artistic impressions

aghh, i am so excited!!! i don't have anyone to share my news with right now so i'll just write about it instead. my wonderful aunt just called me and basically said that the company she works for, k&company, is looking for some artists!!! she wants me to put together a portfolio of my stuff for her to hand directly to kay. . .the kay as in k&company!!! this is a terrific company to work for and if i could do the kind of thing that i love everyday and get paid for it--how happy if would be!!! it is such a nervous excitement for me. i mean i don't have a portfolio, i need to put one together and it has to be perfect and . . . oh i am just tickled that someone who works in this business thinks that i would be great for this job! this is the kind of job that my hands were made to do! they give you a box of k's stuff and tell you to create! i so hope that this is in God's plan for my life. . .but

. . . it feels so weird when something good happens anymore. it's like i am looking around for someone poised and ready to crash my hopes. i feel like i've been taught that God works through the dissappointments in our lives. what about the good things? is He able to use those too? i am a little fearful to be excited for this job. is it odd that at a time of opportunity like this i am apprehesive that i won't get the blessing for no other reason than God primarily uses dissappiontments to build charecter?

i think it is the whole too good to be true thing. i just think . . . "boy it is fun to dream but these things never happen to me . . . don't get your hopes up lex". somewhere inside of me this attitude feels wrong. it seems too harsh. if God is the giver of every good gift why do i have this cynical feeling that He is holding out on me?

i pray that i can find the faith to beleive that God has the best possible job just waiting for me, and this may or may not be it. i pray that i can find the faith to leave this in God's hands and not take it into my own.

help me to beleive that, God. my faith is weak. . . that and i just really, really want this job.