something of nothing

so it's the day after christmas and all i can think about is how incredibly blessed i am. He gave me such a wonderful gift for christmas this year when He let me not only get christmas for the first time but feel it also. this holiday season i have felt the weight of the gift offered to me on that historic christmas night so long ago and the heaviness consumes my every thought. the blessed weight of the gift of that One redeeming life . . . wow. i am finding everything spiritual these days. everyday life in the light of Christ is shocking and exciting. . . although somewhat apalling.

i guess after that gift all the other happy things that happened this christmas seem unnessisarily given. i feel unworthy and humbled by all the gifts i've recieved this christmas. the gift of seeing my four year old's proud face when presenting me with a gift that she picked out by herself. the gift of my unbeleivable husband get promoted to a new and exciting position that he has worked so hard for. the gift of all four sisters together again on christmas morning. the gift of more laughter and less drama this christmas. and the most exciting of all, the gift of a new dream. . .

so after all the gifts were opened on sunday morning my husband said that i had one more hiding in the tree. i opened the envelope to find this note:

every once in a great while someone special is born. april 4th, 1928-maya angelou. may 29th, 1917--jfk. january 5th, 1929--martin luther king jr. march 6th, 1375--michelangelo. november 30th, 1835--samuel clemens. june 18th, 1982--you.

all of these mentioned were born with something a little extra, something that the rest of us don't have. a gift, a talent, a dream, a desire to do somehing greater than just live a life. you are one of these people. you have an amazing ability to make someone feel like the most important person in the world. you have the talent to see dreams for people that they can't see themselves. and you have an unbelievable ability to make nothings into somethings. so this christmas i want to give you something that will help you realize one of your dreams and use one of your gifts to do something great. i love you.--eric

also enclosed in the envelope was a reciept for tuition paid to design school. wow. i am still a bit shocked. naturally i cried . . . and laughed and then kissed this amazing man! he's had this planned for a while now and came up with this crazy idea all by himself. i was honored by the gift and even more honored by the words he wrote about me:) sometimes when life consumes me, i forget that the man that i fight with, struggle through, and come home to still loves and cares for me in this irrational kind of way. this was the ultimate reminder.

anyway. i wanted a new dream. and i got one for christmas. i think this is an interesting bend in my road. and i think an unexpectedly pleasant path lies ahead. i have no other choice but to keep putting one foot in front of the other as i discover what this big BIG God has in store for me.

eric's note said that i turn nothings into somethings but for now i feel a bit like a nothing slowly turning into a something! i guess that's what He's had in mind the whole time. i guess i am slowly coming to the realization that He has forever had this planned for me. kind of like a divine cinderella story. He ever continues to work inside of me, making me look more and more like Him . . . less like the nothing i have prefered for too long and more like His something. i think He has to be a bit relieved to find i am no longer struggling against His finderprint on me. i am now leaning into His plan. excited even that someone bigger and better than me is in charge of choosing the path of my life. and this time i can have no fear of "wasting my pick". because His pick will forever be the best pick. . . i just can't wait to see what it is He has for me . . .

between dreams

i feel like i am between dreams right now. do you know what i am talking about? that confusing half conscieious state when you wake from one dream and dive right into another. yeah i am there. my future is foggy. i am afraid of mixing the two dreams together. that always turns into one big mess in my head. so i as i walk away from my old dreams i am trying to completely trust God with the new dream. the unknown new dream. the exciting new dream. exciting because this the dream that my Creator designed me for--whatever it is. and i am thrilled about no longer wrestling with His will but resting in it. so i am listening, waiting and watching for what He has in store for me.

looking upward

In the context of ever looking upward... Instead of always looking inward, practice more looking outward. Over-attentiveness to purpose-crippling fears, must be displaced by healthy attentiveness to the bleeding, shouting, silent, crying, & whispered needs, both small & great, of those all around us. This is how He loved. This is how we love. Loving this way has the power to move us deep into darkness-dispelling, deception-devouring, chain-breaking freedoms for both ourselves & others - much deeper than we might come into merely by seeking freedom for ourselves alone. Freedom is no prerequisite for forward movement. Forward movement is a prerequisite for freedom.

i found this paragraph at http://theuprising.typepad.com/my_weblog/
this guy's blog is unbeleivable!!! i feel as if his weblog was passed onto me at a most vulnerable moment. and it fed a need. it created an even bigger desire in me to be something more. to get over myself--and on with God's plan for my life. and i am excited! this excitement has replaced any loss that i have felt over the past few days. this excitement has consumed me. i am filled with the reassurance that God's way really is the only way. the only way to catch this kind of passion...to be a part of the greatest love of all time.

finding faith

it's been a crazy day. full of emotion. full of hurt and full of possibilities. i am a quitter. i wanted to quit everything. kind of like an eight year old that feels left out at a slumber party. i just wanted to go home. yeah, i really am that immature.

