goliath dreams

today's bible reading plan has goliath dreams echoing in my head.

the story of david and goliath. this story has been told told and over told and yet it was new to me this afternoon. sometimes these Bible stories can loose their awe inspiring nature when they've been adopted by our culture as a tall tale or myth. today i read it and absorbed the unbelievability of it all. david had some kinda faith!!! the kinda faith that could change the world. the kind of faith that God loves. the kind of faith that honors Him for who He is. in my daily life i trust God with about as much as i trust my one year old. you know...i give Him the little things. i disrespect Him by not asking Him to come through--to behead my goliaths. He was the giant killer. not david. but david asked and walked toward a ten foot tall giant in faith. david brought his gifts, and let God use them. He could have asked and God could have just killed Him on the spot--but david offered himself to be used by God--with his little sling and 5 stones. He was prepared and yet soooooo unbelievably unequipped. yet he brought what He had and trusted, without a doubt that God would do the rest. i don't know about you but where i come from this kinda faith is not only non existant but is laughed at--even by those that "know" God. David calls Him God-Alive...is He that in my life?...do i want Him to be?....hmmmmm.

and that unbelievable story lead straight into another. the new testement spoke of jesus' birth and the dreams that lead the way. dream after dream it was that God worked through. a dream that took the wise men another way home, a dream that lead joseph away from bethleham in the dark, a dream that brought them out of egypt and a dream that brought them to nazereth. dream after dream...does that mean He works in my dreams? dreams while i sleep and dreams while i'm awake? dreams like making a difference, dreams like getting away. dreams like not raising my kids in man made safety? dreams like teaching them to trust in Him? dreams like really putting the most important things first? dreams like the kind that everyone laughs at. dreams like the kind that i barely consider? my dreams? is He saying that works in those? dreaming is something i do. every night and every day. is He saying He works that way. does He want my dreams?

the spirit keeps whispering "goliath dreams" in my ear. goliath dreams, goliath dreams, goliath dreams--the dreams that would take a david faith to make reality. i can't get it out of my head. so i'm attempting to turn up the volume of Him and turn down the volume of the normal voices in my head--laughing at david faith, laughing at dreams. i'm trying to believe. believe in a God that doesn't make sense. believe in a God that HAS SHOWN me the miracle of His counter intuitive ways. He says give it all to me and you'll get it all back--that and then some...i see proof of that all over my life and yet still don't know that i believe in golaith dreams...

expensive grace?

i've been thinking about grace lately. how much it costs SOMEONE. i got there by thinking about how much it cost me....and that took me quickly to how much it must cost God to give His grace to me...and then it took me to easter. and how much it cost Him on that cross. my sin cost Him His Son. my sin cost Him hurt and pain that makes my cost look minuscule. pennies to his billions. embarrassing all the sudden--that i'm counting my cost...the hurt that it takes to stay, when His cost is infinitely more than mine.

this song is all about my hurt. and it's alot. but His is more...when i think about my hurt...i think about His...i hope i never forget this lesson...

Between The Lines by sara barreilles

Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way
Cause i cant continue pretending to choose
The opposite sides on which we fall
The loving you laters if at all
No right minds could wrong be this many times

My memory is cruel
Im queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails
Until now, he told me her name
It sounded familiar in a way
I could have sworn i'd heard him say it ten thousand times
If only i had been listening

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always between the lines
Between the lines

I thought i thought i was ready to bleed
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all
Too late two choices to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He'd already left with the other
So i've learned to listen through silence

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me always be
You and me always be

I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on
Wait for me i'm almost ready
When he meant let go

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always be
You and me
Always between the lines

help

i am a mess. still--six months later.

i feel the expectation of having to have things together...and while things are looking more and more hopeful i am still a mess. i've gotten in the habit lately of not seeing a way out of a situation and asking for God's help. simple right? the God thing often is. simple yet hard to do. hard to stop--in my emotion and in my rights and in my mess and cry for help. cry for a way out. cry for guidance or for Him to walk with me down the narrow path of dying to myself.

so far i'm not sure this is worth it. just being honest. i'm not sure staying was altogether the thing for me to do. soooo much hurt. sooo much WORK! and there are glimpses of hope...of joy even. but the hurt and hard work are everyday companions. the joy and hope are here and there and never stay longer than a moment.

right now i'm wrestling with the idea that marriage is altogether different than i thought it was. i thought there was a safety in marriage. only to find out there is no such thing. i thought idealistic and impossible things of marriage--ideas that i don't wanna part with...and don't know how to.

i'm seeing way too much of myself in this marriage. way too much crap. i thought i was lovable--in some enchanting and beautiful way. deep down i thought that. for that to be refuted. wow. it rocks my world.

moments like that is when i must call for His help. and He comes. and He helps. but too often i don't ask for help and i try to do it on my own and i can't...

here's a song that found me today...always a song...

