oh, to run ahead

i took my daughter to our church's halloween bash last sunday night. it was too much fun! they had everything fall from cottoncandy to carmel apples, moonwalks to cake walks. it was like a huge fall festival with a myriad of miniature little ghosts and goblins flying every which way! but i left convinced that jaeda was the cutest kid there! she got to pick what she wanted to be for halloween this year.

(a rather big step for me.)

well truth be told i gave her a few choices from which to pick her own costume.
i gave her the choice between, rockstar, ballerina and cowgirl. she picked ballerina. and putting all my tom-boy mom ideas aside-- she really made a great little ballerina. she was just amazingly beautiful.

i talk so often of my little monster--usually complaining about the rough nights and disobidiant days. but today i just feel fortunate to have her. to watch her. to learn from her.

she has such an amazing spirit. a tough little competitive spirit. it's amazing to see such a determined mind in such a small body. she thinks that she can do anything. and she probably can--if there was only some way to bottle this innocent insistance and keep it for days down the road when her body has grown bigger but her faith has grown smaller.

we could open it back up as a reminder when she is too big to remember how fearless a life she once lived.

as i watch her run ahead of me--never looking back. i envy her. that sounds terrible. but i do. i envy her freedom. her freedom to run without the fear of ever losing me. or falling or worse. she is so unbroken and free. free from the fear of danger or failure or dissappiontment or . . . everything else that holds me back from following my dreams and my Father.

her little blue eyes hold such a certainty in them. she is so secure in the fact that someone will take care of her. and therefore she is free to do anything--and everything. there are no doubts in her little round face as it looks up at me and smiles. her little feet don't walk they run--wherever she goes. she doesn't even have to look over her shoulder to see if i am there because she is always sure that i am following close behind.

childlike trust.

what if . . .

what if i had some of that left? what if that trust, that was so prematurely violated, was still intact? what if i could trust that my heavenly Father really had my best in mind. what if i could imagine that he was really that different from my earthly father?

would it all be so different? would it be so much easier? to fall back and know that there would be arms--loving arms--there to catch me? to have the assurance that i could fall flat of my face at something i love but that it was all part of His all-knowing plan? could it be true that failing--again--would not be the end of the world? would having that kind of trust make stepping out in faith and failing miserably-- be okay?

how much am i missing out on because i don't get this "childlike faith"? how many chances have i passed up to do His work? to fullfill my dreams? why can't i seem to move from this oh so comfy spot that i've settled in? why do i make excuses for myself. saying, "this isn't the time, or i'll miss out on j's childhood, or i'm sure there is somebody much better at this, or" . . . on and on my ugly list goes. naming all the reasons i should sit here on these hands that God created for so much more . . .

i would love to take His hand and simply trust that He will lead me down the roads that my heart longs for. just trust that He will be my biggest fan--- but i can't.

and then i see (for once) a healthy picture of my heavenly Father in my earthly dad. when he would look into my face and say, "never, ever say you can't. don't ever let me hear that come out of your mouth again . . . you can do anything."

and although i hear that in the back of my head it's like i can't will myself to take that first huge step.

to have the same trust that i see reflected in jaeda's eyes.

and instead of hiding behind Him oh to simply run ahead--like j--knowing that my Father is not far behind.

i want to be like her. i want to--i really do. i want my Father to laugh at my determination, to smile at my faith, because it's the kind of faith that says,

"i can do anything through Him because He makes me strong."