my departure and cheerfully told me to start taking prenatal vitimins because "hopefully next time we meet we will have a pregnancy". i wanted to believe her but 2 and a half years is a long time

...a long time...and alot of baby showers.

don't know exactly what i want to hear when phone finally rings today. don't know what news would be better...and what would be worse. i think the worst news that they could give me is that they don't know what's wrong...becuase that's where i've been for two years and it sucks!

i feel so cynical about this whole thing. and cynisism is a new one for me. i think my cynisism is a big ol' mask for my fears. my deep, dark, fear that this is what i deserve. this this is some kind of divine punishment for my sins. punishment for my first pregnancy. a pregnancy that i didn't want. a pregnancy that shouldn't have happenned. a pregnancy that i at one time i wished never happenned...i wished it...i wanted it to go away...i wanted her to go away...ah, the guilt...

well, it sure feels like punishment--this waiting on a phone call. i wonder what they will say...i wonder what i will say...or do...

i want to say mean things to God right now.
things like,

WHY???
what do you think are you doing?
is being on birth control the only way i can get pregnant? or was that just a little joke that you played on me?
why when i was in college, chasing dreams?
and why not now? when i have a house, a ring and even a room!?!
WHY and WHY NOT?!?

my thoughts and feelings are out of control...i know. but i'm feeling them just the same. what good would it do to ignore them? i must own them in this moment...and then pass them on to bigger more capable hands. can He handle it?!? can i? can i handle handing it all over???

i'm staring at the phone...waiting...for it to ring...with some news...any news.

how 'bout love

2006-10-05T08:34:00.000-05:00

sometimes jaeda amazes me with her knowlege about life.

we were sitting at the dinner table last night--me, eric, jaeda and my little brother isaiah--it was a normal wednesday night. we were rushing around, trying to choke down some spaghetti before heading off to church. the kids were bickering back and forth about who was smarter, who was better at math--that sort of thing. then jaeda started trying her best to stump zea with simple math equations like what's 4+12? each correct answer he gave successfully frustrated her and amped up his 8 year old self esteem.

then a quite arrogant isaiah said, "think of the hardest thing that you can-- bet i can figure it out!"

jaeda thought for a while and then said the most amazing thing,

"ummm...how 'bout love."

i didn't think i had heard her right so i asked her to repeat herself.

she answered and said, " bubby asked me to think of the haudest thing i could think of so i said love."

"love? why would you say love was the hardest thing?" i asked.

"because it's scary and you can't be afwaid of it."

as soon as the words were out of her mouth, a lump started too grow in my throat. i was taken back by her 5 year old wisdom. so straightforward and sensible. i now understand why God said that in order to come to Him we have to become like children. children hear the right question. we hear only the obvious ones. children prioritize by what is important, not what is urgent or expected. that is beautiful. that is what Christ asks me for...

it's sad that sometimes jaeda gets it and i don't.

finding myself in the wake of others and following my own...

2006-10-05T00:15:00.000-05:00

finding myself in the wake of others...

so eric and i were just laying in bed and had pretty much the deepest disscussion we've ever had. wow. i came in to blog about it just so i wouldn't forget the conclusions we came to.

so we started talking about eric's inablility to let loose with kids at church. and he said that his participation in helping with kidzone tonight would have been drastically different if the rest of the adults in the room weren't there. it was the adults opinion--me included--that caused him the most anxiety when thinking about "letting loose". so i was trying to push him a bit and ask him why and stuff and then he got real deep on me and told me he would tell me something if i promised to just love him. of course i said i would and he proceeded to tell me that there are some people--random people--that really intimidate him.

if you know eric, that is really saying something. eric is not only a social butterfly but is also extremely bold in social situations--i was surprised to find that we shared this secret intimidation. he named of a few people that we both know. quite a random lot and the funny thing was they were the same people that intimidate me! we proceeded blindly into the conversation slowly uncovering the feelings that we share when encountering these people--feelings of

super sensitivity and self protection.

feelings of self consiousness and hypocracy.

we decided that the reason these particular people intimidate us is because

they have something that we don't.

and then we went even further than that and said that

we are jealous of them for being someone we can't.

and then a step further than that and finally came to the realization that

the reason that we feel intimidated by these certin people's presence is because they are extremely comfortable in their own skin. they know who they are and are not afraid to act that way. they recognize their personal strengths and weaknesses and are fearful of nothing...seemingly enough anyway.

it was weird that all the people we were talking about were Christ followers. i know plenty of people that i am intimidated by that are not christians. but their intimidation repells me instead of attracts me. i started to think about that and thought maybe, just maybe, the Christ followers that intimidate me are so boldly themselves because they know Jesus and are conviced of the fact that He loves Him just the way they are and they pass that on. in their world their best friend is the King and because of that there is nothing to be afraid of. eric and i decided that is why we always feel like we are lying when we are around them. we do not act like ourselves because we are so busy taking self protective measures that we loose track of who we are and who we aren't and end up feeling like a fraud...but only around people that are not doing the same thing as we are. the truth is the majority of people are like eric and i--constant self protectors. and these people that intimidate us--we pretty much avoid them. it's not like we dislike them. there are many people in my list of "intimidators" that i love and respect. but we avoid their presence because it makes us uncomfortable.

following my own...

so then we started asking ourselves who we make uncomfortable. wow! what a revelation! here lately i have felt like people don't like me. when i talk they give me blank stares or when i am authentic they are speechless or avoid the topic of disscussion that i have brought up. i have found that there are many people that i do this to. not on purpose...at first.

at first i am just being me. and then i feel misunderstood so i embellish the feeling and make it bigger so i feel superior. wow! what a rude wake i have been leaving in people's lives. i am the rude speed boat that zooms by while others are trying to learn to ski, being completly unaware of anything but me! how careless i have been with my life. i have been so blind for so long about how i make other people feel. and it is not the method that needs to change, it is the motive behind the method.

everything i have done thus far has been motivated by selfish gain. if it were instead motivated by love...how different would my life look? what if i wasn't trying to use each and every conversation as leverage to help everyone see me as superior? what if every conversation i had was motivated by love for the other person? what if i trusted God enough in every interaction that i had with another human, that i could simply be who He made me? why does is all HAVE to come back to trusting God?

no self protection.

just me.

no more. no less.

in the midst of my mess...

2006-10-04T09:57:00.000-05:00

i feel a bit like a kid sent to my room to clean it. well i can see the floor now --that's the good news. i mean--at least i know what i am dealing with. the bad news is that the entire contents of the closet and dresser have now joined the already visible clutter, creating a mess of mass proportions! you know how things sometimes get worse before they get better? yeah, that's where i'm at in life.

my abuse group is drawing to a close. we've been at this for 6 grueling months and we now have about 3 weeks left. i wish that upon leaving this group i would be "all better". but i know that is not how it works. this group has been glorious at revealing the hurts of my wounded soul, which has helped me understand why i do what i do and how deeply it hurts the heart of God. this has been amazing and difficult and definately life changing. but...the part that sucks is that for the rest of my life i have to make tough, counter-intuitive desisions to preserve my emotional and spiritual health. which from this perspective seems impossible...

sometimes making the tough desisions is hard and then sometimes--like this past weekend, it's seemingly impossible!

it is just entirely easier to demand that everyone and everything else complete me...

even though i now know that a void of this magnitude can only be filled by the living God...still i keep trying to throw other stuff in there...with the high hopes of forgoing God's help and taking care of myself once again. seems safer--but is definatly lonlier...

so i have made the desision to continue to push toward God's reality being enough. if only i can continue be brave enough to face His reality, embrace the emotions that come with it, and then trust Him to take care of me in the midst of my mess.

i came across this old alanis morrissette song. and believe it or not alanis "gets" me. i don't always get her but...:) i can't express my current state of emotion better than she does here...

