undecided

i am currently job hunting. i don't know what i want to do or if i really want to do it (go back to work) but i am looking for employment. i have just begun an active search as of today. and i am already frustrated! i guess i just want God to drop the perfect thing in my path and i don't know why i think that this will happen . . . this is obviously not the way God has chosen to work with me in the past but. . . i don't know. i want something i can enjoy and i want something that i feel makes a difference. i guess i don't want to get myself stuck in a job i hate and have to stay there for money reasons or whatever. i feel like right now i am in this awesome place where i just have to make enough to cover j's daycare and the payment of some nagging bills and i'll be set. it's not like i need to bring home a huge salary, i just need to get us to where we don't feel like we are playing catch up every month! what i really want to do is to go back to school but i need to save up and payoff a student loan off before i feel like i can do that. so that leaves me here--in this weird place where i really don't want to waste my pick.

i feel like most of my life has been spent here. not in dr. suess's "waiting place" but instead--the picking place. where i am facing a big decision in my life and am terrified that i will "waste my pick", as i am prone to say.( my friends and family are groaning right now--i can hear them! they hate it when this topic comes up) i have lived my life in the shadow of the wrong choice. i can feel it looming over me when there is any choice to be made. whether it is choosing my dinner at a familiar restaurant or deciding on a life mate--i am terrified of "wasting my pick". it is really that bad! i obsess over the most insignifigant options because of this silliness. but it is a silliness that is ever so real to me.

i almost missed sharing the rest of my life with eric because of this ridiculous obsession. it honestly came down to me saying, " no matter if there is some ethereal 'better pick' out there he is the one i will be thinking about for the rest of my life--the one i will be comparing every other potential pick to, so really he is my 'best pick'." terribly unromantic--yes. kinda weird, definately. but did i do it--you betcha!

it is once again a control issue. i would love to think that i can control my life. . . and although i spend every day trying to convince myself otherwise, did i still obsess over picking which outfit i would wear today? yes i did . . . sad, but true. you don't have to tell me that this idea of "wasting my pick" is Biblically unfounded because boy do i know that. but like i have talked about so many times, i feel as if i can't transfer this great knowledge into my practical life.

so, this job desision falls into the ever so important picking place. . . do i choose to work a meaningless job? hold out for a more productive one? or opt to continue on as a full time mom (now that i am considering the possible reality that i may never have a three year old to stay home with ever again)?
i can't help but say it--i just don't want to "waste my pick".