FAithful
by brooke fraser

There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
i wave my arms' round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what i long for


When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear everyword I pray
And i want you more than i want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful

All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
i still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So i whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tounge,
knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me


Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want

wanna get away?

i do. i wanna get away--that is. just anywhere but here seems like a good idea right now. eric and i are talking about drastic changes to life as we know it. not just like cutting the cable but moving, selling stuff, cutting back and making room for things we choose instead of things we chose when we were still unsure of what we wanted. so in the midst of all this dreaming and scheming sometimes my feet come off the ground and silly things seem possible. but wait--maybe they are.

this song sings of my silly delusions...

sell all my things--rosie thomas

In a little while I'll feel better
Gonna travel around the world
Gonna see it all

Gonna go to Paris, maybe Rome
But I'll feel better miles away from home,
Gotta figure some things out

So sell all my things, I'm not coming home
There's nothing there to keep me there
Just heartache and panic and worries and things that'll bring me down
My head feels much clearer being here

In a little while I'll feel better
Gonna spill my heart to every stranger in every town
I'll visit castles in Ireland, have some fella play the violin and play a song for me

So sell all my things, I'm not coming home
There's nothing there to keep me there
Just heartache and panic and worries and things that'll bring me down
My head feels much clearer being here

never been hurt

this is my goal...my dream. what i hope for--why i keep walking and pushing and asking and crying and maybe one day--one day God will be big enough for me to do this to everyone i know. everyone that has been hurt before...


never been hurt--sara melson

One day i didn’t have a care
Except my picture in the mirror and the color of my hair
I sang along to records about tomorrow
Now my hands are worn, my clothes are torn
A few of my dreams have been met with scorn
And i don’t have too much time left to borrow

But still i’m gonna love you like i’ve never been hurt before
Love you like i’ve never been hurt before
Love you like i’ve never been hurt,
Wanna start all over and know what it’s worth
Love you like i’ve never been hurt before

Your stubborn independence
Reminds me of myself
It doesn’t make a lot of sense
It isn’t very good for health
I know you want to be alone
But i sure like talking on the phone
And i’ve finally left my carry-on bag behind me

Yeah i’m going to love you like i’ve never been hurt before
Love you like i’ve never been hurt before
Love you like i’ve never been hurt
We can start all over and know what it’s worth
I’m gonna love you like i’ve never been hurt before

holy?

i've heard it said that song writers are our modern day poets and so often God uses their words to grip my heart. so today another song that caught me off guard and slammed into my life. i love this band and their lyrics and their music. standing in the shadow of His mercy and huge-ness i feel smaller than ever. this song says that for me at a time when my words are too tiny to squeak out.

what do i know of holy? addison road

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were might to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

(CHORUS 2)
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life it's name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

my sunrise

i first heard of the affair late at night...couldn't sleep and i woke and discovered something he couldn't deny. i didn't sleep all night. all night. we stayed up talking. and crying. and mourning. and then i went for a drive. i decided to drive east--towards the sunrise. at that point i thought it was over--our 14 year relationship...and i wanted to see the sunrise as a sign of hope. the sun didn't rise that morning. i drove and drove through the rain and the sun never came up...it was too stormy. over the last few months--in trying to peice our relationship back together...sunrises have obviously been very symbolic to me. i've stumbled across a few verses along the way...

Malachi--But for you, sunrise! The sun of righteousness will dawn on those who honor my name, healing radiating from its wings. You will be bursting with energy, like colts frisky and frolicking.

psalms--Hallelujah! Blessed man, blessed woman, who fear God, Who cherish and relish his commandments, Their children robust on the earth, And the homes of the upright—how blessed! Their houses brim with wealth And a generosity that never runs dry. Sunrise breaks through the darkness for good people— God's grace and mercy and justice!

isaiah--"Get out of bed, Jerusalem! Wake up. Put your face in the sunlight. God's bright glory has risen for you. The whole earth is wrapped in darkness, all people sunk in deep darkness, But God rises on you, his sunrise glory breaks over you.

today i saw my sunrise. in the midst of looking at my own need of grace and forgiveness His hope grew so big in me that i craved forgiveness--both His and giving some of my own...to eric and to everyone else that has ever wronged me and i've held onto. wow. and then i stumbled over this verse. new to me...

luke says--"Through the heartfelt mercies of our God, God's Sunrise will break in upon us, Shining on those in the darkness, those sitting in the shadow of death, Then showing us the way, one foot at a time, down the path of peace"

something about that one foot in front of the other that seems hopeful and possible and peace--whew! that sounds so worth it!!! today i was supposed to get sooooo much done. but instead i was inturrupted with higher things...and for once i put aside the task and listened to the spirit. don't know how my stuff's gonna get done but i am ever so grateful for his timely provision of a sunrise to my soul that's been far too familiar with midnight. oh! and then, just a few minutes ago a song...this song came on pandora...never heard it before and it made me sob. how dare i doubt Him!!!

sunrise by nichole nordeman

If I had the chance
To go back again
Take a different road, bear a lighter load
Tell an easy story

I would walk away
With my yesterdays
And I would not trade what is broken for beauty only

Every valley
Every bitter chill
Made me ready to climb back up the hill
And find that . . .