Precious Illusions--Alanis Morissette

you'll rescue me right?
in the exact same way they never did..
I'll be happy right?
when your healing powers kick in

you'll complete me right?
then my life can finally begin
I'll be worthy right?
only when you realize the gem I am?

but this won't work now the way it once did
and I won't keep it up even though I would love to 
once I know who I'm not then  I'll know who I am
but I know I won't keep on playing the victim

these precious illusions
in my head
did not let me down
when I was defenseless
and parting with them
is like parting
with invisible best friends

this ring will help me yet
as will you, knight in shining armor
this pill will help me yet
as will these boys gone through like water

but this won't work as well as the way it once did
cuz I want to decide between 
survival and bliss
and though I know who I'm not I still don't know who I am
but I know I won't keep on playing the victim

these precious illusions
in my head
did not let me down when
I was a kid 
and parting with them
is like parting with a
childhood best friend

I've spent so long firmly looking outside me
I've spent so much time living in survival mode

my blue eyed girl

2006-09-29T17:37:00.000-05:00

A little sample of my five year old photo shoot with j. she was so photogenic! what a little beauty she is. so expressive. and full of energy. we had an exciting little adventure that night. we would just pull over on the side of the road where we spotted a bunch of sunflowers and we'd shoot a few poses and then drive down the road a bit to a different sunflowery location. it was fun. i pretty much bribed her with everything i had, but it was worth it! so worth it to have these momentos of her last night as a four year old...she's getting so big so fast.

birthday girl

2006-09-29T16:58:00.000-05:00

we celebrated j's 5th birthday on saturday. here is where i say the cliched , "I can't believe my baby's five!" anyway with that out of the way, i can now go on with my story... we had a secret garden tea party in the backyard. it was by far the funnest and cheapest party we have had yet!!! and that is saying alot because i tend to get a little crazy with birthday parties:) there is just something beautiful to me about organizing a day to celebrate the life of one unique person and i love, love, love to do it well. everyone brought their own tea cup, jaeda's grammy made the beautiful cake, and we played games like pin the flower on the stem and musical chairs. so, all in all, the party was a big hit--jaeda was pleased and overwhelmed with it all:) what a day to celebrate my little wonder--it was perfect. well almost...

just as the party was wrapping up, little olivia--the precious tank of a two year old that spent the summer with us--asked me to take her to the bathroom. so just as we started up the wooden deck stairs she began to scream. i looked down at her foot and saw two splinters the size of a small tree sticking out of the bottom of her little bare foot!!!

holy cwap, as alyssa would say!!!

lynz helped me settle her down and i then attempted to pull the twig out of her baby skin:( it was terrible, terrible, terrible. i was ready to call an ambulance. one piece had managed to puncture the skin and come back out and the other was so deeply furrowed into this little girls foot that i couldn't pull it out by hand--eric finally got it out with pliers!!! OUCH! but she is a tought little cookie and quickly settled down after the splinters had been removed. it was just a few minutes after we removed the tree from her foot that she said, "hey, can i see it?", refering to her boo-boo. wow!

i knew the party was too good to be true! next time we might not go barefoot--that's all.

my own two feet

2006-09-08T09:10:00.000-05:00

i am the prodigal forever trying to get up from my knees.

i am the prodigal who has come back home and deserves nothing.

but the longer i am near my Father the more i try to impress Him with all i've learned since coming back.

the longer i am near my Father the more i think He wants me to "do" something for Him.

in trying to stand up on my own two feet i end up tripping all over them and end up right where i began--on my knees.

it's almost like He wants me to stay here or something... accepting all He has to offer me, accepting His guilt-free gifts and undeserved blessings.

the problem is i try to deserve them.

i feel guilty when i recieve them.

because i am proud.

because i'm mad at myself for not deserving them
--for being a screw up--
as if without Him i could be anything else...

i wanna be there

2006-08-25T11:39:00.000-05:00

i've recently heard this song sung from divine lips and the expirience has transformed it's meaning for me forever. it's an old favorite of eric and i's. we actually saw this group in concert once a long time ago...eric used to play this song for me...and it was beautiful. but sung from my Father to me this song's beauty is now completely different and far more breathtaking now than it ever was...

i wanna be there--blessed union of soul

won't you let me catch your fall?
won't you let me lend a hand?
those lonely eyes have seen it all--
but love's too blind to understand.

Cause you don't know what you have
Til your everything is gone.
You need someone to show you
How to live again.

I wanna be there when you're feeling high.
I wanna be there when you wanna die.
I'm gonna light your fire, I'm gonna feel your flame.
I wanna be there when you go insane.
I wanna be there when you're feeling down.
And I'll be there when your head is spinnin 'round.
Gonna be your lover, gonna be your friend.
I wanna be there til the end.

You wouldn't know that I was there
Cause I have been there all the time.
And if I had my way I'd hold you in my arms
And leave this madness all behind.

Cause you got so much to give,
But you throw it all away.
And all you've got to show for
Who you are is pain.

And I've got so much to give,
If you'd only let me in.
I'm gonna take the time
To show you I'm a friend.
You'll believe in love again.

I wanna be there in the pouring rain.
I wanna be there when you call my name.
Gonna light your fire, I'm gonna feel your flame.
I wanna be there when you go insane.
I wanna be there when I you're outta town.
And when your whole damn world is crashing down.
I'm gonna be your lover, gonna be your friend.
I'm wanna be there til the end.

Cause you don't know what you have
Til your everything is gone.
You need someone to show you
How to live again.

I'm gonna be there in the morning.
I'm gonna be there in the night.
I'm gonna be your lover, gonna be your friend.
I'm gonna be there til the end, yeah.

meant for so much more

2006-08-23T15:04:00.000-05:00

so here i am. standing at the edge of this metaphorical cliff. stepping off means letting go of everything "me" and trusting nothing but Him.

i am a bit different from most in that i am not afraid of heights persay--
i am mostly just afraid of falling.
that i-would-rather-die-than-be-suspended-midair-not-knowing-where-my-stomach-is
kinda feeling.

yeah.

that.

hate that.

hate that out of control feeling...as if i am in control otherwise. ha. i took a trust fall with God last week and He caught me so what do i have to be afraid of now? same old stuff? really? all over again?

that i won't be in control? that it won't be pretty? that it might hurt? yup...same old fears. same old fears. even though He did all He could do to show me otherwise, it's those same old fears that keep my feet planted here--instead of just jumping in. into His grace. into His provision. into His arms.

see, i'm good here on the edge. actually i'm way more comfortable a few steps back. back there it's all me. there is no one else--and because of my depravity--the whole not needing God thing is really tempting. even though i know different. i know that back there it gets lonely. it gets ugly. gets confusing. but this damn edge gets confusing too! really confusing!!! sometimes i feel like i could just jump...accidentally. that is so one of my worst fears. when i am on a ski lift or a cliff or any where that i am not seatbelted down, i am so scared that my body will just--do it. just jump. that's how it feels now. i am looking over this relational cliff so scared that the honest words will just come pouring out of my mouth. it is so much harder to be here on the edge than a few comfortable steps back. actually a few miles would be nice! except i've been miles away before. and i didn't like it then...
i am so not built for this edge. i am built to fly.
i was meant for so much more than this dusty old cliff. He and i both know it. i hate this edge. He says that He hates the edge more than me! He says hot or cold. no middle. no edge. and yet i've been camped out on this edge for so long i almost think it's where i belong. i can talk myself into this being the right place to be. i can talk myself into just staying here.

i am convinced that He is behind me, in so many events and circumstances, pushing me closer and closer to my fear. the pebbles beneath my feet are slipping off the side and into the great crater below. increasing the reality factor and doing nothing to quell my fear.

i know my only choice is to jump. jump into the abyss of God's grace and provision and COMPLETE CONTROL. but those are scary words. and i don't wanna! all i can think about is falling. flying is hardly even a passing thought. i'm standing here looking at a very scary, very real cliff. jumping means changing my life in so many ways and trusting Him that He will be enough in all of it.
scary.
real.
everyday faith stuff.
but i am so sick and tired of this edge that stepping off is starting to sound really good.

so here i go...who knows what's next...

forest fire

2006-08-22T10:30:00.000-05:00

"Spiritual growth requires discernment. we must learn to respond to the fresh wind of the Spirit. moses didn't ask or arrange for the burning bush. but once it was there he had to make a choice whether to turn aside and pay attention to the work of God. God's responsibility is to provide the burning bush. Our responsibility is to turn aside. i often forget this."

