dancing alone

i have spent the past month in careful dance of evasion. evasion of hurt, memories, arguments, God and even myself. it's been pretty ridicuous really. but i have just felt . . . blah. too blah to do anything but evade everything.

you know, i think that i was getting so close to getting the elusive spiritual "IT" ( as if it even exists) and the "IT" just turned out to be too much. so i backed off, and slowed down--well let's tell the truth now--i just stopped. stopped persuing why i do what i do, stopped persuing a healthy and authentic walk with Christ. i just stopped trying at all. the same way i walk out on a game when i am losing, the same way i childishly quit something when i feel am not getting fair treatment or the way i stop talking when i feel too . . . exposed. that's what happened. i quit. for all the same reasons i've ever quit.

and over the past few weeks i have attempted to jump start my walk with Christ with worship songs, devotions and new spiritual resolutions but i've gotten nowhere. it seems that i have danced this dance of evasion too long and gotten too good at it so that even as i once again try to connect with Christ-- my spirit is trying to evade whatever He needs me to see and understand in order for me to take another step.

it's like i just want to apologize to Him and go on, but He won't let it be that simple. there are people that i have hurt during my dance of evasion and He wants me to repair what i have broken. . .but i don't want to. i just want to say sorry and it all be okay . . . like i've always done. but this time it's different because i know better. . . but i am trying to convince my omnscient Father into thinking that i don't know better. . . and to grant me grace with no consequences.

i'm not sure if i have the courage right now to open my eyes to the disrepair that my heart has fallen into. the disrepair that i knowingly let it fall into. the disrepair that has perhaps hurt more than just me...hhhhhhhh.

there is this stubborn part of me that wants to continue my dance.

alone.

without anyone else. it seems simpler that way. not to need anyone. but i've been down that road and i know that dancing alone is as bad as drinking alone. there just isn't any place for it. my elusive dance around everything that matters--away from everyone that matters. it's like cancer for my soul. but my stubborn and God-forsaken flesh insists that i am okay this way--that i am better this way. i know that i am not better this way... i now know the satisfaction that lies in those strong arms . . . and i crave it.

a look inside is looming and i can't put it off any longer. my Father knows me too well. my Father loves me too much to let me dance alone. can i trust my Father to carry me through more hurt, unfairness, and exposure? can i take a deep breath and go at it again?

i think i have to. because i think i've passed the point of turning back. i can no longer survive without my Father's presence in my everyday life. there's something that runs in me so deep, this longing to make my Father proud. that longing is what pulls me back toward Him. pulls me back into His strong arms. His grace, His protection, His will.

my Father--He wants me to dance, but not alone . . . oh, and He wants to lead.