the waiting game

i feel like God is waiting to see if i am waiting . if He just flooded in with answers and guidence right now, i would not have changed, i would not have learned to wait and trust without the answers, and without a road map for the future...

...i want to be different before i do anything different. so i'm waiting for God and God is waiting for me to see if i am really waiting for Him and not just wanting things from Him. and as God and i eyeball each other in this way, i feel good. i feel alive and engaged with what matters and i'm going to win this waiting game with God.

--pete greig in red moon rising

vulnerbility

"Ring the bells that still can ring, forget your perfect offering,
there is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in".
--leonard cohen

running...

hanging by a moment--lifehouse

desperate for changing
starving for truth
closer to where i started
in chasing after you

i'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all i've held onto
i'm standing here until you make me move
i'm hanging by a moment here with you

forgeting all i'm lacking
completely incomplete
i'll take your invitation
you take all of me

i'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all i've held onto
i'm standing here until you make me move
i'm hanging by a moment here with you

i'm living for the only thing i know
i'm running and not quite sure where to go
i don't know what i'm diving into
i'm hanging by a moment here with you

there's nothing else to lose
there's nothing else to find
there's nothing in the world
that could change my mind
there is nothing else
there is nothing else
there is nothing else

desperate for changing
starving for truth
i'm closer to where i started
in chasing after you

just hanging by a moment here with you

one of my favorite songs ever. exactly where i'm at today--

"running and not quite sure where to go".

listening...

my journey has halted as i listen and pray listen and pray...all the while becoming less and less satisfied with just living and desperately want to lose my life for Him....don't know how, don't know what that looks like, but have a "feeling" that He is calling me to do something with 24-7. don't know...don't need to know...just need to listen...listen...listen and then i read...

God Bee Good Honey + a believing multitude say " God, be good to me & forgive my sins" - but - the disciple says "God, be good to me, be good through me, forgive my sins & eradicate my sins".

while the one side first says "to me be the better" - the other first says "to God be the glory".

while one says, "i am just a mere man" - the other, acknowledging weakness, goes on to say "i am the light of the world...an emissary of change".

the many see that there are many commands - the disciples see only two.

the believing multitude live in the light of God's love while largely living for themselves - the disciples live in the light of God's love while largely living for Christ ...& those for whom he died.

one group knows Jesus as the way - the others, know him as their life.

while most believers live seeking first to better their lives with God's help - disciples live seeking first to lose their lives for God's sake...

and that makes all the difference. the uprising

speak! i am listening. . .

eyes of the hurricane

my friend rita

i was having lunch at the relief tent in new orleans last saturday--beginning to grow calloused to the people and their stories--when she walked into my life and asked for the chair across from me. me and two of my crossings kiddos welcomed her and her husband to sit and eat with us. we were eating something like chef boyardee ravioli with rotel in it. i was trying to cough it down--feeling spoiled and guilty for wanting mcdonald's instead until she started talking. . .

telling story after story, full of nice people, kind hearts and helpful 'african americans' :) she was from a different place--a different time. a place and time i would pay to go if there were more people like her there.

they were elderly, the two of them. i'm guessing mid 80's. her voice was high and fragile as she spoke to us about her long life and beautiful marriage. her face was full of sweet smiles, her eyes full of tears as she told us her katrina story. as she recounted all the places that she and her husband tony stayed since the hurricane, i decided she was the love of my life. she was a vision, that little rita--all of 4 foot 9, watery blue eyes, soft box dyed red hair. she was the kind of grandmother that i read about in storybooks...and just the kind of woman to pause her all important engagment story to ask her husband of 60 years which kind of chips he prefers...and his soul, matching hers perfectly, begs her to choose...

i was under her spell in no time. i felt like i had always known her--always loved her.

as me and tony--her husband--began to talk, i discovered i liked him just as well. although he didn't have near as many stories to tell, he listened to all of hers with such commitment--as if it were the first time he had heard her speak of the subject.

as rita and tony told us their stories we listened authentic interest. rita has a way of capturing your soul in the first 5 minutes and everything she says from there on out is of particular interest because you love her and want to know her and help her...and you just want to listen so well that maybe she will love you like all the other kind and generous people in her stories.