--john ortberg in The Life You've Always Wanted

God has chosen to forgo the burning bushes in my life and has opted for the forest fire.

i imagine that it is impossible for anyone remotely near a forest fire to ignore the grit of soot on their face and the heat from the tremendous blaze on their skin. i would imagine that they would have one thought, and one thought only. and that would be to move!!!

all my life, all i have ever done is move away from the fire...ignoring it to the best of my abilities. but the fire follows me in and out of every faze of my life. spreading to suprising places. places i never thought it could reach. places i least expect to find it. the burning bush is okay for the soft hearted. the forest fire is the only way that God gets to me--one of the blessed hard headed.

sometimes i feel like david in psalms. looking in every direction and always finding trouble. finding enemies and situations that stretch and pull and cause me to move out of the safe places and into the protecting arms of my Father.

because hey, if it were a burning bush He and i both know that i would never choose to look. i've made the forest fire the only way that He can speak to me. the only way i'll make time for Him. the only way He can distract me from my mindless earthly pursuits.

the forest fires of my life are the only times i have accepted that God is God and i am not. the forest fires are the only times that i allow myself to be saved by Him. to need Him. standing in the middle of a forest fire is when i have no choice but to admit that i would be lost without His fire jumping capabilities. i would perish. i would be nothing.

standing in the midst of yet another forest fire, i am trying my best to rely on my own strength to get me out of this one. HA! it is a ridiculous thought even as i type it. but standing in the middle of my life right now it seems to make the most sense. hmmmm...

just found out after a year and a half of impatient waiting that there is nothing physically that is keeping eric from reproducing. our 2 and a half year infertility issue is not him. which is wonderful. but that means it's me. that means it's me. that is one big burning bush contributing to this forest of fire.

just can't seem to figure out relationships. they are zapping me. they are wearing me out. the annoying mirrors that others are holding up to me right now are another aspect of this blaze that is beginning to surround me. small group is crappy. community feels non-existant. friends seem far away and unsafe. there are some relationships in my life that are on fire but i don't have the strength or the energy to work on putting them out.
another burning bush.

my journey into my past abuse has been heated for awhile. i feel like i am struggling to obtain oxygen in this area. struggling, struggling, struggling. and yet without the struggle i know i would never admit my need for Him. and yet i just want to run from the heat. run from this mess. run from all these things that are supposed to pull me closer to Him. it hurts. all of it. i don't want to look at it. any of it. i want to out run this.

roy told a true story a few weeks ago at church about this very thing. he said that there was a crew of fire fighters in the middle of a forest fire and they were definately on the losing end of the deal. the fire was closing in on them and about to surround them and overtake the entire crew of like 24 men. the captain of the crew considered his options and decided that they could never outrun the fire. that it would be worthless. that they would all die if they ran. but yet running is the only thing that seemed to make sense. but in the moment he thought of another option.

he told the guys to light a fire around them.

his crew looked at him like he was crazy and took off on foot in order to flee from the fire and save their lives the only way they knew how. the only way that made logical sense. the captain stayed in the fire's blazing path and lit a fire around him. the fire that he lit burned up the brush around him and he put his fireproof gear over him and said a prayer. the captain survived. he and two others were the only survivors. he survived because instead of out running the blaze he opted to stay in it. and figure it out. though i am sure it got hotter at first--though i am sure it was not at all comfortable--he made it out with his life. this fire fighting tactic has since saved many more lives besides just his own.

an amazing story. if i could only apply it to my life. because right now the only option that seems to make sense is to run for the hills. i have no idea what it would look like to stay. and let it all get hotter. . .

past the picket fences

2006-08-16T17:11:00.000-05:00

what an unbelievable church i belong to! this last sunday they played this derek webb song...and i can't get it out of my head! i love that my "church" doesn't stop when i walk out of the door. i love that the things we talk about in that building follow me out into my everyday life--making me examine myself and my relationship with God all through the week. both, in the easy to apply situations and the hard. i am so grateful that God has created me to be a part of this loving, stumbling, truth telling, and at times disappionting, community.

here is the song. as always leaving the shoal creek stage--going right past my picket fence defences and entering right into my heart and life...sin doesn't look the same anymore. sin sometimes looks alot like doing good...so says paul in romans 7.

i repent by derek webb

i repent, i repent of my pursuit of america's dream i repent, i repent of living like i deserve anything of my house, my fence, my kids, my wife in our suburb where we're safe and white i am wrong and of these things i repent i repent, i repent of parading my liberty i repent. i repent of paying for what i get for free and for the way i believe that i am living right by trading sins for others that are easier to hide i am wrong and of these things i repent i repent judging by a law that even i can't keep of wearing righteousness like a disguise to see through the planks in my own eyes i repent, i repent of trading truth for false unity i repent, i repent of confusing peace and idolatry by caring more of what they think than what i know of what we need by domesticating you until you look just like me i am wrong and of these things i repent

my trust fall

2006-08-10T15:11:00.000-05:00

it's been awhile since i've played the game of "trust". the game where you have a partner and you take turns falling backward and catching each other. do you remember? i always did have a hard time playing that game. i was a great "catcher" just not a very good "truster". i would catch myself just enough so that if my partner was to forget about me, i wouldn't land quite so hard. so that just in case-- it wouldn't hurt so bad. but i was sneaky about it--i would let them half catch me and then get up and say, "i really did it that time! i really trusted you!" and my partner would just look at me a little doubtfully and continue playing.

there's something about this game...there's something exhilarating about really free falling and then being caught. whether i'm playing the game or living life, when it comes to trusting i've always protected myself from that out of control falling feeling. i've never trusted in anything but myself to take care of me. not even God. in saving myself everytime this instance comes up i have never quite gotten the full effect of the give and take. i am always just a little too scared in that moment of question. scared of the dissappiontment. scared of the hurt. just too scared to trust.

i think there is a deep longing built into the human heart that longs to be protected. that longs to be "caught". i think my longing was disappionted by people so often in my childhood that somewhere along the way i picked up a style of relating that made sure i could never be hurt in this area again...i built walls high and strong enough that everyone who approached was discouraged by my stony appearance. in meeting Christ and openly choosing to live the rest of my life in active worship--that is yearning to be like Him--my walls have slowly started crumbling. i mean, who can love--truly love without being vulnerble? my walls had to come down. the initial crumbling made me scared. at first i was very overaware of anyone that i let close enough to see me. but in the joy and exhileration of the new and amazing sensation that is "being known", i forgot the guard at all.

yesterday my "what if" happened. the "what if" that i've been protecting myself from my whole life long. my new vulnerbility was met with an attack. whether the attack was intentional or unintentional is really of no importance. to me it felt like a death blow. and sitting in a room with some of my closest friends and my husband i expected someone, ANYONE, to rush to my protection. to my defense. i was speechless. i was completely speechless because the only words i had to say would have hastily rebuilt the walls that have been so long in coming down.

so far i have shown my vulnerbility to people that have handled my heart tenderly. and to be fair, the offending party has no idea of my story. of my vulnerble song. but in my new expirience of vulnerbility i have not yet had to face the reality of fallen man. the reality that i will be hurt. the reality that no one will protect me from that DEEP DEEP HURT. in the moment all i felt was rage--my whole body was on FIRE and i did my best to hide it in a ramirez laugh/cry. (see below)

definition--the laugh cry is an defense mechanism that is known only to the 4 ramirez girls. it is a joke between close friends that have observed this strange phenomenon:) when the ramirez girls are overwhelmed with hurt or fear or sorrow, they laugh/cry. it's weird. they are the people that laugh at funerals. and sob at rodeos:)

anyway.

in that moment the laugh came, the suprised-hurt-i-can't-handle-these-emotions-laugh
that is almost always followed by uncontrolable sobs. well...i refused to be "that girl" that gets her feelings hurt too easily and tried to stuff my tears down deep into my throat but couldn't. just couldn't. as soon as small group was over i just wanted to be alone. i couldn't bear to lose it in front of everyone. so i went to the bathroom and stayed there for a while and did my best to get it together. i walked out with my head high but then i encountered my husband in the hall. and he asked the dreaded question that dug the sob up from where i had so carefully hidden it. we slipped into the extra bedroom and i managed to say enough words for him to understand that i needed him to get everyone out of the house as soon as possible and not draw attention to the fact that i was not joining in the post small group chat that i typically adore. he exited and lynz entered. my best friend did what best friends do and was on to me:) she saw the interaction that had hurt me so deeply and came in to talk. or to let me cry, as it turned out. in that moment i was so the girl crying in the bathroom with the hurt feelings that i have have hated all my life! life always comes full circle with me...always. i felt so jr. high-ish! then another of my great friends came looking for me just to talk but my tearstreaked face begged for an explaination. ughhh! wow...i was so that girl...so that girl...

soon enough everyone left and our friends the perry's stayed to talk...and explore me and my hurt. they gently guided me with truth and love to an amazing place. a place that i was able to be honest in my dissappiontment of them as my friends and the unprotection and betrayal i felt from my husband. i have been reading about all these confusing feelings and how they are directly related to so much of my ugly abusive past and last night it came out in one big twisted knot of raw emotion.

so i tell all of this for a reason i promise. i tell all of this to say that last night i finally fell back into the arms of God and He caught me. my self protection was not in the way for the first time. in feeling deep pain for the first time without saving myself, He was the only one that could make it all better. the hurt was too much for anyone else to handle. His deft fingers were the only ones that could sew up the wound in my soul.

i fell back.
and was caught.
and it was beautiful.

i stayed up way too late enjoying this new found intimacy with my Father. i just sat on my back porch under the night sky...and for the first time i climbed into His lap and let Him comfort me. i found strength in His understanding. i felt loved in His strong arms. i felt exhilerated.

yeah, the hurt still hurts. it stings today like none other! but there is something to TRUSTING that the God of the universe loves me. really depending on that to erase everything else.

last night, the God that hand crafted the beautiful full moon that all of this happened under, "caught" me in my trust fall.

