i've created my own prison

warning: this is authentic.
so i've spoken lately of a sour mood . . . one that i have been attempting to remedy for about 2 weeks. one that has been looming over my household like an over the shoulder annoyance. eric and i have been constantly at odds--over his work, over his busyness, over his uninvolvement, over all the problems i see in him that i just can't help but pick at when he has . . . has . . . hurt me.

i haven't ever looked hard at myself at times like these. . . times like these i am way too busy pointing fingers to stop and look in a mirror. today as i was throwing insults aimed at eric's heart i caught a glimpse--just a glimpse of myself in his words and realized my fault in all of this. because see, in my eyes it's always eric's fault . . . at first anyway. he starts it and i finish it. that's the way our marital skermishes seem to play out. he starts working too late, playing too much and i react like a crazy person. i push him away with such a ferverency--even though what i really want is for him to pull me close. i push so, so hard. so he can't get close to my heart to see that behind all this anger--all this feigned toughness and see that i'm hurt.

today this has rocked my world. i am stunned in the wake of this new found self knowledge. i feel lost. this is my mask--toughness, strength. who is lexi without it? this strength is my imposter. if all this is a self protective measure than who am i? i think i seek to be this untouchable person because things seem so much less painful for me this way--life seems less painful. if all i do--all the time is attempt to lessen pain--who has God made me? because this is who i have made me. i think i am too scared to be the person i was created to be and am just used to hiding her because she is weak--eh i hate that part. can i just say that is my biggest annoyance in life? weakness. when i see weak people i look away, when i feel weak myself i run away. i can't stand this feeling of weakness. i just can't handle it. and that has made me who i am today. and who i am today has wasted plenty of eric's perfectly good attempts to make everything right again because if i let him close he'll see i am hurt. he'll see that i am still damaged from so many people along my life path that have rejected me. . .so when i feel rejected by him it brings up all this dreadful baggage . . . and i never want anyone to see any of that. because that is too real . . . too weak.

but here's the kicker. paul told us in 2 Corinthians 12:9 that God said, "my grace is enough. my strength is made perfect in your weakness." but my self protactive measures put me in the god-seat. put me in charge and therefore i have never let God have a free hand in my life. His strength can't be perfect unless i face my weakness. once again the question is asked, is Christ enough? is His grace enough? if it is why do i try so hard to add to it? grace + "hurt insurance" is not the life that God has for me. but i am way too scared to do life any other way.

God has this great vision for my life. i know it inside. he has this great vision of open pasture and free falling christianity. no more sinful chains, no more heavy burdens. but marring his perfect picture of a vision for my life is a fence that i have erected myself. i am quite proud of it. i like it that people see me this way . . . well they can't really see me. all they see is this tall, important looking boundry. i like the way people must think of the person who resides in this boundry. it pleases me to think that others assume the person inside to be important and so many wonderful unknown things. if they saw me, little ol' drab me hiding inside this austere structure they would know that i wasn't important. that i wasn't anything other than mediocre me. . . so my plan is to never let them see. Christ's plan for me does not include this wall. He so wants me to fly free of this self induced seclusion. He brings people and events into my life in order to bring this wall down. but each time i see a chink in my armour i quickly repair it and return to my reclusive lifestyle. but Christ won't let it go. He so wants me to fly free and unfettered. accomplishing things i can't inside my little hidout. i am torn. so so torn. i want to live this barbarian christianity. i so want to run and jump free in those pluch green pastures. but i can't risk it. it's too much. i am not enough. i am me. i am weak. i am scared and small and . . . nothing. out there i am nothing. in here others at least think i am something. something special, something mysterious, something important. so for now i remain in my own kind of prison. safe from hurt, judgment and rejection. . . yet left out of the exhileration that living life God's way would bring.

humph . . . this a bit of a rambling--i know. this post may not make much sense. i had to write it to try to get my head around this thing. . .