carousel

i'm probably going to be overly dramatic and meloncholy in this post-- just a fair warning. . .

so i think i'm a carrier for a very serious and expensive condition. don't be worried, it hasn't hurt anyone but me yet. it seems like everyone i know (or come in contact with) is pregnant! so i've decided that there is no other conclusion to draw beside this! i am attempting to make humorous a serious struggle of mine. i'm not sure if it's working. . .

so eric and i have been trying since may 2004 to make another baby. although the trying is always fun :) the lack of a second dickens baby has been a bit disheartening. because i grew up with three sisters, all of us a year and a half apart, i'd always planned to have my babies fairly close together in order to give them the kind of bond that only years of fighting and arguing can create :) well jaeda's almost 4 now and still no baby. i can't tell you how tough this has been on us. it doen't seem fair that jaeda was dropped in our lives in such an untimely fashion and now that the timing seems right, we can't seem to concieve. the year long battle over this issue has been a silent one. God has not only witheld a baby from eric and i, but He's chosen to bless everyone around us with a bunch of the squirmy little things! therefore it's been hard to share my struggles with any of my close friends . . . in fear that they'll feel that i'm not abundantly happy for their blessings.

i feel as if i'm reminded of my empty arms every day. like today i watched little abby hubbard. she's a little angel baby. i hardly heard a peep from her all day! only three months old and just perfect manners :) i was so excited to have some baby time but i think it just made me even sadder when she had to go! i so wish i had one of my own. then lynz called to say that she went to her 36 week appt and is already dialated to a 2! this baby's about ready to come out! when the perry baby is here i think it's going to be hard to handle. watching lynz do what we talked about doing together for so long. i'm so so happy for them, especially after their loss and the scare that they expirienced earlier in this pregnancy, but i have these guilty jealousy pangs. . . not that it should be me instead of my dear friend lynz, but that i'm missing out on the fun and only want to share it! it is never my intention to take away the joy of each little baby that's brought into my life.

trust me, i know what you're thinking . . . i should be happy with the one child that i have, right? maybe that's what i'll tell the next person who asks me when i'm going to give jaeda a little brother or sister. that i am happy with the one i have. . . i don't know. this is really, really pathetic, but also really, really, real. i guess i am tired of acting like it's all okay. okay that my timing isn't God's timing. okay that i may never again feel the first flutters of life in my belly. okay that i'll never get a newborn laid on my chest post delivery. okay that i'll never get a baby shower or recieve excited reactions to the words, "i'm pregnant". i'm tired of acting like that's all fine and okay with me! for a moment i'd just like to say how it's not okay. how it hurts. how it's puzzling to me. is that okay?

i feel like this last year i've been on a carousel of emotions regarding this topic. i've felt sad, angry, lonely, frustrated, resolved, patient, content and even indifferent. but the thing is, the longer i am on this carousel the dizzier i get--i get so disoriented that i don't even know how i feel anymore. somedays i'm okay with it, trying ever so hard to trust that God has my best in mind and then other days i just long for a positive pregnancy test. i really wouldn't know how to sympethize with someone in my same situation because with the abscence of a child comes not just one emotion but like i said--a spinning carousel of them.