He was there. loving me. protecting me. He was not capable of betraying me. or hurting me. and is forever available for me to run to when people, only humanly, let me down. and i got that. i really got that last night. it went from my mouth and head, straight to my heart.

so...last night.

it turned out to be a great night after all. i played my first ever game of "trust" with the God of the universe. and i am so the annoying kid that says,

"again, again, daddy. again, again!"

and since His love is never ending, i am looking forward to a lifetime of expiriencing His love and protection...and i can't wait!

through my Father's eyes

2006-07-28T23:43:00.000-05:00

sometimes she catches me off guard.

sometimes i can't take my eyes off of her.

my grandma took these pics last friday night when jaeda stayed the night at her house for the first time. i gasped when i first saw them. she is beautiful. and i don't even care if she gets a big head for her ol' mom telling her that too much. i think a little girl of any age cannot be told enough!i've never heard of a girl having too much self esteem!

these still shots of my little living epistle took my breath away. and eric can laugh all he wants at how darn long it takes me to look--no examine--one picture, because i don't even care!!! i couldn't help but look at these frozen moments again and again and again and again...each time seeing a new--gorgeous and overlooked--way, that my girl is made like no other. each time savoring the treasure of a person that has been given to me to love.

despite the fact that today was a rough "listening day", despite the fact that she is bossy and messy and soooo four years old, there is nothing more beautiful to me than her big blue eyes...oh, and when she smiles!!! her many four year old faults don't even come into my head when i see her face.

if my love for j is supposed to be a picture of my Father's love for me than i can't help but wonder how many times He pours over my image in a day. if i could only see the way He loves me...the beauty that He sees every time He looks at me...maybe i could hold my head up higher and live a life of praise instead of walking through life with my head hanging--like my every move is an apology for being "me".

if i could only see me the way that He sees me. it would change everything...
maybe i could finally trust Him enough to fully love Him back...

uncommon days

2006-07-21T09:54:00.000-05:00

"there is no such thing as a common day. every day has something about it that no other day has. haven't you noticed?"
--Anne (with an e) Shirley-Blythe

this summer has been full of kid days, pool days and silly days. every morning i wake up with the feeling that Anything can show up today. and sure enough, once we've had breakfast, Anything usually knockes on the door. presenting himself in "un-birthday days" and "fingerpaint each other days" and "lemonade stand at the pool days" and even "rainy barbie days".

what a summer it's been! jaeda wakes up everyday and says, "what day is today, momma?"

good question for all of us to ask ourselves each morning.

what day is today?

do you know what today is? your choice. and tomorrow? the same. and the next...

falling up

2006-07-12T17:23:00.000-05:00

Falling up by shel silverstein

i tripped on my shoelace
 and i fell up
 up to the rooftops
 up over the town
 up past the treetops
 up where the colors
 blend into the sounds
 but it got me so dizzy
 when i looked around
 that i got sick to my stomach
 and i threw down

i found this silly poem by one of jaeda and my favorite authors and i laughed! it kinda reminded me of the sensation that i am feeling in life right now. falling up is an amazing thing to think about--all poetical in a world of prose. but scary and shocking if it really happened. i think i would probably get sick and "throw down" too:) but it reminds me of the things that i ask God for. a more God centered life, a Godly husband, strength, love...it all sounds so pretty and poetical...but when God actually starts to answer these prayers in His way (trials) instead of my way (poofs) it impedes upon my comfort zone and i just want it all to go away. and all that i long for is the "norm". . . the non-poetical, "prosy, norm.

in the midst of all my falling up--a sober kind of happiness is settling over my soul. it is always in the midst of great loss and change that i find great gain. funny, that's what He's always promised ...

i have never felt more alive. i have never felt more comfortable in my own skin. i have never felt so small--yet so loved. there is a freedom i've discovered in this place of loss that has given me the overwhelming sense of being found. it's so contradictory, it's so opposite of everything i've ever known...it seems as foreign to me as if things just began to fall up instead of down.

If your first concern is to look after yourself, you'll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you'll find both yourself and me. matt 10:39

i feel like he has slowly turned my world upside down, and in all the craziness and flailing around for something to hold onto i have for the first time clung to him and found myself.

friends

2006-07-07T09:52:00.000-05:00

slowly learning how to
"love the friend more than the friendship".
although this phrase used to make me shrug my shoulders a bit-- it's now making more and more sense. as i struggle to love my friends without valueing their relationships more than God and i's--i keep coming back to this puzzling statment. i have found things to be so different in attempting to make this phrase true in my life. in the light of this advice, passive words and actions can be no more. if i truely love my friends more than i love their friendship there is so much honesty that i've been cheating them out of. so many nudges back in the direction of our Father that i've been choosing to forgo.

authenticity is a dangerous thing. dangerous or not, there is no one i would rather be authentic with than these friends in my small group that i have grown to love as brothers and sisters but... honest words seem to die on my tongue in the face of hurt feelings or chaotic reactions. i know this is how Jesus loved His friends--and i am supposed to aspire to be like Him--but i am not Him and it is so hard to know...just so hard to know how to love someone else with no thought of self. just so hard to jump into things in this fashion. so dangerous.

walking in the ever present danger of this calling to love others more than myself is an anxious place for me right now. i am walking there--only out of sheer obedience. but i have yet to grasp the trust peice in this process. kinda like "i'll do it because you said so but...i don't know what's going to happen..." as if the God of the universe doesn't already have it covered. . .

loving God and loving others--more than myself. guess that's what it all comes back to.

looks easy--lives hard.

what a beautiful mess i'm in

2006-07-03T09:59:00.000-05:00

well it feels as if i've lost it all. just like He tells me to. when do i get to start the finding part of this process???

last weekend God has shook the ground that i am so accustom to walking on and created a beautiful mess of a life for me to live. a mess that takes friends, community and eric off the pedestal and leaves room only for Him. oh but He is a jealous God!!! oh but His lessons are not easy to learn! but oh how He must love to have me right where i am...grasping, clawing at something to hold onto--something to sustain me when everything has already given away under the weight of life.

when i stand back and look at the chaos He has created, it is amazing and breathtaking how everything fell right into place and i am so ignorantly self centered to think that there is something that i could have done to stop it. He knew what i would do and why i would do it. He knew that i needed to take a closer look at this particular ugly shortcoming of mine. He knew just the time to do it and prepared in each heart the way to make it happen for His glory.

in this beautiful mess of His there is rhyme and reason. there is a whole bunch of lives that all met at one tumultuious crossroads and there was one unforgettable crash that we all survived and sustained much damage--that only our Creator can fix.

pride goes before a fall. as roy says, 'you can't fill a glass that's already full.' i couldn't describe it any better than that. we were all pretty full. pretty happy. pretty okay without trusting God for our next step. we all thought that we had it under control. oh how He emptied us out that night. but oh the beauty in beholding how perfectly all the stories came together to be touched so differently by the same night.

He is amazing that He can create artistry in calamity. beauty in chaos. what an author! what a God! what a crossroads! what a life...

all that aside. what do i do now?

even the seasons whisper

2006-06-15T09:30:00.000-05:00

how amazing to have a relationship with the God of the universe. so great that even the seasons whisper of Him.

the sweet scent of summer representing the good times--the pool days--the times of sun and laughter of the spirit. the blessings--the times of peace.

and then of course nessesity brings with it the bitter burnt breath of fall. causing everything to die so tragically. a chaotic symphony of death, which includes everything working together to perfectly create unimaginable hues of reds and oranges where there was once nothing but brilliant green. change. always change.

then the cold lessons of winter set in--leaving us forever changed...yet looking so bleak and desperate. so much so that we think spring is a far away dream and winter is a never ending nightmare. but even in winter there is some scope for the imagination. for He reminds us He's still there in the ever so delicate snow fall.

then finally the fresh breath of spring. spring exibiting the strength of the Master in lightening and thunder. waking all things from winter slumber. spring representing the resurrection of our Savior and our souls. the beautiful rebirth of spring! starting everything over again. making everything new and soft and clean. remaking us. releiving us. rewarding us. because He is good.

what an amazing God -- that allows everything on earth to die, only so He can bring it back again. stronger, taller, and more beautiful next spring. the seasons are a testement to His brand of redemption.
after seeing 24 springs i beleive that He can and will bring everything back to life-- nothing is too far gone for Him...

