His more-than-enough

so i'm having a bit of an ordinary day--i've had a bit of an ordinary week for that matter! i feel as if i'm unable to find inspiration in anything--however

fyi

i did get the results back from the dr on my heart test. he said everything's fine. i guess it's nothing more than a heart arrhythmia.

and

i have yet another job oppurtunity on the horizon. i met with the director of hillcrest ministries yesterday and it seems that they have a paying position opening in january--which is quite a ways off. the position would be a very active role in the community--which i am all about. this is one of those jobs that i would be willing to do without pay. . .which is most likely what i will be doing for the next few months. this is a job that means something--and that is precisly what lures me. if He wants this job to be the one i am convinced that He will make a way.
anyway...

so eric has been working alot this past week. i think that has probably contributed to my sour attitude. all that fills my head are thoughts of more. More time as a family, more time with just him, more intimate communication, more money, more stuff, more job options, more, more, more. my demandingness has been out of control this week. i choose to blame it on everything but the real problem--because of course i don't really like to look at that. however my quiet time this week has pushed me toward a soul mirror and i'm not liking much of what i see in my reflection.

let me explain . . . i read this passage last friday and it's been on my mind since.

--why is everyone hungry for more?
"more, more," they say. "more, more."
i have God's more-than-enough,
more joy in one ordinary day than they get in all thier shopping sprees.
at day's end i'm ready for sound sleep.
for you God, have put my life back together. ps 4:6-8--

i've wrestled with this truth all week and have finally come to conclude that i so indeed want to enjoy ordinary days. i too, want to expirience God's more-than-enough. . . but to be quite honest i only want it like i want everything else. i only want to add this divine "more" to my list of carnal "mores". because see, the one drawback here is that somewhere deep inside me i don't think that God's more-than-enough is really more-than-enough. somewhere inside i doubt that my soverign God can really make me happy--can really satisfy my soul. and on an everyday basis i outwardly display this dark doubt by turning to everything and everyone else for my satisfaction. even though i walk away from each attempt to aquire satisfaction from people and things, deeply and sorely dissappionted-- i just load up with more impossible expectations and try once again! i guess i've never really been opposed to banging my head against any barrier in my way !!! and that is exactly what i am doing when i refuse to consider alternate options. . . just banging my head on the door, demanding it open, instead of simply using the knob!

so i guess what this all means is that i really don't want to expirience God's more than enough. because every day that i refuse to seek God's more than enough and seek immediate gratification from things and people, i am making a choice not to expirience God's more than enough. what i really want to expirience is God's more than enough + lexi's more. and that just isn't going to work.

. . . what if i gave God the chance to show me His more-than-enough? what would that look like? would He make any ordinary day--a day like today, sing with promise? with joy even?