i hope . . .

Hope by Emily Dickenson

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land, And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.


I'm getting ready to go on a trip to louisianna to work with katrina relief efforts. . .from what i understand, things down there are terrible beyond my imagination. the other day i watched oprah's special on St. Bernard's Parish, which is where we will be serving, and it seemed


hopeless.

so i guess that's what has brought hope to mind this morning. what is it? how does one pass it on to the hopeless? how do these amazing folks in new orleans still have some left?

i am naively "hoping" that me and 19 others, teens and adults, can bring some of this rare commodity down to those in great need.

if hope is a thing with feathers--tell me emily, how do i catch it and bring it to sing for others?

mirror in the sky

sometimes when i walk by a mirror--i'm suprised by the quick reflection i find there and spend the next few minutes, looking, fixing and examining myself.

sometimes i'll find an expression there, i've never seen.

sometimes i will find a person there that i no longer recognize.

but it never fails that my curiousity bids me to take that second look. to see who i am and what i look like to others. so many times i think if i didn't own a mirror i could so easily talk myself into being someone else. but everytime i look in the mirror,

i am reminded of who i am, where i come from and where i am going.

sometimes i feel that God is a great mirror in the sky. without Him i would have such a skewed identity. never having an divine reality to compare my personal reality to would leave me to be a stagnant sick mess of a person.

sometimes i catch a glimpse of myself in His divine mirror and i grimace.

then i examine my reflection.

and then i change.

other times i just wince and look away.

i want to learn to do the former far more than the later. i want to go over and above just examining my imperfections and actually see what He sees when He looks at me...

we talk so often about having a healthy body image well i'm all for a healthy heart image.

i long to look at my reflection and see what He sees...

which is a daughter--lost, broken and calling for help. when He looks at me He sees beauty unlike any other. beauty that is unimaginable to me, a war torn refugee.

where i see failure, He sees victory. where i see weakness, He sees strength.

i think the point of this life isn't just to see my imperfections and fix them. it is to eventually see me as He sees me and operate as the child of the King.

He sees me like i've never dared to see me before.

i long for a glimpse into this mirror... if i could get the cloudy reflection of my ragged, tattered war torn self out and replace it with His view of me--which is a picture of grace and everything lovely--i think i could begin to function as that person. as His heir.

as the me i am supposed to see.

as the me i am supposed to be.

broken glasses

i was sitting around with a friend lamenting the abundance of broken relationships and people that seem to be surrounding us right now and i felt desperate. it all felt a bit hopeless . . . and then i let the Son shine in on the situaiton and felt silly. i felt silly that i really think so much of myself to think that i could fix anyone's problems or hurts or even warn them of possible hurt to come.


when i first came to Christ, it's like He took off the old cracked glasses that i used to wear and restored my sight. now as i look around, all i can see are people stumbling around through life with broken glasses--just like my old ones. i immediately try to help them. i try to save them from running into all the things that i once did. but my mission isn't so easily accomplished. because when it comes down to it, i can't fix their vision, i can only walk beside them on the journey toward the divine Physician who can give them new eyes. they can't see what i see. they don't know that their lenses are cracked and useless. so they proudly stumble around and refuse my help--hey, i can't blame them. i did that once too.

it's just so hard to see the ones around me make mistakes--even though i know the mistakes they are making are nessesary, bringing them only closer to a living God.

it is hard to remember that my job is not to "fix" it or to do it for them. my job is merely to walk beside and love them. too many times i think too much of myself and forget that it is not me that is responsible for my "sight".

this rough metaphor helps me get my mind around my mission. there is so much going on around me and inside me right now. God wants to work. i must learn to get out of the way . . .

i am so deeply selfish that even in my acts of kindness i assume others should see what i see, know what i know, do what i do. even though it may be the right thing it is the wrong thing.

Christ would have all come unto Him, each one on a different path--their own path. because when it comes down to it His story is deeply personal. each person has to find their own way. we don't learn what we should from other people's example. we all--like two year olds--must do it ourselves.

i must walk beside the stumbling, i must love the desperate but i must remember always that it is Him, not me, that restores life and sight.

romance in the air . . .