the middle

2006-06-08T08:33:00.000-05:00

The Middle
-jimmy eat world

Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle, of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.
Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.

i keep playing this song over and over and over and over...louder and louder...hoping that somehow the words will become a part of me...a part of me and this crazy journey i'm on to find me...to be the me that God made me to be...

this whole being in the middle thing---whew! it sucks! but if i'm in the middle there must be an end that includes the middle all making sense one day...one day. one hopeful day.

things have been really hard lately...hard to live...to breathe...and yet hopeful...that there really is something more to this life than how i am living now. there really is more. this isn't it! now that--is hopeful.

i am in the middle of two lexi's right now. right in the naked middle. behind me lies a lexi that i would never go back to being--a Christ-less, joy-less, hard, self protective, lonely lexi. i look back at her with pity. deep inside i know i would never go back--but the saftey of her walls beckons me and all i want to do is find a bit of shade from the scorching heat of God's healing light.

so here i stand looking back at her and looking forward to a lexi who's only safety is in Christ. who is covered by something far greater and stronger than her own meager self-protection. but trusting Him...trusting Him seems an impossibility.

so here i am in the middle. probably the most painful place to be. if i took a step in either direction i would recieve some kind of shelter from the elements of life. but i can't move. i'm frozen in fear and shame. too scared to go back to the empty life i once lived and too ashamed to move any closer to the living God. i know it takes time. i know He is turing up the heat to force me to fall forward in exhaustion...but my knuckles are white as i'm concentrating on holding on for dear life right now...or at least that is my excuse--for now.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything everything will be alright.
alright.

warning: hesitant driver

2006-06-02T16:16:00.000-05:00

"it's like driving with the brakes on,
it's like swimming with your boots on,
it's hard to say you love someone,
and it's hard to say you don't..."
--delametri

free

2006-05-30T15:14:00.000-05:00

my world is literally 3 lies to every truth. my world needs a little more honesty in it. my world would be oh so much simpler with a little more honesty in it. why then is it so hard for me to break the smooth cycle and stir up a little chaos with my honesty? we all need a little chaos. growth requires a chaos of sorts.

i hate the everyday lies i tell-- spoken and unspoken. i hate scrambling for pleasant pretending words in an uncomfortable situation. how much easier would it be just to be honest? okay well maybe not easier in the moment but definately easier in the long run. our lives were made to be lived authentically that is why i am writing these words because true honesty is a deep longing inside of me. true honesty. much different than manipulating honesty. which comes across as just another self protective measure. i can do manipulating honesty. boy can i! when i want to hurt someone with "honesty", when i want to save a few dollars or get a free meal. i can do that kind of honesty. and that rude, self-serving honesty is what i used to think that true honesty was. but now i know that there is this different honesty. this honesty that the bible claims has the power to set one free. this honesty is Christ centered. not lexi centered. so Chrsit-centered that i have to take even my comfort out of the equation to achieve it.

why do i, as a Christ follower have an even harder time being honest than i did before meeting Him? there are so many "christian" lies that i tell on a regular basis. not just the "how are you's", " i am fine's" either. it's more than that. it is "yes i am listening to your whoe is me tale". yes of course i am listening because Christ would listen. am i listening inside? of course not. so i lie. in order to be more christian, you understand...

a little honesty would go a long way in my life. in so many situations. with so many people. what would Jesus have me say in those situations that i convince myself to lie in His name? and then what would Jesus say to me? i don't think He'd be proud...that's for sure. but why do i do it?

i have to thank a dear friend for pointing out my christian dishonesty. the words of isaiah come to mind when i think of all this...

When we proudly display our righteous deeds, we find they are but filthy rags.

disgusting. filthy. rags. that is what my most righteous moments are. my good deeds are full of selfish motives, often peace centered and not Christ centered. ha! it's funny i was looking for a picture to post that was "pretty" filthy rags... artistic filthy rags. but then i laughed out loud at the irony of it all... and then posted some really "filthy" filthy rags. i swear i can smell them from here!

so i think i'm going to challenge myself to be honest. pure honesty for 2 weeks. and see how simple honesty changes my life. . . i so long to be free. free of the things i'm supposed to say... He says the truth sets you free. so here goes...

the chair

2006-05-23T08:21:00.000-05:00

Get out of the chair…
& the wrestling will become a dance
--theuprising

this guy that writes the uprising never ceases to challenge me with his words. had to post this one. just had to so i would never forget it. so i could never forget to remember to get my butt out of the boat and walk on water! so i could never forget to remember when fear keeps me in the chair--that it is not of God. . . but is of the other. what would my life look like if...

wrinkled thoughts...

2006-05-21T17:00:00.000-05:00

"shame is the outcome of a failure in trust. trust is a giving of our soul to another with the hope that we will not be harmfully used. such trust invests in another the power to determine whether or not we are acceptable and desirable. shame is experienced before the one i've entitled or given the right to judge me. ultimately, that is the perrogative of God alone. to give that privilege--in essence, the opportunity to bestow or retract life--to anyone other than God is idolatry."

--dr. dan allender

wow...what a thought. what a completly heavy, wrinkled and possibly life changing thought.

what if? what if i chose to give God the gavel that's belonged to Him all along? what if my life was lived in trust...complete and utter trust of God and no other? to think that this whole shame thing. that heavy, unbreathable, anxious feeling that rules my every action in the avoidance of it, is totally optional? what if the only place shame had in my life was to point me to the one who could erase it?

so many wrinkled and crinkled up thoughts in my head. my mind is beginning to resemble the sorry state of my bedroom right now. piles of half sorted wrinkled thoughts everywhere--stashed in this corner or that. under the bed or in the closet floor. i really intend to sort through it all--as soon as i have time. but time never taps me on the shoulder and begs to be had...so i continue daily with the urgent, completely ignoring the important. the important peices of thoughts and dreams i've left crumpled in the corner of my recollection to deal with on another day... this enitre idea being one of the politely discarded items. i just need to take some time to pick them all up and iron them out...

imagine...

2006-05-08T09:07:00.000-05:00

"My view of Christianity is such that I think no man can consistantly profess it without throwing the whole weight of his being against this monstrous system of injustice that lies at the foundation of all our society; and, if need be, sacrificing himself in the battle. That is, I mean that I could not be with a great many enlightened and Christian people who did no such thing; and I confess that the apathy of religious people on this subject, their want of perception of wrongs that filled me with horror, have engendered in me more scepticism than any other thing."

--Augustine St. Clair in Harriet Beecher Stowe's Uncle Tom's Cabin.

interesting in the light of the great number of those that profess to be Christians and never "throw" their whole beings against injustice. who are we? that we are content to remain safe in our nation's borders and watch the injustice that happens across the world, across the border and across the street? who do we think we are? the light of the world? the salt of the earth? or the very contibutors to the disbelief that we speak so vehemently against? Christian Americans should be a force to be rekoned with in this dark world. but satan has us snared in his nets of safety, self centeredness and entitlement. when will we wake up to hear that we may be doing more damage than good in claiming to follow Jesus and then instead crazily pursue the "good life".

imagine what the world would be like if we christians did throw our whole beings into it--into Him. the worst that could happen is that we would lose ourselves in the battle. imagine if we all beleived there was something bigger than us. oh wait we do. imagine if we actually lived what we beleive. imagine. just imagine.

come as you are...

2006-05-04T12:04:00.000-05:00

so the invitation said come as you are--but we all know no one really means that, right? so i'm dressed to the hilt. this is an event like no other. i accepted the invitation and here i am--sitting with a feast before me. i'm talkin' linen tablecloth, expensive china, polished silver kind of feast. there is only one thing served at this table--although it's always prepared a different way--so the sweet taste is always savored and could never be considered mundane.

