i'm convinced i'm missing parts. not the creative ones, or the free thinking ones. i've got plenty of daydreaming parts and lots passionate and opinionated ones. i'm missing the responsible ones. and on days like today i hate it.
sometimes i act like i hate responsible ideas and notions. some of that is my free spirit wanting to roam...some of it is simply--that i can't do responsible...and it really pisses me off. so i discount it all. but if i take a deeper look...i wish i had some responsibility...but no matter how hard i concentrate or try--responsible is a piece i'm missing. it's kind of a large piece. it includes the parts that perceive time and abilities, returning phone calls and emails. remembering names and needs. it includes the parts that keep track of schedules and plans. it includes the parts that hurt other people's feelings when you are late, or forget about them all together...or never make the plans because...wellllll...planning isn't your thing.
days like today i sit and stew in self contempt. the world i live in prizes responsibility and try as i may...i just don't have any. i wanna throw my hands in the air and scream,
"no offense! to anyone! i don't mean to be irrespnisible. i'm not doing it to irritate you or be cute."
days like today i feel trapped in my inability to remember. as dramatic as it sounds, i feel a bit handicapped...and a little blue sticker with a wheel chair on it just won't do it for me. i wanna warn everyone that i meet..."no expectations please, i'll let you down. i won't return your call, i won't remember our appointment, i'll really screw things up along the way. none of it is because of you. it's because i can't remember...as stupid as that sounds!"
irresponsible: not responsible: as
a : not answerable to higher authority
b : said or done with no sense of responsibility
c : lacking a sense of responsibility
d : unable especially mentally to bear responsibility
this is me. like it or not. this is all i got. no sense of shame you pour on my head is going to change it. no matter how often i beat myself up about it...here is where i need your grace. is grace enough for such a stupid thing?