all things miraculous
j and i watched her birth movie today. wow . . .
oh, to see j so tiny like that! words don't do her justice . . . jaeda was adorable--in a very new born kind of way! she was simply sparkling with all things fresh and miraculous. . . and so pink and plump! ( to think that this string bean of a 3 year old once had dimples in her knees) reminising was so good for my soul. the video (surprise, surprise) brought tears to my eyes. it was soothing and upsetting--all at the same time.
the soothing part is a bit obvious. babies are such a great way to start people! i hope that the pure beauty of my newborn baby never deminishes in my eyes. having the technology to expirience my sacred first minutes as a mommy all over again is such an amazing gift. jaeda's first few moments of life are breathtaking. . . they soothed my soul and ironed out any wrinkle of a doubt i have about my mommyhood. it was so good to see how far we've all come, how much j's grown and how much more capable we are now vs. then!!!
as soothing as it was, it was at the same time startling to see my youth, my fears, and my anxiety all so clearly exposed on my face. i was 19. . . ! i had no idea what i was doing! i had no idea who i was or how to love someone beside myself. looking back, it's only by the grace of God that both my marriage and my child are still in tact!!! it was alarming to see how much i've changed in four short years. and eric too. we were so alone then--without God and without a community around us.
watching my first attempts at bonding with my daughter were heart wrenching. i just had no idea . . . i just sat and looked into her face for the longest time . . . and my exact thoughts i remember all too well. i was so scared--so, so, scared! and sad and happy and confused and very hormonal! it was healing to watch this intimate interaction captured on video. but healing hurts . . . so it was oh so painful to watch. there were so many emotions that were racing through my head when i first held my baby. . . i wept over the flashback but this time instead of feeling guilty or incompetent or fallen i just felt . . . grace.
the memory of my daughter's birthday holds many complex thoughts for me. thoughts that maybe can't be understood by others--even other mothers. i think it is so with anything miraculous. i think every mom has such a different birth circumstance and expirience that thoughts of her baby's birth are unexplainable to all others. it's a secret that we moms don't mean to keep it just happens that way. ( kind of like when you're pregnant and you ask every female you know, "what does a contraction feel like?" and no one has an answer. . . why they can't remember?!? and so many women say, "oh you'll know--you'll just know." then the time comes and--you know, boy do you!) the first few minutes of being a mommy are equally indescribable. so much happens in those first five minutes--falling in love yet it being unrequited, pain from the fall yet feeling invinsible, perfect yet overwhemlmingly so, altered unrepairably yet changed forever. it's kind of like a microwavable unconditional love! as different as the expirience is for each mom-- the joy, the pain, the doubt, are all intermingled in one emotion known as motherhood.
and i wouldn't trade it--any of it--for the world.
oh, to see j so tiny like that! words don't do her justice . . . jaeda was adorable--in a very new born kind of way! she was simply sparkling with all things fresh and miraculous. . . and so pink and plump! ( to think that this string bean of a 3 year old once had dimples in her knees) reminising was so good for my soul. the video (surprise, surprise) brought tears to my eyes. it was soothing and upsetting--all at the same time.
the soothing part is a bit obvious. babies are such a great way to start people! i hope that the pure beauty of my newborn baby never deminishes in my eyes. having the technology to expirience my sacred first minutes as a mommy all over again is such an amazing gift. jaeda's first few moments of life are breathtaking. . . they soothed my soul and ironed out any wrinkle of a doubt i have about my mommyhood. it was so good to see how far we've all come, how much j's grown and how much more capable we are now vs. then!!!
as soothing as it was, it was at the same time startling to see my youth, my fears, and my anxiety all so clearly exposed on my face. i was 19. . . ! i had no idea what i was doing! i had no idea who i was or how to love someone beside myself. looking back, it's only by the grace of God that both my marriage and my child are still in tact!!! it was alarming to see how much i've changed in four short years. and eric too. we were so alone then--without God and without a community around us.
watching my first attempts at bonding with my daughter were heart wrenching. i just had no idea . . . i just sat and looked into her face for the longest time . . . and my exact thoughts i remember all too well. i was so scared--so, so, scared! and sad and happy and confused and very hormonal! it was healing to watch this intimate interaction captured on video. but healing hurts . . . so it was oh so painful to watch. there were so many emotions that were racing through my head when i first held my baby. . . i wept over the flashback but this time instead of feeling guilty or incompetent or fallen i just felt . . . grace.
the memory of my daughter's birthday holds many complex thoughts for me. thoughts that maybe can't be understood by others--even other mothers. i think it is so with anything miraculous. i think every mom has such a different birth circumstance and expirience that thoughts of her baby's birth are unexplainable to all others. it's a secret that we moms don't mean to keep it just happens that way. ( kind of like when you're pregnant and you ask every female you know, "what does a contraction feel like?" and no one has an answer. . . why they can't remember?!? and so many women say, "oh you'll know--you'll just know." then the time comes and--you know, boy do you!) the first few minutes of being a mommy are equally indescribable. so much happens in those first five minutes--falling in love yet it being unrequited, pain from the fall yet feeling invinsible, perfect yet overwhemlmingly so, altered unrepairably yet changed forever. it's kind of like a microwavable unconditional love! as different as the expirience is for each mom-- the joy, the pain, the doubt, are all intermingled in one emotion known as motherhood.
and i wouldn't trade it--any of it--for the world.
posted by lexi | Monday, August 15, 2005
1 Comments:
Your words are so soft, wise and true, sister! I love the way you write and you make me ponder all day long! Thank you for the role you play in my life and the ways you make me look at myself all over again! Love you!
Post a Comment
<< Home