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?

You're my horizon
You're the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise

There's a moment when
Faith caves in
There's a time when every soul is certain God is gone

But every shadow is evidence of sun
And every tomorrow holds out hope for us
For every one of us

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?

You're my horizon
You're the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise

You alone will shine
You alone can resurrect this heart of mine

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?

You're my horizon
You're the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise

You are sunrise


so i forgave eric today. and i hope to forgive him every day for the rest of my life. as well as everyone else that has hurt me along the way--ohhhh i've so held onto it all. i'm excited to see how this changes me. i already feel so supernaturally free--i'm hoping to hold onto that feeling!!!!

so i don't know what this means. i am soooo outta control in this--and i think that's where i'm supposed to be:) but for the first time in my life forgivness enters the scene--i don't really know what happens next...stay tuned...

summer breeze

this song could be called lexi's self protection--it is so dead on for what goes on in my heart...but the thing is. i miss that summer breeze and i think i want to shed this skin...for the first time in a long time.

summer breeze by kris delmhorst

Once you've been bitten
You get a little bit shy
Start looking round for anyplace that you can hide
Once you've been naked
You get a thick thick skin
Build it up layer by layer and you climb on in

And then you're wrapped up oh so tightly
That I don't think you feel a thing
No sting of snowflakes, no kiss of angel's wings
And maybe you don't need that skin anymore
Maybe if you took it off you would not have to breathe
Maybe air would just flow in and out of you as it pleased

Look at all the heaviness
And the weight in this world
Put an old lady backbone in a little baby girl
Left no room for no lover
Left no time for no friend
Just a little voice saying never never never again

But if there's no such thing as safety
And if there ain't no guarantee
Maybe the coast is just as clear as it is ever gonna be
And maybe you don't need that skin anymore
Maybe if you took it off you would not even have to breathe
Maybe air would just flow in and out of you as it pleased

Like a summer breeze
Don't you want to feel the breeze
Don't you want to feel it now
Sweet summer breeze

this flailing feeling...

i can't speak for myself anymore. it's like all my words gang up against me and i can't describe what goes on in my heart. maybe because i don't know what's going on in there...it is oh so frustrating! but music--as always is the voice i don't have. i found this song.

curious by holly brooke

Someone tell me what to do
I feel like i must be a fool
For ending up right back at the start
The things that we don't comprehend
Are laughing at my mind again
I think that i think too hard
And i don't give enough credit to my heart

I'm so
Damn curious to know
And there are too
Many unanswered questions
That we hold onto

I've put my theories to the test
You know i've tried to do my best
But maybe we weren't meant to strike gold
Sometimes things that you ignore
Are all the things i'm looking for
Will i learn to let go
Give into love and listen to my soul

I'm so
Damn curious to know
And there are too
Many unanswered questions
That we hold onto

i feel like i'm in a place where i just can't move. the questions keep coming. the curiousity just kills me! too many things unanswered. too many things i'll never get--that break my heart. and my heart is in serious condition...my heart is just as stubborn as ever. can't move toward God, can't move away. can't move toward eric, can't move away...

and i ask eric to tell me who i am--and he doesn't and then i spin out of control--like today. i can hardly keep my hands off the phone to call him for the 5th time to ask him if he loves me. and he has all the right answers but it's not enough.

this hurts. i feel kind of flailing. like a fish out of water.

and i don't know why i'm writing this. probably just to get it out. but i would give almost anything to releive this flailing feeling...almost.

simplicity meets complexity

so, big step forward.

yup. i know finally, right?!?

last night my husband was being very patient with me--answering questions and talking about the stuff going on inside of me and i started rememebering the details of the night i found out about the affair. thus far, i've unconciously only remembered the more powerful details. my asking ball busting questions and all my hot divorcee talk. anyway. i remembered the part, the small part, right after he told me the truth and my life fell apart and for the first time i thought, in the core of me, that i couldn't do life without him. but in my head, staying didn't make sense--because i couldn't. but in that moment leaving didn't make sense either. and for the first time grace fit perfectly! grace was the solution. and what a discovery it was. it wasn't so much me extending it--as we've talked so much about. it was more about me discovering that it was an option, the perfect option.

but grace was only the option when my life didn't make sense anymore. sad--but true. it wasn't grace, period. it was grace because...because i needed it. i've recieved grace but never given it. and in that moment God introduced grace to both eric and i. He needed to learn about grace--how to recive it. and i needed to learn about grace--as in how to give it. so it was a mutual discovery. and that feels...better. better than where i've been in the last few weeks.

while this hurts more than i'm made to bear--the truth in the discovery of grace in that night propels me forward into hope. hope that His supernatural creation...GRACE. JESUS. could change everything. because i am not capable. so not capable. but He is and the great question is , will i let Him????


