you call me beautiful?

as always a song can go where my words cannot...this song knows me.

call me beautiful

a song by ginny owens

I've been waiting
For a hero who's brave and strong-
Someone to love me,
Someone to tell me I belong,
So I pretend I'm satisfied,
And I stand watching on the sidelines,
'Til You pull me into the light
And say, "It's Your turn now,
Welcome to your life!"

And You call me beautiful,
And say You've loved me all along,
And You've always held the keys to unlock my soul
Oh You call me beautiful

There's a smile on my face,
And a brand new light in my eyes,
It's a new day,
And I've never felt so alive-
I feel as if I could conquer anything,
Oh that's what Your love has done for me,
And now all I want to be,
Is everything You want me to be-

And You call me beautiful,
And say You've loved me all along,
And You've always held the keys To unlock my soul,
But I didn't know-

Now I can finally start to live,
Take those chances I have missed,
Things will be much different,
Now that I knowYou call me beautiful

The story is better than I could dream after all,
Now this is reality
To know You and to hear You
call me beautiful
Call me beautiful-
Now I can finally start to live,
Take those chances I have missed,
Things will be much different,
Now that I know-
Now that I knowYou call me beautiful

His burden is light?

i can honestly say until just recently i have had a hard time with Jesus' words,

"come to me all you are heavy laden--for my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

it seems since i've become a Christ-follower that has been anything but the case! it is just recently that i started looking inside at who i am and what i do to break the heart of God. and--arrogent me--i kinda thought that the point was to fix it. me...by myself--fix me--you know, just kinda take care of what i found in there. in the name of God of course!

i may be just a little slow, but earlier this week it was made clear to me how this action in itself breaks the heart of God. this whole time i didn't realize that God wanted to be a part of the changing--the molding me into a new creature. i kinda thought He saved me and i needed to do the rest...as if i am capable of anything good...wow. i would never say that i was one that beleived in a "works gospel" but i feel like i have been living it for 6 months now.

i feel so releived. so grateful and RELEIVED!!! that His yoke is easy and His burden is soooo light. that His grace leaves me with nothing to "do". nothing. i just need to remain helpless.

helpless...hmmmm.

now how the heck do i do that?

oh--yeah...

i interrupted heaven a few minutes ago--i prayed. i banged on the door and surprisingly enough someone answered. i demanded proof.

i said, "i need to know that you really love me like that book the bible says that you love me! GIVE ME A SIGN!!!!"

and the voice on the other side of that celestial door said, "i already did. His name is Jesus."

oh--yeah...

i give up

don't really know how to make the last few days come alive with words. more and more i am unable to adequately express myself on this crazy blog.

but here goes...i think this is the easiest way to explain it.

i think God declared war on my pride.

and i think a humility bomb just went off in my life--

putting huge holes in my defenses and wounding my arrogance so critically that i don't know which wound to lick first. i'm overwhlemed and beginning to think that licking my wounds won't work this time. like it has for the past six months. i think my defenses are permanantly destroyed...rendered irrepairable.

on top of all this, i think He's got me surrounded. at this point i only really have one choice.

up goes the flag. not lexi's flag, the one that has been waving over my life for far too long...but the white one...

i surrender.

i am velcro

"Ambivalence is a state of conflicting emotions at the same time related to the same object, idea or person (for example, feeling both love and hatred for someone or something). The term is also commonly used to refer to situations where 'mixed feelings' of a more general sort are experienced or where a person feels uncertainty or indecisiveness concerning something. a person's everyday 'mixed feelings' may easily be based on a quite realistic assessment of the imperfect nature of the thing being considered.

One common saying which entertains the young mind is, 'Me, ambivalent? Well yes and no'."

ambivalance is a big word. a big word that translates into an immediate and immeasurable amount of stress in my life. i am an ambivalant mess.

but oddly enough the Bible says that God is at peace with conflicting emotions. He loves us and hates our sin. He is both God and man. at the same time. and it doesn't stress Him out.

i am yearning for perfection on this side of heaven and i'm never gonna get it. and it forever leaves me ambivalant. as if my personal dissatisfaction can change the world in this way...and create instant perfection...all because of me and my needs.

if i only had eyes to see that this world is not the point. if i only had eyes to see that my comfort is not "it". if i only had eyes to see nothing but my Father and what He wants me to do. not others. just me. and if i had the courage to look at that.

because i really want to see the world like this, satisfied with this imperfect earth...and then again i don't. inside i kinda want it to be enough. i want to find a little peice of perfection here. and i am uneasy with life until i can make sense of these opposite pulls.
imagine that. me, ambivalent? yes and no...

the picture at the top of the blog is a picture of velcro. amivalant velcro. the two sides of this velcro are being pulled apart. one side is holding on and one side is letting go. the consequence is the awful crackling sound that velcro makes when the two opposing forces inevitably end in the seperation. today i feel like this velcro. i feel two things so strongly that they are painfully seperating my life into stress. and unhappiness. and it's almost like i can hear that crackily sound too:) i stubbornly insist on the pulling apart. and yet velcro serves such a great purpose when it is together. not so much when it is being pulled apart. why then can i not just be comfortable feeling both things. being both ways?