after lunching with rita and tony--kyle, morgan and i had the urge to do something for them. because we knew their life story now, we knew that their house had already been gutted and they were on their way to sweep it out. we could not let the two of them do such a thing so we voluteered to help. rita started crying at our suggestion, therefore so did we...even kyle...a 16 year old cool kid. after awhile kyle was begging rita not to cry because that would mean he would have to also...

we followed rita and tony to their home of 39 years. they never had any children but rita said they'd love to adopt all of us young people that restored her hope in the upcoming generation. she was amazingly sweet and wonderful and charming and...

we got the grand tour through their once beautiful double door brick home. as we stared silently at the bare rafters and concrete floors that once was their home it was easy to imagine rita baking in the kitchen and tony reading the paper in the den. it was unspeakably sad to see them, know them, and concieve of their loss.

the three of us young folks swept out their house in 2 hours. a job that would have easily taken them 6 or more. it was funny. i think we felt privilidged to be a part of their lives. felt priviledged to be in the presence of rita, no matter what we were doing.

we waved goodbye to the two of them, after pictures hugs and many tears on rita's part. kyle hugged her and told her that he had no idea he was going to come to new orleans and fall in love with a little old lady...rita just smiled that sweet smile of hers and hugged him extra tight. i said goodbye as if i had known her my whole life and in a way i have...she is who i've always wanted to be.

so the two of them loaded up in their buick, windows down and waving as she yelled,

"save some sweeping for me!"

so she was in the car and came back the house for no particular reason except for me to say, "rita, i wish i had a grandma just like you..." to which she responded, "if i had a grandaughter i wish you were she."

i cried.

i want to be rita one day.

i want my life to be so full of Christ's light that no one can meet me without

feeling loved--

being loved--

knowing love.

grace

the word grace rings in my head since returning from nola. this song sings my thoughts...

only grace--matt west

there is no guilt here
there is no shame
no pointing fingers
there is no blame
what happened yesterday
has dissappeared

there's only grace
there's only love
there's only mercy and beleiving it's enough
your sins are gone
without a trace
there's nothing left now
there's only grace

your starting over now
under God's Son
your stepping forward now
a new life has begun
your new life has begun

there's only grace
there's only love
there's only mercy and beleiving it's enough
your sins are gone
without a trace
there's nothing left now
there's only grace

and if you should fall again
get back up
get back up
reach aout and take my hand
get back up
get back up
get back up again

there's only grace
there's only love
there's only mercy and beleive me it's enough
your sins are gone
without a trace
and there's nothing left now
there's only grace

leaving new orleans

you can't expierience the power of God without risking something of yourself in the process...--john fisher

faith packed my bags and i headed south to NOLA for four nights and five days. we took 14 kids and 8 adults. aside from these simple logistics, everything else that happened on this trip is unexplainable...there are no words...but i'll waste some anyway...

upon leaving new orleans i have this God flurry in my soul. this ache of excitment that just won't go away. God is moving--God is working.

He wants to continue this risk taking, weakness leading, God-dependent adventure

right here in liberty MO. he doesn't want me to leave new orleans behind--He wants me to take a part of what happened last week with me always. He wants my new orleans expirience to change me forever. He is pushing and prodding me to make this movement bigger than just this last week. He wants my life to be a mission trip. He wants the lives around me to subscribe to this passion and i can't explain it i can only feel it...

if i could list the things i learned this week...if i could only show you the faces of the people that taught me so much. the names of those that God used to challenge me. the obstacles that He overcame while i simply watched. the obedience that took the place of my emotions. if i could only tell you these things and somehow you get "it". but i can't...

each of us must embark on our own risk taking, Christ honoring, flesh weak adventure.

i can feel this deep stirring inside me...and yet i know

this kind of movement cannot be passed on by mouth, it is only contagious by life.

if somehow i can pass on this passion not by mere words but by my life than
God is honored.

and that's all i want anymore. . . for God to be honored.