ahhh it's so simple but how how how to make it real is the trickiest thing ever. how to invite all this simplicity into my life when my heart is so bent toward complexity????

hope that makes any sense at all--and then again. why should it matter if it makes sense to me?

lightening

most of the time the hurt is a cloud. hovering over me and my little world. most of the time it's foggy...it's confusing. sometimes it's puffy clouds--not hard to look at...sometimes the fog is thick and smothering...and way too easy to get lost in and sometimes...sometimes there is a lightening bolt. a lightening bolt of pain straight to my heart. i hear a song, or think of a moment when i was ignorantly secure in my world while the other half of me was being whisked away by something much more exciting. i think of a time when i was lovingly trying to move toward him and all he did was pull back into the safety he created with one that wasn't me. i think of a time when i know i was ugly and demanding and frustrated. and he thought. " this is why i'm doing it." those are the lightening bolts. and although i hear the distant thunder the lightening always catches me off guard on a tuesday afternoon.

this process is definitely two steps forward and 5 steps back. this process is enough to tire the strongest of hearts. this process is something else. something totally other than what i ever expected. people say it all the time, it's definitely harder to stay after being betrayed. people say it in the tritest of ways but underneath the overuse, it's brilliantly true. in a tough moment all i wanna say is uncle. UNCLE okay?!? i give up! it's not worth it! hhhhhhh.

when the lightening hits it's the best time to get some clarity. if you can stand the pain. all of the sudden everything around you that's usually dark or cloudy is suddenly illuminated and if you can--you can see way more--if you dare to look. the first few lightening bolts hit and i ducked and covered myself in protection. now i think i'm peeking--a little. and what i see isn't pretty. what i see is powerless. what i see is so much that needs to be looked and ... given to God and well quite frankly i'm waiting around for a sunny day to do that. and there is no sun in the forecast. for a long long time...

will i get over it?

over and over i replay the details. trying to get more power. a leg up. trying to feel bigger--in the know. the details punch me in the stomach and take my breath....what a betrayal. so i ask more questions--which he fumbles to answer. God has transformed him in such a short time--his heart is soft and welcoming but i can't enter into it--knowing that he is capable of much damage. so i ask until there is nothing left to wonder and then i am left with my own thoughts.

why? where? what was it like? what was i doing when...so i ask another meaningless question and another and another... lights on or off? how many times? did you hold hands? as if in the answer to some random question i would find peace--but instead i find more chaos. more and more chaos. more and more hurt...more and more confusion. and i wander if he's telling the truth. and i try to poke holes in his answers. and i try to make a case for closing my heart. so i ask more questions and get more restless answers. he's trying so hard. and i am unmoved. i don't trust it. the change. who knows if it's real? certainly not me. i was sleeping next to him most nights, we were sharing meals and tickling kids--and all the while i had no idea. no idea what he was capable of. no idea what my life was really about. i feel like such a fool. i feel like i should have known. i feel like i never want to do that again. and then there is God.

God.

whew. i hear his voice. "oh how He loves us". he's putting this pulse of forgiveness in my head. bringing random things right in front of my face saying, "choose me". His way is unsafe and all out. His way is...love. and trust and forgiveness and i don't know how to live that and and so scared of that way. too scared to move.

will i ever get over this? will it ever be gone? or will it be a black mark on my life for the rest of my life? can i get over it? should i have stayed in the first place? can HE be enough? can i open myself up again? can i jump off the cliff of forgiveness into the pool of grace? i'm standing on the ledge i just need a strong wind or a great big push...

screaming a whisper

another day on the path of healing. if i could just look at the path in front of me instead of behind. if i could just ....

i can't remember the last time in my life hurt was so daily present. i don't know how to live like this. i feel like i'm on mute. like everything is going on around me and i am hesitant, i am quiet, i am awkwardly going about my life minus something crucial. nothing makes sense without whatever it is i'm missing but i can't get it back. and i feel far from my Father. and i feel like my heart is hard--to hard to beg Him back, but wanting Him to come and find me. and i feel like i'm self protecting all over again. and i feel like it's all too much. because it is. too much for me. i feel a bit hopeless. i feel like shuting down and hiding in.

it's like a dream. when you want out of a bad situation and your scream comes out a whisper. and you try your voice again and no one hears you. i'm screaming a whisper. once again. that powerless feeling. agh.

so i'm caught in this place of ambivilence. nothing looking good in either direction. toward God looks like work. away from God looks hopeless. so i stay here and wait for Him to find me.

another song to whisper for me...

what i wouldn't give by holly brook
Feeling like I can't forgive,
but I want to
it's like I don't know how to live,
I’m afraid to
I used to think take them as they come,
without hesitations,
no now it's like my head is filled with lies, and persuasions
as the sun begins to fall I hear her calling out to me she's sayin' hurry it's one more day gone

what I wouldn't give
just to forget
so I can remember how to live again
I wanna live again

