lost and found

i've found inspiration quite similar to a lost set of keys. i always seem to find it where i least expect it and oftimes in a place that i've already looked.

it seems funny to think that today it was in a cluttered mess of a closet that i found clarity of thought! somewhere in the middle of talking on the phone to a friend, keeping j busy and sorting through useless junk--i felt centered. all of the sudden a rush of thoughts and emotions swarmed into my head, and in case i should forget, i felt an express need to write it all down.

after feeling such a lack of motivation for life for so long-- inspiration felt so, so, good. i felt impowered to live life fuller, love my family deeper and chase my dreams more passionately. i don't know if i can explain it. it came like a warm summer rain after a long, long, drought. i just wanted to stand there--chin up, mouth open, and arms spread wide-- to soak it all in.

the last few weeks i've been going through the motions of living life and not really feeling it, tasting it, smelling it, savoring it. . .it's left me feeling lifeless and cold.

i used to think that inspiration and God had nothing to do with each other. . . but as i've gotten older it's like all these parts of my life that i've tried to keep seperate for so long, have somehow become woven together.

what i'm trying to say is that my art, my words and my life used to be mine. things that i held close to me, cluching them tightly, so that no one. . . not even God could get a glimpse . . . i now find that something about that has changed . . . inside . . . and no longer are my talents and my life a song i sing for me, they are now a song i sing for my Father.

. . . so in these past few weeks while attempting to do life without my Father-- i had lost my inpiration to sing at all.

my God and my inspiration for life-- somewhere along the ride have become one. . . without one i can't find the other. i hope next time i try to pull away from my Father i will remember this lesson. remember that without Him, i am not me. without Him, there is no one being perfect in my weakness . . . there is only my weakness.

my heart feels grateful to stand for a moment in this deluge of inspiration and information and just simply take it all in. i welcome it as a cleansing flood. . . washing away so much of the blur that has been confusing my life and making it hard for me to see.

i thank God for lost inpiration and for found. i thank God that He wants to be a part of everything that has to do with me. it thrills me to think that He wants to know every piece and every part of who i am. that He wants to be in the center of it. i thank God that he jealously pushes his was into my secret places, turning my nothings into somethings and breathing His beautiful, breathtaking inspiration into my otherwise-- cold, lackluster, life.