i have come that they might have life and that they might have it more abundantly--jesus

i now know what He means by life abundantly--and upon leaving NOLA i refuse to live any other way.

faith packed bags

less than five minutes after that last post i got the phone call i needed to secure our accomodations in new orleans... isn't HE amazing? later last night we secured transportation. God knew what was going to happen the whole time...why should i be surprised?!?

we are going to NOLA!!!

faith shoulda packed my bags days ago.

someday soon i won't need a phone call to tell me that God has already provided... He has provided in front of me and behind me--i just need to learn to walk somewhere in the middle...

the waiting place

i feel like i am in "the waiting place".

i've been here a bunch of times, i'm sure you have too. most of the time when i find myself here i am far too agitated to take the time to look around. today i find myself sitting on a pile of lost and forsaken things--i've been here for days, waiting for my ticket to be called. this time i know and trust that may name is coming up sometime soon. instead of wasting my time sending annoyed glances at the receptionist here, i've decided to try something new. somehow in the all the waiting and staying i've found hope enough to dig through the rubbish around me (something that is rarely done here) and i've found a bit of truth that i've never seen here before. although i don't know how...

here it is. take it for what it's worth. in this place it means everything--i'm not sure of it's value on the outside but ...

i actually know the One that is calling the tickets here in the waiting place...and it definetly helps that He calls me daughter. it helps that i know He has my best in mind. usually when i am here i am angry and impatient, too much so to see the graffiti on the walls around that says,

It is impossible for that man to despair who remembers that his Helper is omnipotent. -- Jeremy Taylor

i think i get that....finally. and i think i am actually beginning to beleive it. could it be?

waiting has never been something i'm good at. as a matter of fact if i could only use five words to describe myself one of them would be impatient!!!

but regardless God has me in this wonderful waiting place today...and yesterday...and the day before... waiting for the signal that this new orleans trip is really supposed to happen...because all signs are currently pointing in the other direction.

i am waiting along with 21 others for

transportation...

&

accommodations...

both of which we once had and then...didn't.

this trip has been planned for sometime now. vans donated and checked out, people called and reservations made. and it's like in the past few days everything has crumbled. the church van won't make the trip. my tent city contact won't call me back with secure information on our accomodations.

it's funny, in the midst of it all--trying to make new plans, secure different cars, go through a different charity operation, while taking care of my sick baby neice...i've found peace. i think normally i would be a wreck right now. i think normally this project would belong to me, be a reflection of me...and not God. well this time it's just different...

this time i know He is not only behind this but in front and on the side and in the midst of it all...and i can rest in that.

i can find peace in that.

one ordinary day

money, money, money.

i hate money.

hate that it has such a hold on my world. my loved ones. and me.

money has been a little tight lately. and everyone knows when money is tight you think about it more.

i am one of the richest people in the world--because i live in the US and own a car--(well pay on a car) and it isn't enough. it would be enough if i looked a little closer at my needs vs. my material american wants, but i walk through target (my equivalent of veggietales stuffmart) and AHHHHHHH i want one of everything! i can rationalize that i need one of everything. until i think about how i just bought my child more spring clothes than some kids own in their life.

psalm4:6-8
why is everyone hungry for more?
"more, more," they say.
"more, more".
i have God's more than enough,
more joy in one ordinary day,
then they get in all of their shopping sprees.
at day's end i'm ready for sound sleep.
for you God,
have put my life back together.

i only wish my life reflected this prayer.

let me be reminded of His more than enough which is more important than a bigger house or an american dream accomplished or all the money in the world.

i want to have one of david's "ordinary days" full of joy. i want to live one ordinary life full of joy simply because He put it all back together.

the height of my imperfection

take me away--lifehouse

this time--
all i want is you--
there is no one else--
who can take your place.

this time--
you burn me with your eyes--
you see past all the lies--
you take it all away.

i've seen it all and it's never enough--
it keeps leaving me with you.

take me away--
take me away--
i've got nothing left to say--
just take me away.

i try--
to make my way to you--
i still have fears so large--
i don't know what to say and do.

