live generously

i'm silently hanging on to the hope i was given last week.

my grandmother passed away yesterday.

it's funny how sometimes i forget to turn to God in the times that most people automatically do. yesterday was a day spend managing my family, managing my fears and managing my tears. i really didn't let God into much of my day. sometimes i really think that if i can handle it i don't need to bother God by asking him for help. silly--i know.

i just feel kinda empty. like i have lost more than a grandmother but a sense of safety in my soul. she was always there. just always. to drop by on anytime. offering brownies, blow pops, pepsi, or homemade ice cream. we used to chat about the old movies she was always watching--she was in love with cary grant:) and she knew the passion i had for the beautiful audrey hepburn. and she never forgot a birthday. first thing--birthday morning--my whole life, i've run out to the mailbox because in it was a birthday card and $5. every time. if your birthday sucked and no one else remembered--she did. and holidays! we don't hve traditions aside for the ones she has made and kept! it's overwhelming to think of all the things that will change with her death. but...

i am happy for her. she is done with her calling here. she is "off to that better place". she did a great job. with all of us. i can't think of a better example of living generously. she has asked for donations to go to the cure for down's syndrome instead of flowers !!! wow ! she is still working at helping others even though she is gone. gone. gone.

she has created such an opportunity with her death. an opportunity for my family to come in contact with my church. with my faith. with my God. i am sooooo excited for what He has in store. i am just focusing on getting out of His way this weekend. there is obviously some work He is doing here and the last thing i want to do is mess it up. so...

pray that i continue to hear His voice and keep in step with His dance through this time. pray that i do no more or no less that He wants me to do or say during this time. pray that my family members are deeply and forever touched by this different funeral and memorial. pray that my family allows my awesome friends to serve them through this time. pray pray pray that i keep prayer first through this time and don't even attempt to make it managable for me.

pray that i live generously like she did.