help

i am a mess. still--six months later.

i feel the expectation of having to have things together...and while things are looking more and more hopeful i am still a mess. i've gotten in the habit lately of not seeing a way out of a situation and asking for God's help. simple right? the God thing often is. simple yet hard to do. hard to stop--in my emotion and in my rights and in my mess and cry for help. cry for a way out. cry for guidance or for Him to walk with me down the narrow path of dying to myself.

so far i'm not sure this is worth it. just being honest. i'm not sure staying was altogether the thing for me to do. soooo much hurt. sooo much WORK! and there are glimpses of hope...of joy even. but the hurt and hard work are everyday companions. the joy and hope are here and there and never stay longer than a moment.

right now i'm wrestling with the idea that marriage is altogether different than i thought it was. i thought there was a safety in marriage. only to find out there is no such thing. i thought idealistic and impossible things of marriage--ideas that i don't wanna part with...and don't know how to.

i'm seeing way too much of myself in this marriage. way too much crap. i thought i was lovable--in some enchanting and beautiful way. deep down i thought that. for that to be refuted. wow. it rocks my world.

moments like that is when i must call for His help. and He comes. and He helps. but too often i don't ask for help and i try to do it on my own and i can't...

here's a song that found me today...always a song...

FAithful
by brooke fraser

There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
i wave my arms' round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what i long for


When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear everyword I pray
And i want you more than i want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful

All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
i still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So i whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tounge,
knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me


Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want