i wish, i wish, i wish

because of you by kelly clarkson

i will not make the same mistakes that you did
i will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
i will not break the way you did you fell so hard
i learned the hard way to never to let it get that far

because of you i never strayed too far from the sidewalk
because of you i learned to play on the safe side so i don't get hurt
because of you i find it hard to trust, not only me, but everyone around me
because of you
i am afraid

i lose my way and it's not too long before you point it out
i cannot cry because i know that's weakness in your eyes
i'm forced to fake--a smile--a life--everyday of my life
my heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with

i watched you die
i heard you cry every night in your sleep
i was so young
you should have known better than to lean on me
you never thought of anyone else you just saw your pain
and now i cry in the middle of the night for the same damn thing

because of you i never strayed too far from the sidewalk
because of you i learned to play on the safe side so i don't get hurt
because of you i try my hardest just to forget everything
because of you i don't know how to let anyone else in
because of you i'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
because of you i am afraid
because of you


i wish that i could explain me and my mom as well as this song does.

memories from my childhood come in and out of my life like the sunshine that ever so often peeks through the autumn trees. but not in a good way. every once in a while i get a face full of these blinding memories that i would rather just forget about.

see, i sail through my life and trying to forget that i am any different than the average american family.

and then my mom will call.

crying.

again.

about some terrible man, or boss, or money situation. and i can hardly breathe while she bawls and tells me the half of the story that she wants me to hear.

i never know what to say.

then she proceeds to tell me how this is all my dad's fault. my dad who has been out of the picture for over 7 years. but somehow even today it's still his fault.

growing up with her was nothing but normal.

to me.

i mean when you're a kid and you don't know anything else, it's all "normal" right? up until my dad left things were crazy but controllable. then my dad tore up our life in a way that is unimaginable. i know she was devestated. i heard about it every night. i dealt with her while she cried and screamed. and then for a while didn't cry--which was even worse. i watched her walk through the toughest divorce imaginable. she wasn't a graceful divorcee. . . and for good reason. my dad had left us with nothing. he went to jail for unspeakable offenses and we were just left to deal.

my mom, a fifteen year old me, my two little sisters, and an unborn baby.

sometimes i think we did more dealing than she did. she stayed in her room for a year. she was in a terrible depression and i'll say it once more--for good reason. her life was ripped apart. but what about us? through all this she instilled things in me. the kind of things that this song talks about. fear. the inability to trust. staying safe relationally. not letting people in.

i feel i have, by grace only, moved on. learned to deal with the pain and hurt that came from my childhood. but everyday that i have to deal with my mother i deal with the same hurt as she had 7 years ago. just as fresh and deep as when i was 16 and she would come cry in my bed and ask me to be the strong one.

and yet her grip on my heart is iron, i can't get away from feeling every harsh word. or longing for a reassuring one. i continue to yearn for my mother's love and affection. sometimes i wish so hard that i could just let go. let go of all the feelings i have for her when i answer the phone to her. just so it wouldn't hurt so much when she calls only to tell me about her latest drama--or to ask me to babysit.

i wish.

i wish alot of things could have been different. but i refuse to become the martyr here--that is her role. i wish just for once i could take something to my mother and get love in return. maybe support. i wish for just a second that it could be about me and my problems or praises instead of hers. i wish that she could be proud of me. instead of jealous. or just quiet.

i wish.

i wish i had no reason to talk about my mom like this. i wish i could complain that she wanted more than her share of holidays or family pictures.

seeing this in black and white leaves me feeling so selfish--but i am so dissappionted. . .

these are the kind of dissappointments that i cannot give to Christ. i try. but i take them back. i think that somehow I can make this better. if i try harder. if i let my life be a witness to her. if i am kinder. if i could only get through to her!

i can't give these dissappiontments to God because that would mean that she really is just a bad mom. and that's not what i want. i want a good mom. i want an awesome grandmother for my daughter. so i keep trying. trying to fix her. trying to bandage up my dissappointment and act like someday soon it will all be okay. one day soon i'll get a call from her where she asks me out to coffee.

or to go shopping.
or to just talk.
about her and me.
or about my daughter.

i don't want to give her to God becuase that would mean giving up. giving up the idea that one day i'll have the mom i've always wanted.

oh how i wish . . .