my scribbles

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

another day in the life

so confused about marriage.  about love.  what is it?  how does it work??? 
i have done it all wrong...that's all i know. but i don't know how to do it all
right! whew. all new rules and boundaries and expectations and separation.
i don't get it and it feels dangerous and i feel unsafe and yet free? hmmm.
it doesn't make any sense. loving is a bit like flying. DON"T LOOK DOWN!
every time i start thinking, "what the hell am i doing? giving up my secrets?
tearing down my walls in order to reach out to this other person?" that's me
looking down, and in that moment it is all too much. i don't know. don't know
what love is or how to do it "right". and if right means feeling like i'm falling
outta the sky all the time--eek! that sucks! so hear we go. another day in the
life of someone trying to give His love away. tentitively...

yet another song...speaking for me.

guess it may by rosie thomas

I’m still learning what love is
Everyday I wake up in your arms
I’m still trying to figure out what works
How to set off all your alarms

I’m still learning what love is
When I’m walking close to you
The best way to hold your hand in mine
The best way to comfort you

Guess it may
Guess it may
Guess it may
Guess it may
It may always be this way

I’m still learning what love is
Every time you look at me that way
I’m still trying to figure out just how
You can still look at me the same

Guess it may
Guess it may
Guess it may
Guess it may
It may always be this way

Even though I may not get it right
All the time I will always try
And I will always stand right by your side

I’m still learning what love is
Everyday I wake up in your arms
I’m still trying to figure out what works

Guess it may
Guess it may
Guess it may
Guess it may
Guess it may
Guess it may
It may always be this way

Sunday, September 21, 2008

have you seen me lately?

so showing grace in this situation...it was no less a miracle than me walking on water. if that is true then it is also true that this miracle can only happen when my eyes are on Him...just like peter. the moment i take my eyes off Him i start to sink...and spin...and question...and demand...and then it's over. whew! but that is hard to do. i want to medicate this ache. i want to grow bigger than this small me. i want to say i don't deserve this and i can't do this and to hell with this--it was a crazy idea anyway! and in moments i do. but strangely it doesn't help. it just hurts more. so.

keeping my eyes on Him. trusting Him to help me walk on water...or show grace and forgiveness in the face of the ultimate betrayal.

it's like i don't know who i am...it feels like my heart used to be a carefully gated area. a perfectly defined and safe place. now...now i am a blob. an ever changing, uncontrollable, undefined, mystery of a soul. and it feels like a mess because my reactions are not my own. i second guess, no! quadruple guess everything i do. it's so frustrating! and scary and undefined and i am living with a different me than i am used to. a softer smaller one. and i don't know who i am...it's scary. asking Him to tell me who i should be. i know who i want me to be! big and strong and no nonesense...capable and decisive...in control...but i'm not that anymore...and don't know if i ever will be again....

hhhhhhhh.

as always, my heart speaks through music. and this is what song my soul sings...

Have you seen me lately by keri noble --- BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL!!!!

Have you seen me lately?
Can you tell me what you see in me?
Have you seen me lately?
All i see is what i used to be...

It's eleven-thirty i don't have the time
To come before you now.
Yeah-i know it's been awhile
But i'm just to tired now.
Please don't be too angry didn't you hear--
Me mention you last week?
I'm just worn out.
Why can't you let me sleep?
(have you seen me lately)

have you seen me lately?
can you tell me what you see?
have you seen me lately?
all i see is what i used to be...

Found myself in conversation--
Trying to convince me what you're about.
I don't know why but i couldn't get it out.
Met an old friend yesterday who
Told me how my love inspired her to
Love like i love you.
(have you seen me lately)

What has happened to my fire?
The way you were my every desire?
My God, i never meant to be this!
Father hold me i can't see myself!!!

have you seen me lately?
can you tell me what you see in me?
have you seen me lately?
all i see is what i used to see...
what i used to be...

Turn the phone off, throw the TV out!
It's time to get it right and
i will stare at myself
Even if it takes all night.
What could i have thought i could give you?
In my grip?
you're a God of power
if I take my eyes off you
i will surely slip
!

have you seen me lately?
can you tell me what you see in me?
have you seen me lately?
all i see is what i used to be...

