Sunday, September 21, 2008

have you seen me lately?

so showing grace in this situation...it was no less a miracle than me walking on water. if that is true then it is also true that this miracle can only happen when my eyes are on Him...just like peter. the moment i take my eyes off Him i start to sink...and spin...and question...and demand...and then it's over. whew! but that is hard to do. i want to medicate this ache. i want to grow bigger than this small me. i want to say i don't deserve this and i can't do this and to hell with this--it was a crazy idea anyway! and in moments i do. but strangely it doesn't help. it just hurts more. so.

keeping my eyes on Him. trusting Him to help me walk on water...or show grace and forgiveness in the face of the ultimate betrayal.

it's like i don't know who i am...it feels like my heart used to be a carefully gated area. a perfectly defined and safe place. now...now i am a blob. an ever changing, uncontrollable, undefined, mystery of a soul. and it feels like a mess because my reactions are not my own. i second guess, no! quadruple guess everything i do. it's so frustrating! and scary and undefined and i am living with a different me than i am used to. a softer smaller one. and i don't know who i am...it's scary. asking Him to tell me who i should be. i know who i want me to be! big and strong and no nonesense...capable and decisive...in control...but i'm not that anymore...and don't know if i ever will be again....

hhhhhhhh.

as always, my heart speaks through music. and this is what song my soul sings...

Have you seen me lately by keri noble --- BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL!!!!

Have you seen me lately?
Can you tell me what you see in me?
Have you seen me lately?
All i see is what i used to be...

It's eleven-thirty i don't have the time
To come before you now.
Yeah-i know it's been awhile
But i'm just to tired now.
Please don't be too angry didn't you hear--
Me mention you last week?
I'm just worn out.
Why can't you let me sleep?
(have you seen me lately)

have you seen me lately?
can you tell me what you see?
have you seen me lately?
all i see is what i used to be...

Found myself in conversation--
Trying to convince me what you're about.
I don't know why but i couldn't get it out.
Met an old friend yesterday who
Told me how my love inspired her to
Love like i love you.
(have you seen me lately)

What has happened to my fire?
The way you were my every desire?
My God, i never meant to be this!
Father hold me i can't see myself!!!

have you seen me lately?
can you tell me what you see in me?
have you seen me lately?
all i see is what i used to see...
what i used to be...

Turn the phone off, throw the TV out!
It's time to get it right and
i will stare at myself
Even if it takes all night.
What could i have thought i could give you?
In my grip?
you're a God of power
if I take my eyes off you
i will surely slip
!

have you seen me lately?
can you tell me what you see in me?
have you seen me lately?
all i see is what i used to be...

1 Comments:

Blogger Gigi said...

You know what I so 'think'I get this..hurt for you in the getting ......I read this this morning in Matthew 10: 38-39"If you don't go all the way with me, through thick and thin, you don't deserve me. If your first concern is to look after yourself, you'll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you'll find both yourself and me.

dang huh....

8:21 AM  

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