I am feeling dissonant, and distracted
the toxic chemicals are spilling in my head
and they're bleeding deadly reactions
and as the moon begins to rise he shows me all the colors that I’m hiding
I’m hiding myself

what I wouldn't give just to forget
what I wouldn't give to get some rest
so I can remember how to live again
I wanna live again

am I desperately losing this fight
when I should really be choosing my flight
take me now

what I wouldn't give just to forget
what I wouldn't give to get some rest
so I can remember how to live again
I wanna live again
what I wouldn't give just to forget
what I wouldn't give to get some rest
what I wouldn't give just to forget
so I can remember how to live

another day in the life

so confused about marriage.  about love.  what is it?  how does it work??? 
i have done it all wrong...that's all i know.  but i don't know how to do it all
right!  whew.  all new rules and boundaries and expectations and separation. 
i don't get it and it feels dangerous and i feel unsafe and yet free?  hmmm. 
it doesn't make any sense.  loving is a bit like flying.  DON"T LOOK DOWN! 
every time i start thinking, "what the hell am i doing?  giving up my secrets? 
tearing down my walls in order to reach out to this other person?"  that's me
looking down, and in that moment it is all too much.  i don't know.  don't know
what love is or how to do it "right".  and if right means feeling like i'm falling
outta the sky all the time--eek!  that sucks!   so hear we go.  another day in the
life of someone trying to give His love away.  tentitively...

yet another song...speaking for me.

guess it may by rosie thomas

I’m still learning what love is
Everyday I wake up in your arms
I’m still trying to figure out what works
How to set off all your alarms

I’m still learning what love is
When I’m walking close to you
The best way to hold your hand in mine
The best way to comfort you

Guess it may
Guess it may
Guess it may
Guess it may
It may always be this way

I’m still learning what love is
Every time you look at me that way
I’m still trying to figure out just how
You can still look at me the same

Guess it may
Guess it may
Guess it may
Guess it may
It may always be this way

Even though I may not get it right
All the time I will always try
And I will always stand right by your side

I’m still learning what love is
Everyday I wake up in your arms
I’m still trying to figure out what works

Guess it may
Guess it may
Guess it may
Guess it may
Guess it may
Guess it may
It may always be this way

have you seen me lately?

so showing grace in this situation...it was no less a miracle than me walking on water. if that is true then it is also true that this miracle can only happen when my eyes are on Him...just like peter. the moment i take my eyes off Him i start to sink...and spin...and question...and demand...and then it's over. whew! but that is hard to do. i want to medicate this ache. i want to grow bigger than this small me. i want to say i don't deserve this and i can't do this and to hell with this--it was a crazy idea anyway! and in moments i do. but strangely it doesn't help. it just hurts more. so.

keeping my eyes on Him. trusting Him to help me walk on water...or show grace and forgiveness in the face of the ultimate betrayal.

it's like i don't know who i am...it feels like my heart used to be a carefully gated area. a perfectly defined and safe place. now...now i am a blob. an ever changing, uncontrollable, undefined, mystery of a soul. and it feels like a mess because my reactions are not my own. i second guess, no! quadruple guess everything i do. it's so frustrating! and scary and undefined and i am living with a different me than i am used to. a softer smaller one. and i don't know who i am...it's scary. asking Him to tell me who i should be. i know who i want me to be! big and strong and no nonesense...capable and decisive...in control...but i'm not that anymore...and don't know if i ever will be again....

hhhhhhhh.

as always, my heart speaks through music. and this is what song my soul sings...

Have you seen me lately by keri noble --- BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL!!!!

Have you seen me lately?
Can you tell me what you see in me?
Have you seen me lately?
All i see is what i used to be...

It's eleven-thirty i don't have the time
To come before you now.
Yeah-i know it's been awhile
But i'm just to tired now.
Please don't be too angry didn't you hear--
Me mention you last week?
I'm just worn out.
Why can't you let me sleep?
(have you seen me lately)

have you seen me lately?
can you tell me what you see?
have you seen me lately?
all i see is what i used to be...

Found myself in conversation--
Trying to convince me what you're about.
I don't know why but i couldn't get it out.
Met an old friend yesterday who
Told me how my love inspired her to
Love like i love you.
(have you seen me lately)

What has happened to my fire?
The way you were my every desire?
My God, i never meant to be this!
Father hold me i can't see myself!!!

have you seen me lately?
can you tell me what you see in me?
have you seen me lately?
all i see is what i used to see...
what i used to be...

