walking away from the sun

in the past few weeks i have lived with a bigger God. a daily God. a very real and earthshaking God. this i have never done nor sought to do. God has been, you know just God in my previous existance. but my recent trust stuggles have lead me to this place where i've really been fully relying on Him for everything. it's been unspeakably amazing. and i'm left to wonder why i didn't do this before? find my worth and my ressurance in Him?

well throughout the journey there are highs and there are lows. as the highs get higher the lows get lower. after standing so close to the sun when the sunset comes it leaves me bereft of all warmth, of all comfort. and i miss it. and i long for it--for HIM.

so my sun dissapeared last tuesday.

it began as a terrific night, it felt like christmas eve all over again. you know that butterfly in your stomach anticipation? there was excitement in the air at our house because mireya was to be born the next day. my little sis, ky--that lives with us-- had a scheduled induction for early wednesday morning. this stubborn little baby that she had so long been carrying was about a week late so we were more than ready for this little one to make her appearance. and ky was readiest of all!!!

well on tuesday my cycle was 5 days late. when this happens i am anxious. it's all i can think about. i start dreaming and imagining to extents that just aren't healthy after trying for almost two years to produce another child. i have taken more negative pregnancy tests in the past 2 years than any woman should ever have to take. what i am trying to say is that i have the whole peeing on the stick thing down! we had an extra pregnancy test under the cabinet and i thought,

"hey, i might as well take the thing and get a negitive read so that all day tomorrow i won't be thinking about me, as ky labors, and i can just put the thought out of my head."

that really was my reasoning for taking the test. just to see a negitive read. the negative reads aren't as painful as they used to be. at first it hurt really bad to see only one line show up, now it's kind of a dull ache and then relief from all the hoping and not knowing.

and i must say that i have finally come to the place where i trust that if God wants us to have more children then it will happen. like it happenned for sarah, rachel and hannah. believe me i have wrestled with this. night after night, baby shower after baby shower. i really have found peace in the fact that He's got it covered, either way. that doesn't mean that when i am late for my period i am any less hopeful. but it does means that i'm no longer angry with Him for the second time infertility that He has laid in our family's path. i hope that makes sense.

anyway so i decide to take the test, flippantly almost. kinda like just get it over with so i know. so i proceed to do the norm. . .

pee on the stick.
leave the room.
come back in a few minutes later.
look at the test.

look at the test again.

look at the test again. and start to get my hopes up.

there were two lines on the test.

TWO LINES!

because this test was sitting under the sink minus the box, which had the directions and the KEY on it, i started to panic. "stay calm, stay calm. it's probably a different kind of test, lexi." i looked feverishly for the box to tell me what in the world a positive pregnancy read should look like--all the while my heart is singing,

"two lines! two lines! two lines means pregnant! two lines means pregnant!"

in an attempt to calm myself back into reality i called my friend lynz. i told her i was in a weird place, that i had two lines show up on a pregnancy test but i didn't have the key. she googled it and google said that two lines means pregnant. as soon as i heard that google said it than the butterflies in my tummy started going wild! but i told lynz not to let me get excited, not to let me get excited. although i was pretty much all ready to send out shower announcements in my head. trust me, i am a dreamer. and i am a fast dreamer! i already had the baby's room decorated in my head when we hung up the phone and we were only on the phone for 2 minutes...i then called eric to tell him to pick me up a pregnancy test as i didn't know if i could beleive the two lines on the one in front of me. i told him not to get his hopes up, all the while trying to play down the fact that i was so awesomely excited that this could be true. i hung up with him and called lynz back and attempted to verbally settle myself down by saying things like,

"this is stupid. it's not positive. i know it's not. don't let me get excited. don't let me get excited!"

i began to look under the cabinet for the box once again and found the little instructional pamphlet.

i wish i hadn't.

for 5 minutes i thought the test had a slim chance of being positive. then i took one wild glance at the pamphlet and amidst the hopes swarming in my head i read that two lines was positive!

there are no words to describe what i felt in those two seconds that i thought we was going to have a baby. . .

. . . then i managed to read it again rationally and realized that--

i had read it wrong.

three lines means pregnant. three lines. since when does three lines mean pregnant? i've taken alot of tests and had never seen anything but two lines mean pregnant . . . i finally got two and now it takes three.

i was still on the phone with lynz, ky was sitting expectantly on the bed in front of me. and i fell apart. i was trying to hold it together so that ky wouldn't think i was trying to make her baby's eve all about me. so that lynz wouldn't think i was wacky. so that i wouldn't feel so sorely dissappionted. i tryed to hold it together. but i couldn't even talk. i couldn't even move. i went from logical, to hopeful, to hurt, to angry. angry is where i am most comfortable. and angry is where i have stayed for the past few days.

i feel so incredibly angry that God would let it play out like that. i feel betrayed by a friend that i had finally come to trust. it's like when you get in trouble for trying to do something right. it feels unjust and it stings and you feel stupid. i have been walking and talking to this God for the past month. i have been learning to trust this God with everything i have. i have based all of that trust on the fact that He is the only one that cannot let me down and i feel like He did. i feel like He did . . .

i don't know why this is such a stumbling block for me. if i really trust Him i should trust that He did this for a reason. the same reason that He does everything else in my life. to draw me closer to Him. but i can't do that right now.

it's not about the negitive test as much as it is that He let it all happen that way. it's not that i don't trust Him to bring me a child when He is ready. i just feel like He let me get my hopes up to let me fall even harder. just one more shattered dream when i feel it didn't have to be. i could have just taken another two line pregnancy test and i wouldn't be spiraling like this. i would have seen the no baby line, briefly felt the no baby line and then gone about my business like i've done every other time. was it really nessecary? was it?

it seems mean to me. it seems heartless. so for the past two days i've cried. cried over everything and cried over nothing. after walking so close to the sun now that i am walking away into the shade i feel self conscious. i feel dissappionted. i feel scared. i feel alone and i feel cold.
not cold enough yet to walk back into the warmth of His rays. not until i can better understand why this all happenned. this thing that seemingly means nothing, means everything to me. it's not a baby thing. it's a trust thing. and i am trying to wrap my head around it and i can't.

i just can't.