screaming a whisper

another day on the path of healing. if i could just look at the path in front of me instead of behind. if i could just ....

i can't remember the last time in my life hurt was so daily present. i don't know how to live like this. i feel like i'm on mute. like everything is going on around me and i am hesitant, i am quiet, i am awkwardly going about my life minus something crucial. nothing makes sense without whatever it is i'm missing but i can't get it back. and i feel far from my Father. and i feel like my heart is hard--to hard to beg Him back, but wanting Him to come and find me. and i feel like i'm self protecting all over again. and i feel like it's all too much. because it is. too much for me. i feel a bit hopeless. i feel like shuting down and hiding in.

it's like a dream. when you want out of a bad situation and your scream comes out a whisper. and you try your voice again and no one hears you. i'm screaming a whisper. once again. that powerless feeling. agh.

so i'm caught in this place of ambivilence. nothing looking good in either direction. toward God looks like work. away from God looks hopeless. so i stay here and wait for Him to find me.

another song to whisper for me...

what i wouldn't give by holly brook
Feeling like I can't forgive,
but I want to
it's like I don't know how to live,
I’m afraid to
I used to think take them as they come,
without hesitations,
no now it's like my head is filled with lies, and persuasions
as the sun begins to fall I hear her calling out to me she's sayin' hurry it's one more day gone

what I wouldn't give
just to forget
so I can remember how to live again
I wanna live again

I am feeling dissonant, and distracted
the toxic chemicals are spilling in my head
and they're bleeding deadly reactions
and as the moon begins to rise he shows me all the colors that I’m hiding
I’m hiding myself

what I wouldn't give just to forget
what I wouldn't give to get some rest
so I can remember how to live again
I wanna live again

am I desperately losing this fight
when I should really be choosing my flight
take me now

what I wouldn't give just to forget
what I wouldn't give to get some rest
so I can remember how to live again
I wanna live again
what I wouldn't give just to forget
what I wouldn't give to get some rest
what I wouldn't give just to forget
so I can remember how to live