Turn the phone off, throw the TV out!
It's time to get it right and
i will stare at myself Even if it takes all night.
What could i have thought i could give you?
In my grip?
you're a God of power
if I take my eyes off you
i will surely slip!

have you seen me lately?
can you tell me what you see in me?
have you seen me lately?
all i see is what i used to be...

make me over

my God is making me over. and it hurts--oh it hurts. but it heals. it's scraping off the scab to take out the infection. only His skilled hands can do the hurting and healing all at the same time. and i find myself crying out to him. leaning on Him. holding onto Him. until i feel peace and love and freedom. He is the only Good. He is the only Strength. He is the only Trustable. the only Loving. and knowing that to be true. i give it all. all the peices of me i love and long to hold onto. the broken little scraps of strength i've peiced together over the years. all the little shards of independence and sense of self i've accumulated in this life. i meekly offer. and say, "change me--make me yours." i am oh so small--this version of me. smaller than is comfortable--so once again i must lean on Him for every step...every moment. and He loves it that way. it's the most uncomforable wonderful place i've ever been.

He is my Creator.

imagine.

letting Him tell you who you are...and who you aren't.

the above picture is of nagisaki. the city in japan we dropped the atom bomb on during world war 2. there was damage that was nessesary for the world's good in that situation. how tragic. what a desision to have to make. so glad it wasn't mine. i feel like everyday i wake up with the damage done to me that was nessesary for my greater good. i am free today. freer than i've ever been. wow. too bad this was the only way to get me here. too bad there is so much fallout to deal with. but He is big enough...


Make Me Over by lifehouse Wrap my arms Around your name Feel your breath Against my pain As i breathe out the past is gone Empty smile Naked heart Who I Was Falls apart When you're here inside of me Feel till you're numb Depth perception becoming The new deaf & dumb I'm losing myself just to find a place in your mind In your mind Changing myself just to stand along in your eyes In your eyes... pull me in Take me out Make me over Read the wave Ride your fears In this ocean of years We've been here, swimming on Take me deep Till I find Every corner of your mind We've been here, swimming on Touch till you taste All the time we are wasting Alone, waiting here I'm losing myself just to find a place in your mind In your mind Changing myself just to stand Alone in your eyes Your eyes... Pull me in Take me out Make me over and shout me out loud Shout me out loud

He is enough!

God is big enough. God is strong enough. God is graceful enough, forgiving enough--for anything we face.

but somewhere in our little tiny grasshopper hearts we think we are big enough. we think others are strong enough. we don't need His grace or His forgiveness. we are doing "fine". fine is such a lackluster word to use to describe this life. do i really want to be fine? or do i want to be amazing! do i want to be as high as the eagles in flight and as beautiful as the sunset on the ocean? He holds the keys to a life that looks like that. but it also looks like a long hard trek, a narrow road to get there, but when you are there--He holds you. and that is enough.

He is big enough. He is strong enough--graceful enough, forgiving enough. and that--all the sudden, is enough. enough to make today look like the best day ever! enough to make tomorrow a breeze. enough to make life look like a symphony of amazing/horrible/shocking events all keeping perfect time, in order to make a beautiful noise to lift to Him.

when He is all that matters everything else looks dim. i know that pain causes this kind of eternal vision just for a moment in time. i am enjoying my moment in the Father's arms and don't wanna go anywhere soon. i know i probably will. but i don't wanna hear about it. don't warn me about it or really even talk about it. i'm on a honeymoon of sorts:) who tells a newlywed--"you just wait, troubles are coming your way..."? deep in my heart--i know. but just let me have this. this blissful moment with my Father.

He is carrying me--and right now i don't care where He takes me--and it feels so FREE.

first september

I've been gone for awhile. I'm back today, on this dawn-less morning. I've been driving toward the daylight for the past hour and it's too stormy, the sun is just not coming up. i know He holds me today. He's holding me up while my heart is ---WOW! so fucking broken. but He is my Father, my Abba, my Daddy. I've never really had one of those. but i hear they know how to make it all okay again. that's what I'm waiting for...whatever it looks like. seriously. deep breath...

meanwhile in my sorrow, i hunted down a poem i wrote in the 10th grade that seems oh so fitting to today. behold my youthful wisdom!!!

First September

Wind whistles a solemn melody,
a lullaby to an aching heart.
sun smiles down apologetically,
forcing stormy clouds apart.

Here I sit in memories,
as faded golden autumn leaves,
fall gently to the ground,
scarcely making a sound,
yet thundering in my head,
as seasons change with dread.

September sees me hurting,
still he sides with the sun.
But both the wind and august know,
my grieving can't be done.

September senses his significance,
he knows i come bereft.
i just wish he'd allow me cry
as August and I wept.

September knows no feeling,
as he harshly strips the trees.
try as he might I won't allow
him to take away my leaves.

September staunchly offers numbness,
to replace tenderness for my soul.
It seems September's confining grasp,
may never let me go.

Though leaves now rustle all around me,
with winds' song whispering in my ear;
i might get through this first September,
to contend with the rest of the year.

i don't know about the rest of the year. but here is to today. His grace is new every morning...

my savior

how dare i forget who the Savior in the story is.

but sometimes i do...and i think it's me. or you.

or my husband. or my father. or my friend.

how dare i get that confused...

more than meets the eye...

i read these words today and the Bible once again came alive like no other book can...

