may I have this dance?

i think i've got "it". the ellusive spiritual "it" that i've been searching for. and now i'm not sure i want "it". because getting "it" everyday--over and over again--is hard work!!!

God has been working in and around my life this past week. He has unveiled His "it" to me over some heartbreaking dissappiontments and i think i finally get "it".

i used the illustration a few weeks ago of me dancing alone. well at that point i was dancing alone by choice because i wasn't letting the usual people in on my little life-dance. because i have certain people that i ask to dance with me. and it never fails that they either don't want to dance or their style of dancing lets me down. are you following me? well my spiritual "it" is that as i beg others like my husband, my father, my mother, or my friends to dance with me. and while they fail me time and time again, God is waiting. waiting saying...

"may I have this dance for the rest of your life? may i swing you around and around once more?"

and i look at God and give His proposal the once over. and politely decline. and walk away in search of a dance partner.

why?

because, well--i've never seen Him dance.

who knows if He even has rythym?
who knows if we will be good together on the dance floor?
i've never danced with Him. i don't know His moves.
and although He looks as if He would be my ideal partner. i turn Him away. yet He follows me. letting me dance with others that maybe step on my toes. watching me get rejected by a potential partner. and then He says...

"may I have this dance? may I lead you across the floor. may I take your hand and spin you around and around once more. may I hold you close? before this season is through? may I have this dance with you?"

for once today i saw Him standing there. waiting...asking to be the partner in this dance that i've always longed for. asking me if He could have this dance--once again. but this time--for some reason, i said yes. i let go and He has swung me around the floor all week. and it's been exhilerating and scary and He is making me do and say things that make me feel incredibly naked and self conscious yet i can't help but crave the kind of wind we make together as He leads me across the floor. and He tells me He loves me. exactly the way i've needed to hear it my entire life.

so we dance. and we dance and i am getting a little worn out of all the dancing my poor feet--my heart needs a break. He is insistent on teaching me new moves. moves that are incredible but leave me feeling uncomfortable and inadequate. as He feels me pull away He draws me close again. and tells me all the things that i need to hear to go on.

what a dance! it's more amazing than i had ever dreamed! but "it" is hard. "it" is confusing. it's almost enough to make me quit. but it's intreaging. i can't stop because i've never felt like this before and i am scared that if i stop for just a moment--i could never feel Him like this again.

so on i go. letting Him spin me in ways that make me feel out of control. letting Him lift me in ways that make me feel silly. i don't stop now because i can't. because He is too much. He is too great. He makes me feel so beautiful. so nessesary. so wanted. all the things that dancing with others has never provided.