perspective

i'm nothing but a name on a list in another's life.

i didn't get a call from the dr. today...like they told me i would. it sucks. but i am powerless. i can kick and scream about how insensitive that is...and i have...but all my juvinille fit throwing won't fix anything. i have no choice but to wait until monday for news...as if 2 and a half years hasn't been waiting enough. it feels like my emotions are a game to Him sometimes. He could have written today's story different. but He didn't. today's chapter did make me pause long enough to recognize that my problems don't make the world go round or even stop traffic. i'm feeling a bit small. and sad. and scared.

i'm nothing but a name on a list in another's life.
a name she didn't get to today. a name--attached to some routine test results that will get taken care of monday...and that has to be okay...

waiting by the phone

i'm staring at the phone...waiting...for it to ring...

i'm expecting a phone call from the dr. today. today they are supposed to tell me something--ANYTHING! about what is going on with my body.

eric and i have been trying to get pregnant for about 2 and a half years now.

that's a long time...and alot of negative pregnancy tests.

today they are supposed to call and tell me something technichal about whether or not i am producing the right amount of hormones to sustain life.

so i went and saw my dr. 2 weeks ago about this fertility issue. she smiled sweetly upon my departure and cheerfully told me to start taking prenatal vitimins because "hopefully next time we meet we will have a pregnancy". i wanted to believe her but 2 and a half years is a long time

...a long time...and alot of baby showers.

don't know exactly what i want to hear when phone finally rings today. don't know what news would be better...and what would be worse. i think the worst news that they could give me is that they don't know what's wrong...becuase that's where i've been for two years and it sucks!

i feel so cynical about this whole thing. and cynisism is a new one for me. i think my cynisism is a big ol' mask for my fears. my deep, dark, fear that this is what i deserve. this this is some kind of divine punishment for my sins. punishment for my first pregnancy. a pregnancy that i didn't want. a pregnancy that shouldn't have happenned. a pregnancy that i at one time i wished never happenned...i wished it...i wanted it to go away...i wanted her to go away...ah, the guilt...

well, it sure feels like punishment--this waiting on a phone call. i wonder what they will say...i wonder what i will say...or do...

i want to say mean things to God right now.
things like,

WHY???
what do you think are you doing?
is being on birth control the only way i can get pregnant? or was that just a little joke that you played on me?
why when i was in college, chasing dreams?
and why not now? when i have a house, a ring and even a room!?!
WHY and WHY NOT?!?

my thoughts and feelings are out of control...i know. but i'm feeling them just the same. what good would it do to ignore them? i must own them in this moment...and then pass them on to bigger more capable hands. can He handle it?!? can i? can i handle handing it all over???

i'm staring at the phone...waiting...for it to ring...with some news...any news.

how 'bout love

sometimes jaeda amazes me with her knowlege about life.

we were sitting at the dinner table last night--me, eric, jaeda and my little brother isaiah--it was a normal wednesday night. we were rushing around, trying to choke down some spaghetti before heading off to church. the kids were bickering back and forth about who was smarter, who was better at math--that sort of thing. then jaeda started trying her best to stump zea with simple math equations like what's 4+12? each correct answer he gave successfully frustrated her and amped up his 8 year old self esteem.

then a quite arrogant isaiah said, "think of the hardest thing that you can-- bet i can figure it out!"

jaeda thought for a while and then said the most amazing thing,

"ummm...how 'bout love."

i didn't think i had heard her right so i asked her to repeat herself.

she answered and said, " bubby asked me to think of the haudest thing i could think of so i said love."

"love? why would you say love was the hardest thing?" i asked.

"because it's scary and you can't be afwaid of it."

as soon as the words were out of her mouth, a lump started too grow in my throat. i was taken back by her 5 year old wisdom. so straightforward and sensible. i now understand why God said that in order to come to Him we have to become like children. children hear the right question. we hear only the obvious ones. children prioritize by what is important, not what is urgent or expected. that is beautiful. that is what Christ asks me for...

it's sad that sometimes jaeda gets it and i don't.

finding myself in the wake of others and following my own...

finding myself in the wake of others...

so eric and i were just laying in bed and had pretty much the deepest disscussion we've ever had. wow. i came in to blog about it just so i wouldn't forget the conclusions we came to.

so we started talking about eric's inablility to let loose with kids at church. and he said that his participation in helping with kidzone tonight would have been drastically different if the rest of the adults in the room weren't there. it was the adults opinion--me included--that caused him the most anxiety when thinking about "letting loose". so i was trying to push him a bit and ask him why and stuff and then he got real deep on me and told me he would tell me something if i promised to just love him. of course i said i would and he proceeded to tell me that there are some people--random people--that really intimidate him.

