selfish struggle

t here for a moment i was seeing God like i've never seen Him before. perhaps that was because i was walking with Him each day. i've been wondering why He has been so far away these past few days--although inside i know. i know that it is not Him that has moved.

it never is.

i've been frustrated with myself lately. frustrated that i can't turn my human nature off and love like Christ. God has sent me many, many, oportunities to show more of Him and less of me but i am infatuated with myself. i love me just a little too much to let me die. even if it is dying to self and living in Him. this sounds like a bunch of christian speak, i know. and i'm sorry. i am catching only glimpses of what is wrong with my heart right now. no that's a lie. i see exactly what is wrong with my heart and i am too proud to acknowledge that it is pride. so i am digging for something else to blame my sin on. perhaps something prettier. perhaps something smaller. maybe something more managable for me. . . just like always.

have i learned nothing? has He not shown himself to me time and time again? He has parted red seas in my life and still i don't listen--i don't obey. i worry and bitch about how my immediate needs aren't met. i am so like the stupid isrealites that i have never before understood. today i understand them only because i have become them.

it's kind of a long story. see, it kinda goes back to this. me and God have this thing. He teaches me through my "never's". and i have sooooo many never's. i said i would never be pregnant before i was married.

so high and mighty was i.

i said i would never keep the baby if i was. because there are too many parents out there that can't have children.

wasn't i good?

i said i'd never be a stay at home mom.

yet here i am.

God soooo loves taking my proud words and turning them around. to make me humbly acknowledge that He is God and i am not. that my best attempts at being good are so so dirty.

whew!!! are you following me? so ever since i was little i have heard these stories of the isrealites. the fools. they SAW God. and didn't beleive. they followed a leader that walked with God, and talked with God--face to face. and yet they doubted. they walked on a dry path that God cleared through what was minutes ago a rushing sea. they saw the angel of God holding up the tall waters and then letting them collide upon their enemies. and a day later they complained that they were thirsty and why didn't God give them some of that water to drink.

HA!

unbeleivable, these stupid people. i remember saying that if i had been guided by a cloud by day and a fire by night that i surely would have followed God whole heartedly and never ever turned away. yet here i stand. God having made himself so evident in my life, time and time again. yet i doubt. yet i am hesitant to follow. once again one of my never's has come back to haunt my life.

because he has performed signs and wonders in my life . . . like in the days of moses. and i act like i can't hear His call on my life. i act like i don't know the right thing to do or i am somehow incapable to do what He has called me to do. the God of the whole universe has taken the time to make himself known to me in my little life and i am unwilling to follow Him when He calls...because i am flawed. because i am proud. because i would loooove to believe that i am special. and when people trample over me i need to put up a fight. instead of what i hear Him calling me to do. which is love. just love.

i have made so many excuses in the past few days as to why i can't love my husband when He treats me less than the best. i have made up so many reasons why i can't and shouldn't have to love this pimply faced high school kid that tries his best to annoy me. during these times i see the desision before me to love God or love myself. and i choose to love myself. over and over and over and over and over . . .

i keep coming back to pride. i am so self absorbed. i think i am so special. . . . no one is allowed to trample on lexi. and if they do--they will pay. no one is allowed to hurt her feelings. no one is allowed to disagree or be better than her. and if they do . . . i am so self absorbed that i think i can hurt them as bad as they hurt me. . . yeah, take that.

i am special. i am special. i am special. i am special. i am special.

this is what i have told myself my whole life. i think at times i told myself this to survive. to keep going. because at times i felt that if i didn't beleive it than nobody would. i have kept this dangerous thought alive in my life through everything. i have lived my life looking down on others so that i could survive. so i could win. i could have someone. and as i look around i have created this world that is so completely self serving. i've discovered that after all is said and done the only person left standing is me. after i belittle everyone else or use them to make me feel better about being me--i have no one. there is not one relationship in my life that doesn't fit in this catagory. i love others only if they love me or make me feel loved.

meanwhile God is calling me to love others and take a step outside of loving myself and i say no. a definate no. a proud no. if loving others means i have to deprive myself of love than count me out God. that is what i say everyday when i can't love kids like He tells me to. when i can't go to sleep without chewing eric out about how many ways he failed in loving me today. that is what i say when God asks me to follow Him. i say no. i just say no.

i can't put me down to love Him. no, not that i can't. i think i can't. i think i need to stay on my side or i'll fall apart. if i don't love me than who will? and here is where i am the isrealites. the stupid stupid isrealites. i have seen God, heard God, and felt God and i don't trust that He loves me better than anyone could--including myself.

He has parted the red sea to rescue me and i would still rather insist that this is something that i can handle better on my own.
like the isrealites i have built a god. an idol. and that idol is me. that idol is me. . .


so i don't know if i've done this right. i don't know how this all sounds. these word-- all these words have just poured out of me today. i don't know what i've said. i don't know what i've left out. i have just put it all out here. in black and white. to see exactly how i am breaking my Father's heart.