i've seen it all--
and it's never enough--
it keeps leaving me needing you.

take me away--
take me away--
i've got nothing left to say--
just take me away.

don't give up on me yet--
don't forget--
who i am.

i know i'm not there yet--
but don't let me say here alone.

this time--
all i want is you--
there is no one else--
who can take your place.

i've seen enough and it's never enough--
it keeps leaving me needing you.

take me away--
take me away--
i've got nothing left to say--
just take me away.

music always finds it's way to the core of my struggles. helping me take steps toward the softness that i need to change--to grow.

music, art, and poetry.

there is something about these three that speaks to the soul. it is no accident that so much of the Bible, God's autobiography, includes these things. our hearts don't speak in formulas or step by step programs. our hearts speak in song, in beauty and in naked words. God knows that--because He made us this way.

this particular song reminds me of so many of david's tunes in psalms. it's is a desperate cry for God's presence. for His mercy. for His wholeness.

lately life has been a struggle. as it always is when one is attemting to be a follower of Christ instead of just a listener.


i have questioned--i have cried--and it all comes back to me trying it all and it not being enough, leaving me to need Him all the more.


turning the Father in the midst of the storm is such a relief. such a relief. His love, His grace, His strength, just takes me away. away from the hurt--away from the pain. it's awesome to actually miss Him. long for Him even. for His welcoming arms to just...

hold me in the height of my imperfection.

galaxies wide

my love for you hasn't grown cold
by bethany dillon

You shake your head
What is so hard to believe?
When you are in your bed
I sing over you the sweetest things

Because oh,
my love does not tire
I'm awake when the moon is full
And I know the times
when you feel lost
And you just aren't sure

Lo and behold
My love hasn't grown cold
For you

You could steal away in the middle of the night
And hide in the light of day
While you cloak yourself in the darkest lies

But oh my love,
it swims in the deepest oceans of fear
and as soon as you lower your head
i am here

Lo and behold
My love hasn't grown cold
For you

If only you could see
How heaven stills when you speak
I know all your days
And I have wrapped you in mystery

And oh, my love for you
Is as wide as the galaxies
Just hold out your hand
and close your eyes
And come be with me

Lo and behold
My love hasn't grown cold
For you

i have been searching my whole life long, to be loved like this.
to be loved like my Father loves me. someone to sing over me as i sleep. someone who loves me no matter where i hide or what i do. all i have to do is close my eyes and i am in His presence. in the presence of the one that love me galaxies wide... i have so many thoughts that stream from this one truth.

the first of which is i don't deserve this kind of love. my heart is warmed at the thought of actually having a Father who thinks of me this way. my Father is someone i can brag on, someone i can walk with and someone i can rest in. i don't have to impress Him. He loves me for me. if i could rest in that daily and put down all the things i inwardly and outwardly cling to for strength...

the second thought is in direct conflict to the former. although i say i don't deserve His love there must be some part of me that beleives that i do deserve it. deep down i think i beleive that me and those i love deserve His love. me, mandy, eric, lynz, jaeda, mom, ky, vannah, jason, sara, joey, shayla, brian, shanna, rhonda, joel....

because the part where this thought starts to get complicated is when i think about people like the incredibly lost and annoying partylight consultant lisa that i met this weekend.

God's love for her never grows cold.

and this is the one that i am particularly baffled by. this lady was incredible. it was like she was from a different country. she was totally and completely unlovable. but presicely the kind of person that Jesus would have talked to if He were here today. and as she stood in my best friend's livingroom fighting with her daughter in front of perfect stangers that were supposed to be her customers there was not another thought in my mind beside--this poor woman needs jesus.

maybe a little more obviously than most of us but not any more desperately.

God, my Father, loves this woman. He sings over her in her sleep. He also loves her galaxies wide. and this is truly baffling to me. if i truly beleived that i was as undeserving of His love as the next lost person i think i would have much more sympathy for the lisa's in my life.

i must come to terms with the fact that He loves the unlovable, and i am very much one of them.

this song is beautiful and meloncholy and thought provoking. thanks for the recommandation sara!