smelly things

today, upon exiting a port-a-potty,my brother isaiah asked me the most profound question. "why does God make smelly things?" he said.

out of the mouth of babes...

i know we've all asked this question before. Maybe not in such practical terms but . . .

my grandmother was diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumor earlier this week. She goes tomorrow to get her first round of radiation. wow, why does God make such smelly things? today was the first day i really let myself feel the disappiontment of my grandma's news--a.k.a. i cried. i can't really put my finger on the source of my disappiontment. she is eighty, alone, and probably very much looks forward to being freed from her burdomsome body. but i see so much more life inside of her--for my sake. i see pain for those of us who will miss her dry humor and witty conversation. i see regret for not taking advantage of the time i've been granted to spend with such a strong lady. i am so selfish in my questioning of smelly things. if i tell myself the truth, it is really never, "why do smelly things happen to all those other poor people". it's really only, "why do i ever in my life have to smell these smelly things?!?" these questions only seem important when the bad things are hurting me, see. how pathetic.

concerning my grandmother's tumor, i seem to switch between two emotions in a rather bi-polar fashion. one minute, the unfeeling part of me is saying that she has lived a good life. that this is part of the never ending circle and just because this time i have to sacrifice a link close to me in order for it to continue shouldn't make me sad but respectful. and then i feel awful for even thinking that! and the drama takes over. this is my precious grandmother!!! whose persistance i have inherited, whose comitment to family i have donned. i have every right to be broken over this! . . .all the things left unsaid. . .all the stories never told!!! she can't die . . . and then i realize that this is not about me . . .but in typical lexi fashion, i effortlessly made it all about me.

smelly things. . .why did God ever make them?