finding faith

it's been a crazy day. full of emotion. full of hurt and full of possibilities. i am a quitter. i wanted to quit everything. kind of like an eight year old that feels left out at a slumber party. i just wanted to go home. yeah, i really am that immature.

but i won't quit. i can't quit. i am too convinced of the biggness of my God to quit.

if i beleive in God at all i have to believe that He is big enough to solve any problem and heal any wound. i think last night He had to let me hurt bad enough that i would finally conclude that only He could fix it. not eric, not mandy, not lyndsey and not me. just Him.

boy does it hurt. it is a battle letting Him see this. letting Him even have a peice of this. it is a battle not to let myself wallow in self pity. not to dwell on just how bad someone has hurt me. it is a battle just to feel hurt and not to want to hurt back. it is a battle that i have never attempted to fight. it is a battle that i can't handle. it is a battle that He must fight for me.

it is a battle that i must let Him fight for me. . . and that is the hard part.

i am convinced that God works in extreme measures in my life, only because i don't let Him work through the norm. and somewhere in the extrme wrestling match that was today, i found Him.

today i have scaled the barbed fence before me. the one i built myself. everytime i was hurt i built on to this obstruction between God and i. but the same fence that protected me, kept me out. the barbs on the fence ensured that i would no longer be the one hurting. as i put this fence up so many of these barbs peirced my own skin. but it was worth it as long as i was in control. today i took the first step of the adventure into the never explored territories of faith in God. on this journey thus far, i have found hope--that came first. i have found love--that came awkwardly. and faith is up next. i don't know what lies before me. and i sooooo want to. but i can't. that's not part of the deal.

i hope to finally find a faith that puts action behind the currently empty conclusion that He knows more than me. i hope that this journey brings me a faith in the belief that He is who He says that He is. i can only pray that i will find a faith that truly beleives i can do anything with Him. today i read hebrews--and i decided that i want that kind of faith.

faith. simple yet impossible.