detour

i got the job . . . i got the job! ! ! i got the job? ? ?

as i sit here and type tonight i am thoughtful, excited and scared. i can't believe that this is my last week as a stay at home mom. i can't beleive it. today i accepted a full time job as a receptionist at a company called kc store fixtures (not to worry i am still turning in my portfolio for k but am taking this job because it requires me to start monday). all day my mind has been reeling with this news. today i have questioned my motives more times than i can count. . . earlier i wasn't sure if i would really take the job--or even show up at the interview. good thing i caught myself just before i made either of those hasty decisions and realized that my fear should never (in this christian life) prohibit me from making any decision. and believe me--i have experienced more feelings of fear today than i have felt in a loooong time.

i was really beginning to think that i was making the wrong desision in taking the job--based only on the uneasy feeling in my tummy that i hadn't yet put a name on--until i read lyndsey's e-mail to me. in it she said--amidst many other words of encouragement--that stagnant is never good. that simple statement single handedly put a name on the feeling inside that i have been struggling with all day. that's when i finally acknowledged the fact that if i look into myself honestly i know that the name of what i have been feeling is
FEAR.

fear of a challenge. fear of good-byes. fear of hellos. fear of wasting my pick. fear of failure. fear of imperfection. fear of mistakes. fear of learning. fear of the unknown. fear of firsts. fear of lasts. fear of never agains. fear of CHANGE.


i know deep inside that the strong grip i have had on my stay at home momhood has not been motivated by God's direction as much as lexi's fear. part of me wants to act big and strong--like lexi does to hide--and say, " fear? ha! i don't fear anything. never had. never will." (just typing these words i am crying because of how much i am feeling right now. another thing that lexi doesn't do.)

in this whirlwind of emotions and fears i am forced to relinquish the driver's seat over to my Father. so He can guide me around all these roadblocks in order to follow His detour. because this is a detour. there i was going 70ish on "perfect american family parkway" when i saw the divine orange cones.

no second child. no more dispensable income.
no more perfect american family.

i'm sure that the detour will probably be the more scenic route--isn't it always? but the road is probably going to be bumpier. the ride definately won't be as smooth. will i get to where i need to go? of course. He wouldn't ever get me lost--He's the One who gave me directions out of there before. will i get to where i need to go? yeah, just a different way. is it a better way? probably from His view. Defiately not from mine-- not when i'm going 25 miles an hour on the highway and all i can see is big orange cones.