but i won't quit. i can't quit. i am too convinced of the biggness of my God to quit.

if i beleive in God at all i have to believe that He is big enough to solve any problem and heal any wound. i think last night He had to let me hurt bad enough that i would finally conclude that only He could fix it. not eric, not mandy, not lyndsey and not me. just Him.

boy does it hurt. it is a battle letting Him see this. letting Him even have a peice of this. it is a battle not to let myself wallow in self pity. not to dwell on just how bad someone has hurt me. it is a battle just to feel hurt and not to want to hurt back. it is a battle that i have never attempted to fight. it is a battle that i can't handle. it is a battle that He must fight for me.

it is a battle that i must let Him fight for me. . . and that is the hard part.

i am convinced that God works in extreme measures in my life, only because i don't let Him work through the norm. and somewhere in the extrme wrestling match that was today, i found Him.

today i have scaled the barbed fence before me. the one i built myself. everytime i was hurt i built on to this obstruction between God and i. but the same fence that protected me, kept me out. the barbs on the fence ensured that i would no longer be the one hurting. as i put this fence up so many of these barbs peirced my own skin. but it was worth it as long as i was in control. today i took the first step of the adventure into the never explored territories of faith in God. on this journey thus far, i have found hope--that came first. i have found love--that came awkwardly. and faith is up next. i don't know what lies before me. and i sooooo want to. but i can't. that's not part of the deal.

i hope to finally find a faith that puts action behind the currently empty conclusion that He knows more than me. i hope that this journey brings me a faith in the belief that He is who He says that He is. i can only pray that i will find a faith that truly beleives i can do anything with Him. today i read hebrews--and i decided that i want that kind of faith.

faith. simple yet impossible.

laying on my back looking up

i am hurting. i am broken. and i think if i understand this right, this is where God wants me. but this is not where i want to be! God took something from me last night...something special and irreplacable. and because He does everything this way, i know He did it on purpose. and i am at this weird place right now...trying to figure out what in the world i am supposed to do with all of this now...

i feel like me and God, we are on the contruction site of my life and someone just ran a bulldozer over the beautiful stucture i just built and parts of it fell on me. so i am laying here, crushed, trying to figure out if i can get up--and build once again. i'm really not sure if i can stand on these two shaking legs and finish the project myself. i am bleeding all over myself and i only have two options, get up and finish the job or let God take it from here.

see, i think so far it has been me as the forman and God as the distant builder. He provides the funds and the direction--from afar. and i have the actual say in how it all really happens. i'm quite comfortable with this arrangement and i keep on building things of great significance...that He requires to be leveled, each and every time--because it is not what He had invisioned. this is the part of the job that is far beyond my understanding but hey--what can you do?

it is a bit of a disgruntling job, yes. but i am comfortable with the process. i can handle it. i am fairly confident that one day i will build something so great that He will be proud He will finally let it stand. i am bent on somehow talking the Boss into doing things my way. someday anyway.

but for now i am laying here, helpless and hurting.

i hate it when this happens!

and He chooses this time--of all times--to ask me to hand over the blueprints. He knows me too well. He knows that in any other position i would dismiss the idea in a rather smooth fashion. but well, i am currently laying on my back, injured. and He knows that i am just frustrated enough to consider his offer and hand it all over.

but i won't hand it over. i can't hand it over. if i'm not in charge, i don't know how this would work. really that's all that is holding me back from giving it all over to Him. i don't know what that would look like. it would look like change and change is never welcome in my life. especially this kind of blind change. i have no earthly idea how it would all work. soooo, i can't hand it over. this is my life after all.

so right now i feel like walking off the job.

i feel like saying screw this, i don't know why i am here anyway. working, working and working some more on this life. on this big pile of rubish that i keep building up and He keeps tearing down. so that i can rebuild--and He can tear down. i feel like saying, "if i can't be in charge i don't want this job."

right now i am hurting. i am broken. i think anyone looking in on this process must think that i am crazy. this project that i have committed to makes no earthly sense--but it is the only logic to the divine.

i am to the point in my walk where i understand what is being asked of me. and i just can't do it. i just don't want to do it. doing "it" would lead me down unfamiliar roads and it means turning my back on who i am. right now, honestly and proudly, i mean too much to me to just walk away from. i am not totally convcinced that i am what He says that i am. finding my only strengths in Him. and as i write this i feel terrible! i feel hypocritical. but it is honesty talking. this is the foundation of my problem. God has brought me to my knees and i am going to bite my lip and stand up if it is the last thing i do. because i think i am strong enough...which i know somewhere deep inside i am not but i really really want to be. i really think i am strong enough. that's why i won't let any of this go. that's why i won't let God lead. because i think i can. and if He won't let me than i quit.

selfish struggle

t here for a moment i was seeing God like i've never seen Him before. perhaps that was because i was walking with Him each day. i've been wondering why He has been so far away these past few days--although inside i know. i know that it is not Him that has moved.

