with love, from a fellow beggar

"i could show up every sunday to lead the choir and bible study and they all might come to know me as a leader and as a friend."

"but if i do not love--i am nothing"

"if i can not love my brother then how can i love the one that lived his life for me?"

--ginny owens

so this weekend took everything out of me. i was trying sooooo hard.

to keep it all in. to keep it all together. to keep us all together. to keep in step with Him.

and after all my efforts, i walk away feeling empty. because it was all about me. about me trying--yes. but not about me LOVING. and LOVING is what He has called me to do. not the rest of the crap that i strive for day in and day out.

we like to make it so complex--don't we? i'd like to think there are a million things that he wants me to do. like go to candle parties, help people move, serve at church, listen to family, seek out seekers--the "to do for Jesus" list goes on and on. and it's all good. it really is. but to Him it sounds a bit like a clanging symbol--because i leave LOVE out of it all.

because, honestly, the LOVE part is the hard part. the LOVE part is the part that is not about me. the LOVE part is the part i am not capable of. the LOVE part is the uncomfortable part.

the part that's sticky.
that's involved.
the part that's the dirty work.

so instead i cross items off of my "to do" list. and don't get me wrong-- i do these things because they are right. i do them because i am called. i do them because i am attempting to mimic His life. but somewhere in the translation i have lost the LOVE. the LOVE that was the one guideline that He gave. the thing that is supposed to be the motivation behind it all. . .

if LOVE for Him--for them--for everyone i come across--was the driving force behind my service--I WOULD LOOK SO MUCH MORE LIKE HIM.

i believe that LOVE is the key to service. it's no longer a mystery to me, as it was last wednesday when we talked about serving at small group. i've discovered the answer. and although it seems small it is far from an easy one. ha! it's impossible for me.

without Him.
to love.
like that.

living in the shadow of the LOVE that He has shown me . . . that is what makes it all possible. if i live life on my knees. where i belong. than and only then can i mirror the kind of loving service that He has given me.

i am a beggar.

if that thought reverberated through my life like a reoccuring theme then and only then could i serve without cynicism. then could i seek out seekers without sighing. then and only then could i love every checker at wal-mart, every rude driver, every dramatic member of my needy family, every slow elderly man, every pimply brace faced high school kid.

then and only then could i serve like i have been served by Christ.

without counting the cost.

without looking at the clock.

without expecting a turn.

without needing a thank you or a little recognition.

this love. this is what i leave out. out of my relationship with others and out of my relationship with Christ. LOVE is the only reason i am redeemed. it's time i recognized that it is the unexplainable factor in the equation.

dirty sinner + x(LOVE) + pure and awesome God= forgivness

and how innapropriately forgiveness was poured out on my needy life.!!! how unnecessary was it for Him to gift me with grace? making it sooo necessary for me to regift this LOVE throughout my whole life. and what a miserable job i have done thus far!

oh, i have done so much that looks like i did it out of LOVE. but i went home and talked about how good i was. or how difficult they were. or how much it cost. and then it begins to look less and less like the ORIGINAL.

if i do not LOVE. i am nothing.

may i never get off these begging knees. . . may i stay here and serve those around me with nothing but LOVE.

i so love to throw rules and regulations out the window. please help me do it now Father! please help me throw all expectations out the window and only LOVE.

and nothing else.