Grace is served at this table.

my Father sits at the head of the table and laughs at my dressy attire but none the less invites me to "eat up". i know He has worked hard to provide this outlandish meal. i know He has sacrificed so much, just so i can sit here--at His table. my soul growls in need and i long to obey it's murmurings and yet...i decide to ignore my hunger pains and take only a few morsels of the faith sustaining substance onto my plate.

i want to be polite. i don't want to need it. i want somehow to be above it. i don't want to take too much. don't want to over-indulge. i am a bit embarrassed by my need. after all i just want to be a polite little christian. i don't want to dig in and behave like the grace starved slob that i really am--that i used to be anyway. i mean what would my Father think? what would those sitting at this table around me think?

as i push the grace around on my plate i find myself embarrassed to be partaking of the meal at all. i seem to think there is some holiness in not having to take much grace here--although He is always trying to tell me otherwise. hey, besides--i'm not quite sure which fork to use anyway. as i awkwardly spoon the meager contents of my plate into my mouth-- my soul hungers for so much more. this all brings back flashbacks of the first time i ate in front of my jr. high boyfriend. so embarrassing, so uncomfortable. yet here i am--with a feast of the only thing that will feed my soul set before me. and yet... and yet... i can't bring myself to enjoy it. there is shame in my need. there is guilt in my soul's satisfaction. i so don't want to take any more...and yet--i crave it. my life needs it to go on. and i look up into my Father's questioning face and attempt to lie to the all-knowing one saying,

"no thanks, i couldn't possibly take any more..."

my lie leaves my insides begging to remember how to humble myself and consume all i need. the sweet aroma of forgivness is too much for me to handle. i can almost taste the mercy to be had at the all-you-can-eat buffet that i originally considered this feast upon first invitation. back in the beginning. back when i attended this party in rags. back when i accepted His gift out of despreate need. as i recollect, in the beginning it wasn't half as difficult to accept His grace--maybe because i was facing the reality of starvation.

why is it any different now?

do i think i've earned this now?
that as a seasoned Christ follower i should be immune to it all?
above it all?
yes, yes and yes. that is exactly it.

come as you are? ha! i can do better than that...

combustication

2006-04-28T13:09:00.000-05:00

A decade ago, I never thought I would be
At twenty-three on the verge of spontaneous combustion,
Woe is me
But I guess that it comes with the territory
An omnious landscape of never-ending calamity
I need you to hear, I need you to see
That I have had all I can take and
Exploding seems like a definite possibility to me

so pardon me while i burst...

Pardon me -- by incubus

things just seem so crazy/out of control. i'm on an informational overload, an emotional overload plus i have all these crazy self constructed walls falling down all around me! it's all so much...it's all too much...sometimes i feel like there is too much "stuff" to fit in this body.
my skin feels like it's stretched tight across all the stuff that i keep in.
and it's not that it's new stuff. it's stuff that's always been there--but in this season of my life i am becoming so keenly aware of it all...of the dissappiontments...of the masks...and of the gradual dissapearance of the girl that God created...little by little until what you see today is all that's left of her.

as i am mourning my losses--taking the first step toward healing--i feel naked. i feel like i am walking through life with no make-up on. you know the feeling. you don't really want to look anyone in the eyes and then--no doubt--you run into just the person that you fear running into the most--someone (dressed impeccably) who has caught you with out your make-up on several times recently and is beginning to make silent assumptions of how you live your life. assumptions that you want to kick and scream against. but the ironic thing is, it's the true assumptions that we have such an abhorance to. the ones that are innaccurate are laughable. it's only the assumptions that are too close for comfort, that i stubbornly resist.

assumptions like she is falling apart. assumptions like she has no idea what she is doing in life. assumptions like she is weak. assumptions like she is needy. she is lacking. she is hurt. she is not much underneath that facade...

as i walk around in life-- actually feeling for the first time--i am a new person every day. He re-makes me everyday. every sunrise marks the renewal of His grace. of my grace. every morning i wake up just that much closer to the lexi that He knew i was all along. the lexi that doesn't have to tell herself who to be but the lexi that knows she is loved and just "is". it's His grace that makes all this change possible. it is His grace that helps me invite people in--people that have been standing at my door and knocking for a long time...His grace sustains me and is slowly becoming all i need--or want.

but...the feelings...oh the feelings. it is a completely foreign concept to me to let myself--
my feelings
--be hurt and not get instantly angry or offensive. it is as foreign to me as never having seen fire and one day finding myself drawn to the mysterious substance and then--getting burnt. my automatic reaction is panic,

"what the h--- is this!?!"

the second reaction is tears...lots and lots of tears.
tears that come from far away places. places that make the "combusting" seem preferable to going there...

but in all of this there is hope. a deep and cool blue hope. a hope that make the flames seem temporary. that make the bursting seem worthwhile. because one day soon it will be extinguished. one day soon that luminous blue hope will settle all around me to stay. no longer will it be beautiful in the distance but it will be glorious all around. and that urges me to continue on this journey of healing...on this journey toward God...and me. toward God and me...

so stars burst--right?

and that's the only reason we can even see them.
without the bursting their beauty would be impossible to behold.

so perhaps i am a star...
who would never be seen without all the bursting...

so pardon me while i burst--into flames.

so much more...

2006-04-20T20:40:00.000-05:00

john 12:24 the truth is, a kernel of wheat must be planted in the soil. unless it dies it will be alone – a single seed. but its death will produce many new kernels – a plentiful harvest of new lives.

although i know this is my aim, i fight it with all i'm worth. it doesn't make sense and it does...it really doesn't...and then it so does...i'll keep going back and forth like this...and until i figure out which voice i'll follow. for now i will keep floating on the wind, aimlessly, like a dandelion seed that can't decide if she wants to fall...and die...and produce so much more...

self protection

2006-04-19T13:35:00.000-05:00

"...sometimes you can hurt yourself more by trying to keep yourself from being hurt..." --redeeming love by francine rivers

haven't blogged or journaled or talked to God in too long. haven't blogged because i'm scared of what people would think, haven't journaled because i'm scared of what i will think, and i haven't prayed because i'm scared of what God will think. that leaves me here. in this really weird place. so hurt, that i am content enough to sit here and lick my wounds, defending off further harm,
than truly
live.

and it doesn't make sense, and it does. . .

trust

2006-04-06T15:51:00.000-05:00

"when we fail to trust the real God, we do not escape trusting someone or something. trust, like breathing, and indeed, like worship, is inevitable. it is not that some people trust, some worship , some breathe, and others do not. we cannot fail to trust God without turning our trust to something that becomes a new god for us..."--dan b. allender

these words stop me in my tracks and make me question if or when i have really trusted God in my life--or if i've trusted me more, or church more, or eric more, or...the list goes on and on.

the truth is-- i don't really trust God, day in day out, moment by moment. i trust me...and God...and that combination doesn't really work...because i end up interupting God in the middle of a sentence or answering before He speaks. making Him into whatever i want Him to be or need Him to be or whatever is easiest for me...

trusting God is my biggest struggle right now...and trusting the right god. as i do my best impression of someone waiting on God i find myself questioning if i know God at all?

who is it am i trying to trust, anyway?

i am thirsty for an answer to this question. not the easy answer either, not the one that i've memorized or learned in sunday school but a God and lexi face to face answer. a relational, real, meaningful answer...not that those answers we all memorized wern't relational and real but they were relational and real for someone else and i am deeply committed not to rush to any conclusion to this question but to search, and yearn and

except the ticket that Jesus gave me that is good for one life of earthshaking face to face encounters with God Himself!!!
this is better than front row seats, this is backstage passes!!!

until now i think i've been too content and a little scared to actually KNOW Him. . .scared that if i ever got too close that He would rearrange my whole world!!! while i'm still a little scared of this i am faced with this trust matter every where i look--and if i am to trust someone--really trust them--i must truly know them...and here i am.

the waiting game

2006-03-30T23:28:00.000-05:00

i feel like God is waiting to see if i am waiting . if He just flooded in with answers and guidence right now, i would not have changed, i would not have learned to wait and trust without the answers, and without a road map for the future...

...i want to be different before i do anything different. so i'm waiting for God and God is waiting for me to see if i am really waiting for Him and not just wanting things from Him. and as God and i eyeball each other in this way, i feel good. i feel alive and engaged with what matters and i'm going to win this waiting game with God.

--pete greig in red moon rising

vulnerbility

2006-03-29T11:12:00.000-05:00

"Ring the bells that still can ring, forget your perfect offering,
there is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in".
--leonard cohen

running...

2006-03-28T12:09:00.000-05:00

hanging by a moment--lifehouse

desperate for changing
starving for truth
closer to where i started
in chasing after you

i'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all i've held onto
i'm standing here until you make me move
i'm hanging by a moment here with you

forgeting all i'm lacking
completely incomplete
i'll take your invitation
you take all of me

i'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all i've held onto
i'm standing here until you make me move
i'm hanging by a moment here with you

i'm living for the only thing i know
i'm running and not quite sure where to go
i don't know what i'm diving into
i'm hanging by a moment here with you

there's nothing else to lose
there's nothing else to find
there's nothing in the world
that could change my mind
there is nothing else
there is nothing else
there is nothing else

desperate for changing
starving for truth
i'm closer to where i started
in chasing after you

just hanging by a moment here with you

one of my favorite songs ever. exactly where i'm at today--

"running and not quite sure where to go".

listening...