2 corinthians 4:16-18

So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever.

there is something about the perspective offered here that speaks straight to my soul. there is a picture painted here for me. a picture of me reading these words in this book and everything temporal around me "melting away". until i am no longer sitting at a table, with a pen and journal and the bible-- within the walls of my kitchen, in my little house, inside my city, within the borders of my great country. this perspective melts everything down until my picture includes only me, a great great God, the Bible, all the other people on this earth, and grass and sky...grass and sky...grass and sky. so much of it that my eye can follow the line where these two meet all the way around me in one great big glorious circle! i can see myself spinning around and around and never seeing anything but grass and sky. oh, the freedom that must live there--in that place of perspective! nothing there but me and other human beings, and how i've loved them and then this big big God that loves us all. nothing else matters. nothing else touches me.

this is how He wants me to live. this is how i long to live. but how in the world can i live with this perspective? it all sounds kind of artsy or sci-fi. the things that we can see aren't going to matter but there's so much we don't see that will mean everything. it's crystal clear to me right now and i just wonder how to put hands and feet on it and carry it into my life. into my family. into my city. into my great country. all the while being immune to the resistance i am sure to face when things that are usually given weight in this world--float away from me.

if i live in this place of grass and sky and God and others and me and love--who will i become? i won't look like many around me. i won't have the same things, the same kind of house or clothes. i won't watch the same shows or get the same jokes. this kind of freedom allures me, intrigues me, seduces me...and yet i am scared of the looks i will get, the eyebrows that will raise in my direction.

i am too scared of those things i can see that are supposed to mean nothing. too scared of those to go after those things i can't see that are supposed to mean everything...

metaphor?

this boy baby of mine is awe inspiring. i love this kid. we get to hang out while jae is at kindergarten. we play while we should clean. we sing when we should return phone calls. and we nap while we should be laundering all the things we get dirty in one day:) but it's awesome. and i wouldn't trade it for a thing!

yesterday i was feeding him spaghetti and bananas for lunch and while i was feeding him he was practicing his raspberries, spitting things out and just generally being a baby boy. so then we were done and i was cleaning things up and trying to figure out if his mess required a bath or if i could get away with just using a roll or two of papertowels:) when he reached up for me from his high chair--with his grubby little hands and an oh so messy smile.

are you kidding me? i couldn't help myself. i swung him up into a sqeeze and said, "i don't even care if you are a mess. i just wanna hold jah!"

as i said those words that Spirit whispered,

"that's how I feel about you".

wow.

i think there might be a metaphor here.

unpaid tickets...

my day yesterday was a disaster. a mess of a sunday that could have been easily avoided!

ever have an unpaid speeding ticket? those pesky little things. maybe it's just eric and i in our irresponsibility that think if you forget about it they will too! well we learned yet another lesson the hard way this weekend. eric got pulled over on the way to church sunday morning and the officer "discovered" a speeding ticket that was on his record from 2003! five years old! but that made no difference to the cop who made us go the long way to take care of it. oh, you can't even imagine the whirlwind of a day we had--bailing him out! it was funny and tedious and really ridiculous actually. ridiculous that we didn't just take care of it way back when!

so in a not so round about way eric's unpaid ticket made me think about my spiritual journey...

i ask myself every day why i take the hard way in my spiritual life. looking inward at my shortcomings, examining my motives and weighing them against His. why don't i just go to church like so many others--i mean that's enough right? why do i ask myself the hard questions about how i react to people i don't like...and what in the world Jesus has to say about that. why why why? what is the point of all?

well my little rendezvous with the law yesterday reminded me why...

things in my life that i leave undone--whether they are complex buried emotions or an unsettled argument--a nagging memory or a thought that is just too much--these things always come back up--and so much worse! i think if i forget about how my white lie hurt me and those around me--He will forget too. i think that if i choose to dismiss those i hurt with my "innocent" gossip--He will too. i think if i just don't think about "it"--the looming scary ugly things i think and feel in my heart--that "it" will all disappear.

but no. that is not how He works. just like an unpaid speeding ticket--it comes back up at the worst time--He brings it back up at the most unexpected and inopportune time and with a solution so much more complex than if i just would have looked at it and dealt with it in the first place!!!

great reminder! one unnecessarily spoiled sunday. two little girls shocked faces in the back seat. 3 ridiculous hours spent handcuffed to a cold, hard, bench!

so... new year's resolution #87. deal with things as they come. everyday. unpack the day with His help. with His words of wisdom. with His love there to hold my hand along the way.

take the hard way now to avoid the long way later...

