will i get over it?

over and over i replay the details. trying to get more power. a leg up. trying to feel bigger--in the know. the details punch me in the stomach and take my breath....what a betrayal. so i ask more questions--which he fumbles to answer. God has transformed him in such a short time--his heart is soft and welcoming but i can't enter into it--knowing that he is capable of much damage. so i ask until there is nothing left to wonder and then i am left with my own thoughts.

why? where? what was it like? what was i doing when...so i ask another meaningless question and another and another... lights on or off? how many times? did you hold hands? as if in the answer to some random question i would find peace--but instead i find more chaos. more and more chaos. more and more hurt...more and more confusion. and i wander if he's telling the truth. and i try to poke holes in his answers. and i try to make a case for closing my heart. so i ask more questions and get more restless answers. he's trying so hard. and i am unmoved. i don't trust it. the change. who knows if it's real? certainly not me. i was sleeping next to him most nights, we were sharing meals and tickling kids--and all the while i had no idea. no idea what he was capable of. no idea what my life was really about. i feel like such a fool. i feel like i should have known. i feel like i never want to do that again. and then there is God.

God.

whew. i hear his voice. "oh how He loves us". he's putting this pulse of forgiveness in my head. bringing random things right in front of my face saying, "choose me". His way is unsafe and all out. His way is...love. and trust and forgiveness and i don't know how to live that and and so scared of that way. too scared to move.

will i ever get over this? will it ever be gone? or will it be a black mark on my life for the rest of my life? can i get over it? should i have stayed in the first place? can HE be enough? can i open myself up again? can i jump off the cliff of forgiveness into the pool of grace? i'm standing on the ledge i just need a strong wind or a great big push...