2006-03-27T16:01:00.000-05:00

my journey has halted as i listen and pray listen and pray...all the while becoming less and less satisfied with just living and desperately want to lose my life for Him....don't know how, don't know what that looks like, but have a "feeling" that He is calling me to do something with 24-7. don't know...don't need to know...just need to listen...listen...listen and then i read...

God Bee Good Honey + a believing multitude say " God, be good to me & forgive my sins" - but - the disciple says "God, be good to me, be good through me, forgive my sins & eradicate my sins".

while the one side first says "to me be the better" - the other first says "to God be the glory".

while one says, "i am just a mere man" - the other, acknowledging weakness, goes on to say "i am the light of the world...an emissary of change".

the many see that there are many commands - the disciples see only two.

the believing multitude live in the light of God's love while largely living for themselves - the disciples live in the light of God's love while largely living for Christ ...& those for whom he died.

one group knows Jesus as the way - the others, know him as their life.

while most believers live seeking first to better their lives with God's help - disciples live seeking first to lose their lives for God's sake...

and that makes all the difference. the uprising

speak! i am listening. . .

eyes of the hurricane

2006-03-24T20:19:00.000-05:00

my friend rita

2006-03-24T19:00:00.000-05:00

i was having lunch at the relief tent in new orleans last saturday--beginning to grow calloused to the people and their stories--when she walked into my life and asked for the chair across from me. me and two of my crossings kiddos welcomed her and her husband to sit and eat with us. we were eating something like chef boyardee ravioli with rotel in it. i was trying to cough it down--feeling spoiled and guilty for wanting mcdonald's instead until she started talking. . .

telling story after story, full of nice people, kind hearts and helpful 'african americans' :) she was from a different place--a different time. a place and time i would pay to go if there were more people like her there.

they were elderly, the two of them. i'm guessing mid 80's. her voice was high and fragile as she spoke to us about her long life and beautiful marriage. her face was full of sweet smiles, her eyes full of tears as she told us her katrina story. as she recounted all the places that she and her husband tony stayed since the hurricane, i decided she was the love of my life. she was a vision, that little rita--all of 4 foot 9, watery blue eyes, soft box dyed red hair. she was the kind of grandmother that i read about in storybooks...and just the kind of woman to pause her all important engagment story to ask her husband of 60 years which kind of chips he prefers...and his soul, matching hers perfectly, begs her to choose...

i was under her spell in no time. i felt like i had always known her--always loved her.

as me and tony--her husband--began to talk, i discovered i liked him just as well. although he didn't have near as many stories to tell, he listened to all of hers with such commitment--as if it were the first time he had heard her speak of the subject.

as rita and tony told us their stories we listened authentic interest. rita has a way of capturing your soul in the first 5 minutes and everything she says from there on out is of particular interest because you love her and want to know her and help her...and you just want to listen so well that maybe she will love you like all the other kind and generous people in her stories.

after lunching with rita and tony--kyle, morgan and i had the urge to do something for them. because we knew their life story now, we knew that their house had already been gutted and they were on their way to sweep it out. we could not let the two of them do such a thing so we voluteered to help. rita started crying at our suggestion, therefore so did we...even kyle...a 16 year old cool kid. after awhile kyle was begging rita not to cry because that would mean he would have to also...

we followed rita and tony to their home of 39 years. they never had any children but rita said they'd love to adopt all of us young people that restored her hope in the upcoming generation. she was amazingly sweet and wonderful and charming and...

we got the grand tour through their once beautiful double door brick home. as we stared silently at the bare rafters and concrete floors that once was their home it was easy to imagine rita baking in the kitchen and tony reading the paper in the den. it was unspeakably sad to see them, know them, and concieve of their loss.

the three of us young folks swept out their house in 2 hours. a job that would have easily taken them 6 or more. it was funny. i think we felt privilidged to be a part of their lives. felt priviledged to be in the presence of rita, no matter what we were doing.

we waved goodbye to the two of them, after pictures hugs and many tears on rita's part. kyle hugged her and told her that he had no idea he was going to come to new orleans and fall in love with a little old lady...rita just smiled that sweet smile of hers and hugged him extra tight. i said goodbye as if i had known her my whole life and in a way i have...she is who i've always wanted to be.

so the two of them loaded up in their buick, windows down and waving as she yelled,

"save some sweeping for me!"

so she was in the car and came back the house for no particular reason except for me to say, "rita, i wish i had a grandma just like you..." to which she responded, "if i had a grandaughter i wish you were she."

i cried.

i want to be rita one day.

i want my life to be so full of Christ's light that no one can meet me without

feeling loved--

being loved--

knowing love.

grace

2006-03-23T16:18:00.000-05:00

the word grace rings in my head since returning from nola. this song sings my thoughts...

only grace--matt west

there is no guilt here
there is no shame
no pointing fingers
there is no blame
what happened yesterday
has dissappeared

there's only grace
there's only love
there's only mercy and beleiving it's enough
your sins are gone
without a trace
there's nothing left now
there's only grace

your starting over now
under God's Son
your stepping forward now
a new life has begun
your new life has begun

there's only grace
there's only love
there's only mercy and beleiving it's enough
your sins are gone
without a trace
there's nothing left now
there's only grace

and if you should fall again
get back up
get back up
reach aout and take my hand
get back up
get back up
get back up again

there's only grace
there's only love
there's only mercy and beleive me it's enough
your sins are gone
without a trace
and there's nothing left now
there's only grace

leaving new orleans

2006-03-22T09:53:00.000-05:00

you can't expierience the power of God without risking something of yourself in the process...--john fisher

faith packed my bags and i headed south to NOLA for four nights and five days. we took 14 kids and 8 adults. aside from these simple logistics, everything else that happened on this trip is unexplainable...there are no words...but i'll waste some anyway...

upon leaving new orleans i have this God flurry in my soul. this ache of excitment that just won't go away. God is moving--God is working.

He wants to continue this risk taking, weakness leading, God-dependent adventure

right here in liberty MO. he doesn't want me to leave new orleans behind--He wants me to take a part of what happened last week with me always. He wants my new orleans expirience to change me forever. He is pushing and prodding me to make this movement bigger than just this last week. He wants my life to be a mission trip. He wants the lives around me to subscribe to this passion and i can't explain it i can only feel it...

if i could list the things i learned this week...if i could only show you the faces of the people that taught me so much. the names of those that God used to challenge me. the obstacles that He overcame while i simply watched. the obedience that took the place of my emotions. if i could only tell you these things and somehow you get "it". but i can't...

each of us must embark on our own risk taking, Christ honoring, flesh weak adventure.

i can feel this deep stirring inside me...and yet i know

this kind of movement cannot be passed on by mouth, it is only contagious by life.

if somehow i can pass on this passion not by mere words but by my life than
God is honored.

and that's all i want anymore. . . for God to be honored.

i have come that they might have life and that they might have it more abundantly--jesus

i now know what He means by life abundantly--and upon leaving NOLA i refuse to live any other way.

faith packed bags

2006-03-15T09:27:00.000-05:00

less than five minutes after that last post i got the phone call i needed to secure our accomodations in new orleans... isn't HE amazing? later last night we secured transportation. God knew what was going to happen the whole time...why should i be surprised?!?

we are going to NOLA!!!

faith shoulda packed my bags days ago.

someday soon i won't need a phone call to tell me that God has already provided... He has provided in front of me and behind me--i just need to learn to walk somewhere in the middle...

the waiting place

2006-03-14T10:59:00.000-05:00

i feel like i am in "the waiting place".

i've been here a bunch of times, i'm sure you have too. most of the time when i find myself here i am far too agitated to take the time to look around. today i find myself sitting on a pile of lost and forsaken things--i've been here for days, waiting for my ticket to be called. this time i know and trust that may name is coming up sometime soon. instead of wasting my time sending annoyed glances at the receptionist here, i've decided to try something new. somehow in the all the waiting and staying i've found hope enough to dig through the rubbish around me (something that is rarely done here) and i've found a bit of truth that i've never seen here before. although i don't know how...

here it is. take it for what it's worth. in this place it means everything--i'm not sure of it's value on the outside but ...

i actually know the One that is calling the tickets here in the waiting place...and it definetly helps that He calls me daughter. it helps that i know He has my best in mind. usually when i am here i am angry and impatient, too much so to see the graffiti on the walls around that says,

It is impossible for that man to despair who remembers that his Helper is omnipotent. -- Jeremy Taylor

i think i get that....finally. and i think i am actually beginning to beleive it. could it be?

waiting has never been something i'm good at. as a matter of fact if i could only use five words to describe myself one of them would be impatient!!!

but regardless God has me in this wonderful waiting place today...and yesterday...and the day before... waiting for the signal that this new orleans trip is really supposed to happen...because all signs are currently pointing in the other direction.

i am waiting along with 21 others for

transportation...