it never is.

i've been frustrated with myself lately. frustrated that i can't turn my human nature off and love like Christ. God has sent me many, many, oportunities to show more of Him and less of me but i am infatuated with myself. i love me just a little too much to let me die. even if it is dying to self and living in Him. this sounds like a bunch of christian speak, i know. and i'm sorry. i am catching only glimpses of what is wrong with my heart right now. no that's a lie. i see exactly what is wrong with my heart and i am too proud to acknowledge that it is pride. so i am digging for something else to blame my sin on. perhaps something prettier. perhaps something smaller. maybe something more managable for me. . . just like always.

have i learned nothing? has He not shown himself to me time and time again? He has parted red seas in my life and still i don't listen--i don't obey. i worry and bitch about how my immediate needs aren't met. i am so like the stupid isrealites that i have never before understood. today i understand them only because i have become them.

it's kind of a long story. see, it kinda goes back to this. me and God have this thing. He teaches me through my "never's". and i have sooooo many never's. i said i would never be pregnant before i was married.

so high and mighty was i.

i said i would never keep the baby if i was. because there are too many parents out there that can't have children.

wasn't i good?

i said i'd never be a stay at home mom.

yet here i am.

God soooo loves taking my proud words and turning them around. to make me humbly acknowledge that He is God and i am not. that my best attempts at being good are so so dirty.

whew!!! are you following me? so ever since i was little i have heard these stories of the isrealites. the fools. they SAW God. and didn't beleive. they followed a leader that walked with God, and talked with God--face to face. and yet they doubted. they walked on a dry path that God cleared through what was minutes ago a rushing sea. they saw the angel of God holding up the tall waters and then letting them collide upon their enemies. and a day later they complained that they were thirsty and why didn't God give them some of that water to drink.

HA!

unbeleivable, these stupid people. i remember saying that if i had been guided by a cloud by day and a fire by night that i surely would have followed God whole heartedly and never ever turned away. yet here i stand. God having made himself so evident in my life, time and time again. yet i doubt. yet i am hesitant to follow. once again one of my never's has come back to haunt my life.

because he has performed signs and wonders in my life . . . like in the days of moses. and i act like i can't hear His call on my life. i act like i don't know the right thing to do or i am somehow incapable to do what He has called me to do. the God of the whole universe has taken the time to make himself known to me in my little life and i am unwilling to follow Him when He calls...because i am flawed. because i am proud. because i would loooove to believe that i am special. and when people trample over me i need to put up a fight. instead of what i hear Him calling me to do. which is love. just love.

i have made so many excuses in the past few days as to why i can't love my husband when He treats me less than the best. i have made up so many reasons why i can't and shouldn't have to love this pimply faced high school kid that tries his best to annoy me. during these times i see the desision before me to love God or love myself. and i choose to love myself. over and over and over and over and over . . .

i keep coming back to pride. i am so self absorbed. i think i am so special. . . . no one is allowed to trample on lexi. and if they do--they will pay. no one is allowed to hurt her feelings. no one is allowed to disagree or be better than her. and if they do . . . i am so self absorbed that i think i can hurt them as bad as they hurt me. . . yeah, take that.

i am special. i am special. i am special. i am special. i am special.

this is what i have told myself my whole life. i think at times i told myself this to survive. to keep going. because at times i felt that if i didn't beleive it than nobody would. i have kept this dangerous thought alive in my life through everything. i have lived my life looking down on others so that i could survive. so i could win. i could have someone. and as i look around i have created this world that is so completely self serving. i've discovered that after all is said and done the only person left standing is me. after i belittle everyone else or use them to make me feel better about being me--i have no one. there is not one relationship in my life that doesn't fit in this catagory. i love others only if they love me or make me feel loved.

meanwhile God is calling me to love others and take a step outside of loving myself and i say no. a definate no. a proud no. if loving others means i have to deprive myself of love than count me out God. that is what i say everyday when i can't love kids like He tells me to. when i can't go to sleep without chewing eric out about how many ways he failed in loving me today. that is what i say when God asks me to follow Him. i say no. i just say no.

i can't put me down to love Him. no, not that i can't. i think i can't. i think i need to stay on my side or i'll fall apart. if i don't love me than who will? and here is where i am the isrealites. the stupid stupid isrealites. i have seen God, heard God, and felt God and i don't trust that He loves me better than anyone could--including myself.

He has parted the red sea to rescue me and i would still rather insist that this is something that i can handle better on my own.
like the isrealites i have built a god. an idol. and that idol is me. that idol is me. . .


so i don't know if i've done this right. i don't know how this all sounds. these word-- all these words have just poured out of me today. i don't know what i've said. i don't know what i've left out. i have just put it all out here. in black and white. to see exactly how i am breaking my Father's heart.