the heart of the matter. . .

so i went to the dr's this morning. i've been having these really strange heart flutters these last two weeks. i was really battling about actually going to the dr's with this. i mean--come on, i am a 23 year old athlete, you know? so i was bound and determined to figure out what was causing this strange abnormality. i was started to think that it was all because of my new running schedule, so i stopped running last wed. then i started to think that it was my new tea drinking habit. i started drinking a cup of english tea in the afternoon (beacuse it feels kinda cool, sitting in a comfy chair drinking tea and it totally curbs my appetite after lunch so i don't snack all afternoon!). so i thought that maybe returning to my previously decaffinated lifestyle would make the symptoms go away. so i quit drinking my tea last wed too. these strange palpitations still did not go away but instead increased! so the whole heart skipping thing was really starting to . . . i don't know . . . bother me. i am a healthy young woman. why in the world would my heart be flip flopping like this for no apparent reason? so i finally went to the dr today.

it's been kinda weird to seriously look at my mortality in this way. i was lying in bed the other night before eric got home from work and my heart started fluttering and it kinda hit me, just then. that my heart is only a thing. . . that can fail at anytime. . . and i am not promised another day. never have any of these things been so real to me. here i am, going about my daily life, worrying about the distant future while totally taking for granted the present. i don't know. . . i know there is probably nothing seriously wrong with me, but physically feeling my heart do something that i know that it's not really supposed to do, is rather startling. they are going to hook me up to this heart monitor thing for 24 hours and see what's going on . . . which makes me feel a whole lot better about my physical heart but as for my emotional heart . . .

i think today i got not only a literal heart check but figurative one too. one that shook up my everyday life and made me ask questions like, what am i doing today that will be remembered forever? what do i do on a daily basis that i can be proud of when i'm gone? if my heart stopped today, what would i have to offer to Jesus? would i be excited to see Him or ashamed?

maybe ( i know) i think too much about things like this but i can't help it (i'm creative!). this whole deal makes me feel so small. as if control isn't an option--like it is normally. what a tough way to learn my lesson! i've talked and talked about how i know in my head that i need to give up my battle to control everything around me but i just can't transfer that wisdom to my heart. maybe this is the way God has chosen to transplant this much needed head knowledge to my heart--literally.