&

accommodations...

both of which we once had and then...didn't.

this trip has been planned for sometime now. vans donated and checked out, people called and reservations made. and it's like in the past few days everything has crumbled. the church van won't make the trip. my tent city contact won't call me back with secure information on our accomodations.

it's funny, in the midst of it all--trying to make new plans, secure different cars, go through a different charity operation, while taking care of my sick baby neice...i've found peace. i think normally i would be a wreck right now. i think normally this project would belong to me, be a reflection of me...and not God. well this time it's just different...

this time i know He is not only behind this but in front and on the side and in the midst of it all...and i can rest in that.

i can find peace in that.

one ordinary day

2006-03-09T17:38:00.000-05:00

money, money, money.

i hate money.

hate that it has such a hold on my world. my loved ones. and me.

money has been a little tight lately. and everyone knows when money is tight you think about it more.

i am one of the richest people in the world--because i live in the US and own a car--(well pay on a car) and it isn't enough. it would be enough if i looked a little closer at my needs vs. my material american wants, but i walk through target (my equivalent of veggietales stuffmart) and AHHHHHHH i want one of everything! i can rationalize that i need one of everything. until i think about how i just bought my child more spring clothes than some kids own in their life.

psalm4:6-8
why is everyone hungry for more?
"more, more," they say.
"more, more".
i have God's more than enough,
more joy in one ordinary day,
then they get in all of their shopping sprees.
at day's end i'm ready for sound sleep.
for you God,
have put my life back together.

i only wish my life reflected this prayer.

let me be reminded of His more than enough which is more important than a bigger house or an american dream accomplished or all the money in the world.

i want to have one of david's "ordinary days" full of joy. i want to live one ordinary life full of joy simply because He put it all back together.

the height of my imperfection

2006-03-06T16:25:00.000-05:00

take me away--lifehouse

this time--
all i want is you--
there is no one else--
who can take your place.

this time--
you burn me with your eyes--
you see past all the lies--
you take it all away.

i've seen it all and it's never enough--
it keeps leaving me with you.

take me away--
take me away--
i've got nothing left to say--
just take me away.

i try--
to make my way to you--
i still have fears so large--
i don't know what to say and do.

i've seen it all--
and it's never enough--
it keeps leaving me needing you.

take me away--
take me away--
i've got nothing left to say--
just take me away.

don't give up on me yet--
don't forget--
who i am.

i know i'm not there yet--
but don't let me say here alone.

this time--
all i want is you--
there is no one else--
who can take your place.

i've seen enough and it's never enough--
it keeps leaving me needing you.

take me away--
take me away--
i've got nothing left to say--
just take me away.

music always finds it's way to the core of my struggles. helping me take steps toward the softness that i need to change--to grow.

music, art, and poetry.

there is something about these three that speaks to the soul. it is no accident that so much of the Bible, God's autobiography, includes these things. our hearts don't speak in formulas or step by step programs. our hearts speak in song, in beauty and in naked words. God knows that--because He made us this way.

this particular song reminds me of so many of david's tunes in psalms. it's is a desperate cry for God's presence. for His mercy. for His wholeness.

lately life has been a struggle. as it always is when one is attemting to be a follower of Christ instead of just a listener.

i have questioned--i have cried--and it all comes back to me trying it all and it not being enough, leaving me to need Him all the more.

turning the Father in the midst of the storm is such a relief. such a relief. His love, His grace, His strength, just takes me away. away from the hurt--away from the pain. it's awesome to actually miss Him. long for Him even. for His welcoming arms to just...

hold me in the height of my imperfection.

galaxies wide

2006-03-01T11:38:00.000-05:00

my love for you hasn't grown cold
by bethany dillon

You shake your head
What is so hard to believe?
When you are in your bed
I sing over you the sweetest things

Because oh,
my love does not tire
I'm awake when the moon is full
And I know the times
when you feel lost
And you just aren't sure

Lo and behold
My love hasn't grown cold
For you

You could steal away in the middle of the night
And hide in the light of day
While you cloak yourself in the darkest lies

But oh my love,
it swims in the deepest oceans of fear
and as soon as you lower your head
i am here

Lo and behold
My love hasn't grown cold
For you

If only you could see
How heaven stills when you speak
I know all your days
And I have wrapped you in mystery

And oh, my love for you
Is as wide as the galaxies
Just hold out your hand
and close your eyes
And come be with me

Lo and behold
My love hasn't grown cold
For you

i have been searching my whole life long, to be loved like this.
to be loved like my Father loves me. someone to sing over me as i sleep. someone who loves me no matter where i hide or what i do. all i have to do is close my eyes and i am in His presence. in the presence of the one that love me galaxies wide... i have so many thoughts that stream from this one truth.

the first of which is i don't deserve this kind of love. my heart is warmed at the thought of actually having a Father who thinks of me this way. my Father is someone i can brag on, someone i can walk with and someone i can rest in. i don't have to impress Him. He loves me for me. if i could rest in that daily and put down all the things i inwardly and outwardly cling to for strength...

the second thought is in direct conflict to the former. although i say i don't deserve His love there must be some part of me that beleives that i do deserve it. deep down i think i beleive that me and those i love deserve His love. me, mandy, eric, lynz, jaeda, mom, ky, vannah, jason, sara, joey, shayla, brian, shanna, rhonda, joel....

because the part where this thought starts to get complicated is when i think about people like the incredibly lost and annoying partylight consultant lisa that i met this weekend.

God's love for her never grows cold.

and this is the one that i am particularly baffled by. this lady was incredible. it was like she was from a different country. she was totally and completely unlovable. but presicely the kind of person that Jesus would have talked to if He were here today. and as she stood in my best friend's livingroom fighting with her daughter in front of perfect stangers that were supposed to be her customers there was not another thought in my mind beside--this poor woman needs jesus.

maybe a little more obviously than most of us but not any more desperately.

God, my Father, loves this woman. He sings over her in her sleep. He also loves her galaxies wide. and this is truly baffling to me. if i truly beleived that i was as undeserving of His love as the next lost person i think i would have much more sympathy for the lisa's in my life.

i must come to terms with the fact that He loves the unlovable, and i am very much one of them.

this song is beautiful and meloncholy and thought provoking. thanks for the recommandation sara!

i hope . . .

2006-02-28T11:23:00.000-05:00

Hope     by Emily Dickenson

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land, And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

I'm getting ready to go on a trip to louisianna to work with katrina relief efforts. . .from what i understand, things down there are terrible beyond my imagination. the other day i watched oprah's special on St. Bernard's Parish, which is where we will be serving, and it seemed

hopeless.

so i guess that's what has brought hope to mind this morning. what is it? how does one pass it on to the hopeless? how do these amazing folks in new orleans still have some left?

i am naively "hoping" that me and 19 others, teens and adults, can bring some of this rare commodity down to those in great need.

if hope is a thing with feathers--tell me emily, how do i catch it and bring it to sing for others?

mirror in the sky

2006-02-23T09:55:00.000-05:00

sometimes when i walk by a mirror--i'm suprised by the quick reflection i find there and spend the next few minutes, looking, fixing and examining myself.

sometimes i'll find an expression there, i've never seen.

sometimes i will find a person there that i no longer recognize.

but it never fails that my curiousity bids me to take that second look. to see who i am and what i look like to others. so many times i think if i didn't own a mirror i could so easily talk myself into being someone else. but everytime i look in the mirror,

i am reminded of who i am, where i come from and where i am going.

sometimes i feel that God is a great mirror in the sky. without Him i would have such a skewed identity. never having an divine reality to compare my personal reality to would leave me to be a stagnant sick mess of a person.

sometimes i catch a glimpse of myself in His divine mirror and i grimace.

then i examine my reflection.

and then i change.

other times i just wince and look away.

i want to learn to do the former far more than the later. i want to go over and above just examining my imperfections and actually see what He sees when He looks at me...

we talk so often about having a healthy body image well i'm all for a healthy heart image.

i long to look at my reflection and see what He sees...

which is a daughter--lost, broken and calling for help. when He looks at me He sees beauty unlike any other. beauty that is unimaginable to me, a war torn refugee.

where i see failure, He sees victory. where i see weakness, He sees strength.

i think the point of this life isn't just to see my imperfections and fix them. it is to eventually see me as He sees me and operate as the child of the King.

He sees me like i've never dared to see me before.

i long for a glimpse into this mirror... if i could get the cloudy reflection of my ragged, tattered war torn self out and replace it with His view of me--which is a picture of grace and everything lovely--i think i could begin to function as that person. as His heir.

as the me i am supposed to see.

as the me i am supposed to be.