late last night while you were asleep

so i feel like a year has past since yesterday . . . i laid my head on the pillow last night and attempted to fall asleep for about 3 hours. it wasn't until about 2 am that i finally got to sleep. it wasn't until about 12:30 that it dawned on my that there may be a point to my sleeplessness! about then it occurred to me that God wanted to have one of His late night chats with me -- He just loves those you know. so i got up and spoke with Him. we hashed out my day, my job, my fears, my needs and my motives. i asked Him not to let me have peace enough to fall asleep until we had come to some kind of decision on this job . . . the one i accepted yesterday.

you may think i'm a little weird after you hear all of this and yesterday i may have cared, but so much happened inside me last night that i'm just going to trust that it all comes out okay. so here goes. . .

i feel like this last week--since becky and lynz and i had that conversation about getting out of God's way--that i really have. i've said to God--lead and i will follow. so this receptionist position came open, i interviewed yesterday and got it. and although i had a few misgivings to start with, i was going to start there monday . . . no questions asked. obviously these were the doors that God was opening and i was going to walk through them. we could use the immediate income and everything seemed to be falling into place--so why wouldn't i assume that this is the will of God? right? maybe i was a little too focused on getting out of His way because somewhere in the hustle and bustle of yesterday i forgot to talk to Him about it.

that is what happened last night. we talked and He basically said, this is not the one I have for you. i tried my hardest not to hear it because i got this job through an aquaintence at church and things would just be difficult to back out of now etc. . . but that is what He was communicating to me last night and i had no choice but to step off.

in a strange way i felt like God tested me yesterday like He tested Abraham on the mountain. He asked, "lexi will you really follow me blindly?" He got his answer by me accepting a job that i didn't really want and now He is saying, "okay now wait." i feel like He wanted to see if i was really listening to His quiet voice. i feel like last night during our midnight fight God told me that He has something else for me. call me crazy or whatever you will--i didn't hear an audible voice but rather a quiet stirring in my soul. and inside i know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is what God has for me today--not excepting the job with kc store fixtures but rather waiting on something else that only He knows of right now. and that is okay with me. it kinda has to be . . .

so i was kept up til all hours of the night last night with this confusing internal dialouge, but at 2 o'clock, i finally fell asleep--wrapped in the kind of peace that only God can provide. i woke up this morning and kept myself busy talking with lynz about my decision, sharing with eric about my talk with God last night and finally letting karla know that i prayerfully considered the job last night and God vetoed my pre-made decision. . . hmmmm. . .

i think solomon said the words that will conclude this post the best.

"trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He is the one who will keep you on track." prov 3:4-5

and that's what i'm aiming for . . . trusting and listening--while i stay out of His way.