God is working. God is wooing. God is searching down his loved ones with reckless abandon. He will go to any lengths to get their attention. i only say their's because He already got mine. He finally got my attention about 5 februarys ago when i was at the bottom of a downward spiral. at that point He was screaming my name--begging me to run into His arms. i couldn't resist.

He chose me.

But even before he sang me my love song He was calling my name all my life. i just never heard Him.

now...

i hear Him calling the name of those all around me. He is persuing them like an empassioned lover. He is ready to satisfy the insatiable desire we all have for wholeness. do they hear? are they listening to the Creator of the world as He tells them their love story? as it unfolds day after day? where will they find Him? will they see Him in the sunset? will they see Him in a crisis?

when will they recognize their whole lives as a love story?

i've spent all weekend with lost people. rich lost people, poor lost people. black lost people, white lost people. difficult lost people and soft lost people. their lostness makes them all the same. makes them all have one divine common denominator. they all have a hole they are trying to fill and God wants to fit. He is calling their name--He has started to scream in some of their lives. walking next to all these love stories this weekend, these budding romances between Creator and creation--has given me a skip in my step and a weight in my heart.

i see Him working. i see Him wooing.

...as love stories around me unfold i remember mine and smile.

help

why is it that when i am overwhelmed, the first thing to get crossed off my list is the one thing that would keep me sane during this crazy time?

why can't i take my "big" stuff to God? why do i think that is the stuff that only i should take care of?

i am in "overwhelmed into nothingness" mode. i have so much to do and not enough time to do it soooo i cross off journaling and connecting with my Creator first and then attempt to go at it without Him. kind of like--oh i'll deal with Him later. but my God--He is jealous. He wants to be involved in every facet of my life. and i think He is deliberately overwhelming me over and over so that i finally get it in my head that maybe i wouldn't be overwhelmed if i let Him in?

i have said yes to too many things here lately. too many things for me to handle on my own and still be a good mommy and wife and youth leader and friend.

these four things i have failed miserably at these past few weeks. the four things that are the most important.

when i get bogged down with tasks i am overwhelmed with people. all people. and then i am so frustrated with the people in my life that i end up not getting the tasks done!!!

i need His help, i don't know why i resist it.

i need to humble myself and ask for Him to take care of things. . . and me. why is that so hard!?!

humble yourself in the sight of the Lord and He will lift you up.

grass and sky

i am feeling a bit quiet this morning. quiet in Him. He is so big to me right now. so very big and terrifiying.

this thought will probably sound a bit crazy--but that's hardly new on my blog:) i think the idea gets lost in my poor translation but i'll do my best to write down my thoughts as they appear in my head.

the past few nights when i lay down to go to sleep or when i have a rare quiet moment during the day, a certain thought enters my mind. the same thought time and time again. it excites me and overwhelmes me, scares me and warms me.

i get this picture of me laying on my back looking up at the sky. the sky is blue and brilliant. the white clouds above me are swirling with energy and i feel the full power of His presence. i am laying there, looking up at the God of all creation. basically it is just Him and me. no trees or powerlines to block my view. there is nothing as far as my eye can see. nothing beside sky and ground, Him and me.

nothing else.

and i am scared. i am left feeling so very small and insignificant. it feels like i am everything and i am nothing. i feel so conflicted. like this is the only life i have so what i do with it is supremely important but on the other hand i know that my life is nothing. as these feelings swarm inside me i get a powerful feeling of urgency. like He is watching. like He is waiting. watching and waiting for me to listen and to follow Him. then all the sudden i am overwhelmed by His grandeur and the FOREVER quality that this thought has to it. and i push it all out of my head. replacing this big thought with silly small ones.

when this laying-in-the-grass thought comes to my mind i feel i am being transported to the age of 9. when i would lay in my bottom bunk bed trying to figure out forever and who made God and all the rest of those puzzling mortal questions that would scare the crap out me as a kid!

i think God is trying to speak to me through all this. but i am too afraid of His bigness to listen so i look away. why when the God of all creation is trying to get my attention do i ignore His efforts? who do i think i am?

if i really really believed in His bigness--in His reality--wouldn't i be hanging onto His every word?

shouldn't my life be nothing but a reflection of the belief i have in this big big God?

my life doesn't match what i say.

my life stills reads as if i am god and he is not.

maybe that's why i'm scared.