if you know eric, that is really saying something. eric is not only a social butterfly but is also extremely bold in social situations--i was surprised to find that we shared this secret intimidation. he named of a few people that we both know. quite a random lot and the funny thing was they were the same people that intimidate me! we proceeded blindly into the conversation slowly uncovering the feelings that we share when encountering these people--feelings of

super sensitivity and self protection.

feelings of self consiousness and hypocracy.

we decided that the reason these particular people intimidate us is because

they have something that we don't.

and then we went even further than that and said that

we are jealous of them for being someone we can't.

and then a step further than that and finally came to the realization that

the reason that we feel intimidated by these certin people's presence is because they are extremely comfortable in their own skin. they know who they are and are not afraid to act that way. they recognize their personal strengths and weaknesses and are fearful of nothing...seemingly enough anyway.

it was weird that all the people we were talking about were Christ followers. i know plenty of people that i am intimidated by that are not christians. but their intimidation repells me instead of attracts me. i started to think about that and thought maybe, just maybe, the Christ followers that intimidate me are so boldly themselves because they know Jesus and are conviced of the fact that He loves Him just the way they are and they pass that on. in their world their best friend is the King and because of that there is nothing to be afraid of. eric and i decided that is why we always feel like we are lying when we are around them. we do not act like ourselves because we are so busy taking self protective measures that we loose track of who we are and who we aren't and end up feeling like a fraud...but only around people that are not doing the same thing as we are. the truth is the majority of people are like eric and i--constant self protectors. and these people that intimidate us--we pretty much avoid them. it's not like we dislike them. there are many people in my list of "intimidators" that i love and respect. but we avoid their presence because it makes us uncomfortable.

following my own...

so then we started asking ourselves who we make uncomfortable. wow! what a revelation! here lately i have felt like people don't like me. when i talk they give me blank stares or when i am authentic they are speechless or avoid the topic of disscussion that i have brought up. i have found that there are many people that i do this to. not on purpose...at first.

at first i am just being me. and then i feel misunderstood so i embellish the feeling and make it bigger so i feel superior. wow! what a rude wake i have been leaving in people's lives. i am the rude speed boat that zooms by while others are trying to learn to ski, being completly unaware of anything but me! how careless i have been with my life. i have been so blind for so long about how i make other people feel. and it is not the method that needs to change, it is the motive behind the method.

everything i have done thus far has been motivated by selfish gain. if it were instead motivated by love...how different would my life look? what if i wasn't trying to use each and every conversation as leverage to help everyone see me as superior? what if every conversation i had was motivated by love for the other person? what if i trusted God enough in every interaction that i had with another human, that i could simply be who He made me? why does is all HAVE to come back to trusting God?

no self protection.

just me.

no more. no less.

in the midst of my mess...

i feel a bit like a kid sent to my room to clean it. well i can see the floor now --that's the good news. i mean--at least i know what i am dealing with. the bad news is that the entire contents of the closet and dresser have now joined the already visible clutter, creating a mess of mass proportions! you know how things sometimes get worse before they get better? yeah, that's where i'm at in life.

my abuse group is drawing to a close. we've been at this for 6 grueling months and we now have about 3 weeks left. i wish that upon leaving this group i would be "all better". but i know that is not how it works. this group has been glorious at revealing the hurts of my wounded soul, which has helped me understand why i do what i do and how deeply it hurts the heart of God. this has been amazing and difficult and definately life changing. but...the part that sucks is that for the rest of my life i have to make tough, counter-intuitive desisions to preserve my emotional and spiritual health. which from this perspective seems impossible...


sometimes making the tough desisions is hard and then sometimes--like this past weekend, it's seemingly impossible!

it is just entirely easier to demand that everyone and everything else complete me...

even though i now know that a void of this magnitude can only be filled by the living God...still i keep trying to throw other stuff in there...with the high hopes of forgoing God's help and taking care of myself once again. seems safer--but is definatly lonlier...

so i have made the desision to continue to push toward God's reality being enough. if only i can continue be brave enough to face His reality, embrace the emotions that come with it, and then trust Him to take care of me in the midst of my mess.

i came across this old alanis morrissette song. and believe it or not alanis "gets" me. i don't always get her but...:) i can't express my current state of emotion better than she does here...

Precious Illusions--Alanis Morissette

you'll rescue me right?
in the exact same way they never did..
I'll be happy right?
when your healing powers kick in

you'll complete me right?
then my life can finally begin
I'll be worthy right?
only when you realize the gem I am?

but this won't work now the way it once did
and I won't keep it up even though I would love to 
once I know who I'm not then  I'll know who I am
but I know I won't keep on playing the victim

these precious illusions
in my head
did not let me down
when I was defenseless
and parting with them
is like parting
with invisible best friends

this ring will help me yet
as will you, knight in shining armor
this pill will help me yet
as will these boys gone through like water

but this won't work as well as the way it once did
cuz I want to decide between 
survival and bliss
and though I know who I'm not I still don't know who I am
but I know I won't keep on playing the victim

these precious illusions
in my head
did not let me down when
I was a kid 
and parting with them
is like parting with a
childhood best friend

I've spent so long firmly looking outside me
I've spent so much time living in survival mode