lightening

most of the time the hurt is a cloud. hovering over me and my little world. most of the time it's foggy...it's confusing. sometimes it's puffy clouds--not hard to look at...sometimes the fog is thick and smothering...and way too easy to get lost in and sometimes...sometimes there is a lightening bolt. a lightening bolt of pain straight to my heart. i hear a song, or think of a moment when i was ignorantly secure in my world while the other half of me was being whisked away by something much more exciting. i think of a time when i was lovingly trying to move toward him and all he did was pull back into the safety he created with one that wasn't me. i think of a time when i know i was ugly and demanding and frustrated. and he thought. " this is why i'm doing it." those are the lightening bolts. and although i hear the distant thunder the lightening always catches me off guard on a tuesday afternoon.

this process is definitely two steps forward and 5 steps back. this process is enough to tire the strongest of hearts. this process is something else. something totally other than what i ever expected. people say it all the time, it's definitely harder to stay after being betrayed. people say it in the tritest of ways but underneath the overuse, it's brilliantly true. in a tough moment all i wanna say is uncle. UNCLE okay?!? i give up! it's not worth it! hhhhhhh.

when the lightening hits it's the best time to get some clarity. if you can stand the pain. all of the sudden everything around you that's usually dark or cloudy is suddenly illuminated and if you can--you can see way more--if you dare to look. the first few lightening bolts hit and i ducked and covered myself in protection. now i think i'm peeking--a little. and what i see isn't pretty. what i see is powerless. what i see is so much that needs to be looked and ... given to God and well quite frankly i'm waiting around for a sunny day to do that. and there is no sun in the forecast. for a long long time...