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

make me over



my God is making me over. and it hurts--oh it hurts. but it heals. it's scraping off the scab to take out the infection. only His skilled hands can do the hurting and healing all at the same time. and i find myself crying out to him. leaning on Him. holding onto Him. until i feel peace and love and freedom. He is the only Good. He is the only Strength. He is the only Trustable. the only Loving. and knowing that to be true. i give it all. all the peices of me i love and long to hold onto. the broken little scraps of strength i've peiced together over the years. all the little shards of independence and sense of self i've accumulated in this life. i meekly offer. and say, "change me--make me yours." i am oh so small--this version of me. smaller than is comfortable--so once again i must lean on Him for every step...every moment. and He loves it that way. it's the most uncomforable wonderful place i've ever been.

He is my Creator.

imagine.

letting Him tell you who you are...and who you aren't.

the above picture is of nagisaki. the city in japan we dropped the atom bomb on during world war 2. there was damage that was nessesary for the world's good in that situation. how tragic. what a desision to have to make. so glad it wasn't mine. i feel like everyday i wake up with the damage done to me that was nessesary for my greater good. i am free today. freer than i've ever been. wow. too bad this was the only way to get me here. too bad there is so much fallout to deal with. but He is big enough...


Make Me Over by lifehouse
Wrap my arms Around your name Feel your breath Against my pain As i breathe out the past is gone Empty smile Naked heart Who I Was Falls apart When you're here inside of me Feel till you're numb Depth perception becoming The new deaf & dumb I'm losing myself just to find a place in your mind In your mind Changing myself just to stand along in your eyes In your eyes... pull me in Take me out Make me over Read the wave Ride your fears In this ocean of years We've been here, swimming on Take me deep Till I find Every corner of your mind We've been here, swimming on Touch till you taste All the time we are wasting Alone, waiting here I'm losing myself just to find a place in your mind In your mind Changing myself just to stand Alone in your eyes Your eyes... Pull me in Take me out Make me over and shout me out loud Shout me out loud

Monday, September 08, 2008

He is enough!



God is big enough. God is strong enough. God is graceful enough, forgiving enough--for anything we face.

but somewhere in our little tiny grasshopper hearts we think we are big enough. we think others are strong enough. we don't need His grace or His forgiveness. we are doing "fine". fine is such a lackluster word to use to describe this life. do i really want to be fine? or do i want to be amazing! do i want to be as high as the eagles in flight and as beautiful as the sunset on the ocean? He holds the keys to a life that looks like that. but it also looks like a long hard trek, a narrow road to get there, but when you are there--He holds you. and that is enough.

He is big enough. He is strong enough--graceful enough, forgiving enough. and that--all the sudden, is enough. enough to make today look like the best day ever! enough to make tomorrow a breeze. enough to make life look like a symphony of amazing/horrible/shocking events all keeping perfect time, in order to make a beautiful noise to lift to Him.

when He is all that matters everything else looks dim. i know that pain causes this kind of eternal vision just for a moment in time. i am enjoying my moment in the Father's arms and don't wanna go anywhere soon. i know i probably will. but i don't wanna hear about it. don't warn me about it or really even talk about it. i'm on a honeymoon of sorts:) who tells a newlywed--"you just wait, troubles are coming your way..."? deep in my heart--i know. but just let me have this. this blissful moment with my Father.

He is carrying me--and right now i don't care where He takes me--and it feels so FREE.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

first september

I've been gone for awhile. I'm back today, on this dawn-less morning. I've been driving toward the daylight for the past hour and it's too stormy, the sun is just not coming up. i know He holds me today. He's holding me up while my heart is ---WOW! so fucking broken. but He is my Father, my Abba, my Daddy. I've never really had one of those. but i hear they know how to make it all okay again. that's what I'm waiting for...whatever it looks like. seriously. deep breath...

meanwhile in my sorrow, i hunted down a poem i wrote in the 10th grade that seems oh so fitting to today. behold my youthful wisdom!!!

First September

Wind whistles a solemn melody,
a lullaby to an aching heart.
sun smiles down apologetically,
forcing stormy clouds apart.

Here I sit in memories,
as faded golden autumn leaves,
fall gently to the ground,
scarcely making a sound,
yet thundering in my head,
as seasons change with dread.

September sees me hurting,
still he sides with the sun.
But both the wind and august know,
my grieving can't be done.

September senses his significance,
he knows i come bereft.
i just wish he'd allow me cry
as August and I wept.

September knows no feeling,
as he harshly strips the trees.
try as he might I won't allow
him to take away my leaves.

September staunchly offers numbness,
to replace tenderness for my soul.
It seems September's confining grasp,
may never let me go.

Though leaves now rustle all around me,
with winds' song whispering in my ear;
i might get through this first September,
to contend with the rest of the year.


i don't know about the rest of the year. but here is to today. His grace is new every morning...