ME, MY, I

criticize by creating.--Michelangelo

so--creating. that is something i am good at. or at least something i am passionate about anyway. if only i could transfer this concept from words to actions. i am good at seeing problems but slothly slow about making the changes necessary in me and around me to accomplish the good that i see in my head. in my marriage. in kidzone at church. in the groups that i am currently a part of and the ones that don't yet exist. in the relationships around me and in our world.

why is it i can see it so clearly and feel so strongly and do nothing? why is it that i won't let Him in to do the work for me? what is it stubborn soul? that you are stiving toward? although you exist inside of me-- i don't understand.

i guess down deep in my heart where things begin to get a bit gritty and grimy--where there exists nothing but my depravity--for i have not yet let Christ see this dark place, is the truth. and the truth is i want someone else to create these things for me. i want to be the receiver of these creations--not the creator. i want to be the reciever of love in my marriage--that is withering due to my stubborn selfishness. i want to be the observer of something amazing that happens for the kids in my church--not carry it creatively on my back. i want to continue to have a safe place to share--not create one for everyone else. i want to be a part of a mom's group, not the responsible leader. i want to benefit from a wounded hearts group not fight tooth and nail for the brave hearts that are reading the book and fighting to regain their lives. i want to complain about the rich--and how they should help the poor--not recognize i am one of the wealthy and step up to the responsibility that comes with it. i want to rail against the corruption in government and politics without joining hands to make a change.

in the dark depravity that is me...a dim light shines. it's the holy spirit. unveiling. sneaking in where He isn't welcome and moving things around. blowing the dust of my filthy selfishness and self centeredness. whew! as the dust flies i wonder what He thinks of all this. i wonder what He'll do. i wonder-- if it is ugly to me who knows sin--what does it look like to Him who can't stand it?


help me get out of the way, God of the angel armies!
make a way for me to become smallest and you to become largest.

if only...

this song found me today...out of the blue. it was like a God hug.

leaving 99 by audio adrenaline

I'm lost and broken, all alone on this road
The wheels keep turnin', but the feelin' is gone
When I fear I'm on my own
You remind me I am not alone
When You said


I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
For you alone
I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you

It's dark and lonely and the path is unclear
Can't move my feet because I'm frozen in fear
Then you say, "My child, my child -
I am always here, I'm by your side"

I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
For you alone
I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you

You're never too far down
I promise you'll be found
I'll reach into the mud and mirely clay
Pursue you to the end
Like a faithful friend
Nothing in this world can keep me away

I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
For you alone
I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you

i've been away from the blogging world for way too long. so much has happened. i am so blessed. and i am so undeserving. if i could only get how much He loves me. if only.

how He sees me...

a while back lynz shared that she longed for an image of herself before God. an image of who she really is...in order to get her mind around how she breaks the heart of God.

this image idea has been bumping around in my head. i've wondered lately what i must look like to God. and much like her i had come up with nothing.

until last night.

yesterday afternoon i was journaling a bit and asked God to help me understand two things. the whole whiter-than-snow-forgiveness-piece and the childlike faith thing. both of which are ever so elusive ideas in my life. i think i get them and then all my comprehension of them is gone and i am once again at square one. and square one is pretty much where i've been living lately.

last night at the building we engaged in some great corporate worship and during one of the songs i got an incredible visual.

i was in the middle of a puddle of mud--or muck. as i looked down at my limbs they were covered with the sticky black tar like substance. i was alone. so very alone. i was on my knees--stuck in this position endlessly it seemed. i was too dirty to be close to God. He was big and white and clean standing over me. i would try to get closer to Him and fail. try to inch closer to Him and simply get sucked back into the muck that covered me.

until...

until He picked me up like a newborn. effortlessly. i had been struggling, struggling, struggling to stand to my feet in this gunky hell. to get out! it was as if the mud that i was covered in was as strong as a bungee cord--pulling me back in, pulling me back in. what i had been trying to do for so long on my own He did in a second...and with no struggle. He picked me up and held me close and tight and strong. i had been alone for so long that His presence stirred something in me. filled something in me. but i was still ashamed of the dirt caked all over my body.

until...

until He washed me. again, like a newborn. i just lay there helpless as He painstakingly washed my body, inch by inch. this part wasn't so effortless on His part. this was tedious. but He did it with all the love and gentleness that i will soon wash little rhett's tiny body. and i just lay there. not offering excuses about why i was so dirty. i didn't even try to lift a finger to help. i just lay there--resigned to the fact that He and only He could get me clean. as he moved from my shoulder to my elbow, from my forearm to my hands i felt clean and loved and free. then he moved on to the more private areas of my body. i flinched in reaction to the hurts that have been administered to those areas. but He just continued washing away the dirt and shame from the areas that are by far the most intimate--the most sensitive to damage. i was scared for a moment. scared he would hurt me while i was helpless. but He didn't. He just washed it all away with nothing but a tender and appropriate touch. and as i lay in His arms--in His tender care--surrounded by grace and love,

running away didn't seem to make any sense. attempting to be independent didn't seem to make sense. being anywhere but here--helpless and clean--for the rest of my life, didn't seem to make any sense.

and that is my picture. that is my vision. this is who i am to God. This is who He knows me to be somewhere deep inside.