playing life. . .

the other morning before preschool jaeda was on her floor playing barbies. it was about 10 til the time we needed to walk out the door and i was deeply fixed on getting everything together in order to make that happen. it was beginning to look like we were either going to be late or not go at all. i poked my head in j's room and asked her to put her shoes and socks on and then went in to the kitchen to clean up after breakfast. there must have been something lost in translation because jaeda did not put her shoes on like i asked. so i went back in and told her once again. she was deeply engrossed in her barbie play and tried to ignore my words. i then spoke up so she could better hear my words and break her from this barbie trance--yeah that didn't work either. so i sat down beside her and quickly helped her put her shoes on.

the biggest fit ever ensued.

"you're not fair, mommy! i was playing barbies! i don't want to put my shoes on. why do i have to put my shoes on? that's not fair! you knocked over my barbie's house! you're not fair!"

on and on it went--and boy it went far! she was kicking and screaming. unable to see the bigger picture. unable to see how it really was perfectly fair to ask her to put her shoes on-- in light of the fact that we were supposed to be somewhere in like seven minutes. somewhere she liked to go even! but she was so into what she was doing, a kind of alternate pretend barbie life that she couldn't see what was nessesary for the moment in the real world.

jaeda and i are so alike. the jaeda in my story is the me in God's tale. His ways don't look fair to me. because i am so engrossed in doing my own thing. somewhere in that big book He said i should be like a child--and i am. but i'm not sure if it's the way that He meant. . .

i've been struggling with the idea of God being fair, and good and right. in order for me to beleive in God at all i must believe these three things. trust that He is these three things. but because i have made God out to be someone a little different than who He really is, He is going back and helping me ammend the mistakes in His profile.

so He has brought some unfairness into my life. in the whole scope of things it's really not that big of a deal. but it is to me. but this issue, as small as it may be, has brought these extreme feelings of anger toward God. since becoming a christian i tend to look the other way from unfair things. and by this i mean the terribly unfair. the starving, the abused, the hopeless, the poor, the murdered . . . the unfair list goes on and on. and i look the other way when these issues come up--because i have such a hard time beleiving in God and beleiving that He let these things happen. i know that if i look at these things my journey will go on a downward spiral.


if He really can do anything why doesn't He stop something?


this has been in my head these past few days as i've attemped to move through life without my Father. can i just add that the past week has totally sucked? there has been no light in my life and i can feel it. the people around me can feel it. i don't like myself without the Father shining through me daily. i don't like myself at all . . .

anyway, i have wrestled and i have cried the past few days over the injustices that i see in this world. i can't grasp why God wouldn't possibly help the hopeless, feed the hungry and create peace for the war torn. i don't understand His ways--i know that. but i miss Him. i miss His presence in my life, i miss His addition counteracting my subtraction. i miss the way He helped my love people and i miss the quiet tug on my soul. it's like i turned my back and started running the opposite way just as i started seeing the lines in His face. and i miss it like i've never missed it before.

I am a child--i can't understand but i MUST listen and obey. i must tear myself from my little life that i am playing long enough to catch a glimpse into his life, into THE LIFE. i'm trying. i am trying to trust and obey. beleive and hope. and that is a step back on the path at least.

above all i need to stop looking around at my life and start seeing things through THE LIFE! because just like jaeda and her barbies i am too often to engrossed in my own alternate reality instead of living everyday in the shadow of His reality.