walking through life . . .

i've come to the conclusion that i am just a woman walking . . . walking through life. walking through the good and bad. walking down some new paths and some old. i've been walking for a while now and have picked up habits along the way. habits of walking fast and furiously through the bad things without even lifting my head. and skipping through the sunny parts, chin in the air. lately i've begun to take a peek at the scary things as i pass by them. looking at why they are so frightening and found that they don't scare me as much as they just expose my raw emotion. which may be even harder to handle than fear . . .


things are much more painful this way . . . actually walking through life feeling it. . . and feeling it hard. this has been a weekend of feelings. feeling joy. feeling proud. feeling embarrassed. feeling scared, feeling lead, feeling frustrated, feeling alone, feeling jealous, feeling happy, feeling out of place, feeling sorry, feeling overjoyed, feeling sympathetic, feeling estatic and feeling overwhelmed by all these feelings!!! yeah--wow--it's been one of those. not a bad weekend--not at all! just a very full one. . .


our friends and neighbors paul and lynz had their baby yesterday. it was beautiful watching the love story of their second born. i tell you--this boy has it all! "a day old and he's already so loved --and all the while he doesn't even know it." that's what his grandma v said to him anyway:) he is such a precious little pink one!!!!! a head full of dark hair, a pair of "huge" hands, and two feet as long as his little shins:)

it's always amazing isn't it? ? ?

i can't put a finger on the source of my tears last night. some them were tears of awe. . . awe of this miracle child and his strong mother. others of them were tears of memories, some of my own and some i can only dream of. some of them were tears simply for my friend and the pain she was in. there were still other tears that were tears for endings and beginnings--both equally beautiful.

this miracle of a son they have been given . . . wow. . . his newness takes my breath away. . . and though his presence fills my eyes with tears he also fills my heart with pride. He's 23 inches long!!!!!!! lynz is amazing:) it was amazing to be a part of it all . . . thanks guys!

as high as my night was last night, this morning was equally low.

church was a tough one today. it's funny--earlier this week i wrote all about how i loved our community and believed in it . . . this morning i proved just how much. we are reading this book for small group called everybody's normal until you get to know them . well--i'll put it this way, we finished the confrontation chapter of this book just in time!!! for me to use it anyway . . . a situation arose recently where i felt i was being called by God to act as someone's "nathan". well my "david" did not take my Godly admonishion as well as david did in the Bible! part of me is at peace with what happened . . . because i know that i went to this person in the right spirit. but there's this other feeling there that's completely foreign to me.

this feeling of sadness at their response.

i've never gone into a confronting situation with love in my heart. this time i did. but i found that the old way is much less painful! not at all God-lead but a flippin lot easier!!! hmmmm. . .there are so many weird feelings that come with doing it God's way. i espescially feel out of control. which is the point i have been striving to reach for so long but now that i am here (for a moment) it feels . . .

scary.

the path has been winding and uneven as i've walked it these past few days. but i continue to be a woman simply walking this path of life--a path so ridden with overwhelming feelings. ones that i am peeking through my fingers at--trying to slowly introduce myself to honest emotions. . .

emotions . . . well they're all here and they're all God's . . . because i can't handle them . . . and should've never tried!