like a child

what have i done to my daughter? it's like somedays i wake up in the morning to find this unfamiliar little girl living in my house. a little girl with no manners, no patience, no listening skills and no trace of all the things that i try so hard to teach her!!!! today was one of those days! she was just so . ! . so . ? . so obviously three years old. yeah, she was really only acting three today and the honest to God truth of the matter is that it's me who wakes up somedays as an unfamiliar person to her!

i just had the hardest time being a good mommy today--let alone a good person!!! i don't know what my deal was--i wasn't even happy with me. eric was entirely frustrated with me and so was j, as well as my brother. . . i think today was so bad that the list of people i frustrated might even include the lady i glared at in the pharmacy and the guy i was rude to in the dr's office! there really was a little cloud over my head all day long. no joke, i bet it was visible.

i hate days like this as bad as everyone around me does. if i am such a great "controller" why can't i control my attitude on days like this? it was like i was willing myself to stop acting like a 4 year old and i just couldn't--err wouldn't. and i knew i needed to do quiet time but i ran from it all day long. what is up with that? why? why? why?!? i know God can take care of these problems but i insist upon wallowing. why do i wallow? it's not like it feels good! what is my pay-off? i have to get something out of it or i wouldn't do it. and i hate to sound like a broken record but the first thing that comes to me is CONTROL. who would have guessed it. i do feel like i am in control when i am being bitchy to everyone. i can hide all my feelings behind bitchiness and stay safely secluded as long as i want. it's like i am playing hide and go seek and i am supposed to be seeking but decide i'm gonna get all the others by hiding instead. ha! ha! joke's on you--- but it's really on me . . . i suceeded in ruining my day far worse than i suceeded in ruining everyone else's.

i read on an a friend's blog today a quote by erwin mcmanis that said that all attitude problems are really arrogence problems. inthequiet.blogspot.com
so that kinda pissed me off even further. . . it really is like i was 4 today and demonstrating my power by throwing the biggest fit that i could. my goal was to mess up as much as i could--just because. how ridiculously childish! i am embarrassed looking back on me and my immature motives. a lesson i should learn from. i wisely say should . . .because this head is so hard who knows if i really will. i have a feeling that this is not exactly what God meant when He said said we should come to Him like a child . . .