grass and sky

i am feeling a bit quiet this morning. quiet in Him. He is so big to me right now. so very big and terrifiying.

this thought will probably sound a bit crazy--but that's hardly new on my blog:) i think the idea gets lost in my poor translation but i'll do my best to write down my thoughts as they appear in my head.

the past few nights when i lay down to go to sleep or when i have a rare quiet moment during the day, a certain thought enters my mind. the same thought time and time again. it excites me and overwhelmes me, scares me and warms me.

i get this picture of me laying on my back looking up at the sky. the sky is blue and brilliant. the white clouds above me are swirling with energy and i feel the full power of His presence. i am laying there, looking up at the God of all creation. basically it is just Him and me. no trees or powerlines to block my view. there is nothing as far as my eye can see. nothing beside sky and ground, Him and me.

nothing else.

and i am scared. i am left feeling so very small and insignificant. it feels like i am everything and i am nothing. i feel so conflicted. like this is the only life i have so what i do with it is supremely important but on the other hand i know that my life is nothing. as these feelings swarm inside me i get a powerful feeling of urgency. like He is watching. like He is waiting. watching and waiting for me to listen and to follow Him. then all the sudden i am overwhelmed by His grandeur and the FOREVER quality that this thought has to it. and i push it all out of my head. replacing this big thought with silly small ones.

when this laying-in-the-grass thought comes to my mind i feel i am being transported to the age of 9. when i would lay in my bottom bunk bed trying to figure out forever and who made God and all the rest of those puzzling mortal questions that would scare the crap out me as a kid!

i think God is trying to speak to me through all this. but i am too afraid of His bigness to listen so i look away. why when the God of all creation is trying to get my attention do i ignore His efforts? who do i think i am?

if i really really believed in His bigness--in His reality--wouldn't i be hanging onto His every word?

shouldn't my life be nothing but a reflection of the belief i have in this big big God?

my life doesn't match what i say.

my life stills reads as if i am god and he is not.

maybe that's why i'm scared.