laying on my back looking up

i am hurting. i am broken. and i think if i understand this right, this is where God wants me. but this is not where i want to be! God took something from me last night...something special and irreplacable. and because He does everything this way, i know He did it on purpose. and i am at this weird place right now...trying to figure out what in the world i am supposed to do with all of this now...

i feel like me and God, we are on the contruction site of my life and someone just ran a bulldozer over the beautiful stucture i just built and parts of it fell on me. so i am laying here, crushed, trying to figure out if i can get up--and build once again. i'm really not sure if i can stand on these two shaking legs and finish the project myself. i am bleeding all over myself and i only have two options, get up and finish the job or let God take it from here.

see, i think so far it has been me as the forman and God as the distant builder. He provides the funds and the direction--from afar. and i have the actual say in how it all really happens. i'm quite comfortable with this arrangement and i keep on building things of great significance...that He requires to be leveled, each and every time--because it is not what He had invisioned. this is the part of the job that is far beyond my understanding but hey--what can you do?

it is a bit of a disgruntling job, yes. but i am comfortable with the process. i can handle it. i am fairly confident that one day i will build something so great that He will be proud He will finally let it stand. i am bent on somehow talking the Boss into doing things my way. someday anyway.

but for now i am laying here, helpless and hurting.

i hate it when this happens!

and He chooses this time--of all times--to ask me to hand over the blueprints. He knows me too well. He knows that in any other position i would dismiss the idea in a rather smooth fashion. but well, i am currently laying on my back, injured. and He knows that i am just frustrated enough to consider his offer and hand it all over.

but i won't hand it over. i can't hand it over. if i'm not in charge, i don't know how this would work. really that's all that is holding me back from giving it all over to Him. i don't know what that would look like. it would look like change and change is never welcome in my life. especially this kind of blind change. i have no earthly idea how it would all work. soooo, i can't hand it over. this is my life after all.

so right now i feel like walking off the job.

i feel like saying screw this, i don't know why i am here anyway. working, working and working some more on this life. on this big pile of rubish that i keep building up and He keeps tearing down. so that i can rebuild--and He can tear down. i feel like saying, "if i can't be in charge i don't want this job."

right now i am hurting. i am broken. i think anyone looking in on this process must think that i am crazy. this project that i have committed to makes no earthly sense--but it is the only logic to the divine.

i am to the point in my walk where i understand what is being asked of me. and i just can't do it. i just don't want to do it. doing "it" would lead me down unfamiliar roads and it means turning my back on who i am. right now, honestly and proudly, i mean too much to me to just walk away from. i am not totally convcinced that i am what He says that i am. finding my only strengths in Him. and as i write this i feel terrible! i feel hypocritical. but it is honesty talking. this is the foundation of my problem. God has brought me to my knees and i am going to bite my lip and stand up if it is the last thing i do. because i think i am strong enough...which i know somewhere deep inside i am not but i really really want to be. i really think i am strong enough. that's why i won't let any of this go. that's why i won't let God lead. because i think i can. and if He won't let me than i quit.