i run in circles . . .

i'm convinced that i walk this life in circles. always walking yet always seeming to find myself in the same place over and over and over again. i hate the monotony. i hate the stubborn heart i have that makes walking in circles nessesary for me to learn anything! i hate hate hate that this means that i didn't learn the lesson the first time around so He had to run it by me again...

i'm not sure where my story starts. the moral to this story seems to have an never ending quality to it. it is relevant as far back as i can see...

i think this chapter in the story started last night. last night was basketball night. it's something new we just got together. a bunch of us women just started playing basketball on sunday nights. it's really kinda cool. i feel a bit proud of us because although we are a bunch of out of shape women, we are holding onto something that we love. too many times we over look these things in the midst of jobs, kids, and lives. it's such a great outlet for those of us women that are always dropping our hobbies in order to be more responsible. plus we've kinda made it an outreach thing. that's what it was supposed to be anyway...so we bought the court opposite where our husbands play and it has been awesome. but last night it got kinda out of control.

see, all the sudden a bunch more guys started to show up to play on the other court and last night they asked us girls to play half court so that the guys could have one and a half courts. well i felt my pride was being stomped on and i got pretty upset. not to get into the nitty gritty but some of the guys that wanted to kick us off of our court hadn't chipped in for the rental of the facility at all and we had. . . and that's where it started to get ugly. ugly on the girls side and ugly on the boys side. because the guys that had paid were all pissed off that there were all these new guys stealing their court time, etc. one particular guy brought like 2 friends making it 23 guys playing on 1 court plus half of ours.

needless to say as soon as we got in the car me and lynz started bitching about how we got kicked off of our court because we were girls and just how unfair that was. our husbands in turn were mad that all these new guys showed up and they didn't get to play as much as they would have liked and i bet you could guess about how our drive home sounded . . . probably alot like that clanging symbol paul talks about to the corinthians...

skip to today.

i had a bit of a rough day. came home in a foul mood and proceeded to make dinner and do all the other things that there is no way one woman should ever be expected to do . . . and then jason ( my sister's boyfriend who does not know Christ ) came over for the evening. we were all making dinner and doing dishes together. eric had just walked in--on his cell phone, stressing out about work and i just hung up the phone after having a less than satisfactory conversation with my mom. needless to say jason walked into mayhem in our home. which is fine. we are comfortable enough with him to be real and yet hope that somehow Christ can shine through our brokeness.

amid the chaos jason says in a joking matter, "wow, you guys are about the most stressed out couple i know!"

that comment hurt me deeply but my hurt was swallowed by the fifty other things i had going at the time.

soon after we sat down to play cards and i was hoping to somehow redeem his view of us by showing him how much fun we could be...but i seemed to forget just how competitive eric and i are. the possibility of showing jason the love of Christ went out the window with a moment of hasty anger from eric when his spade's partner busted their shot of winning by going nill with more than 3 spades:) whoops...

meanwhile all this crap is stirring in me. i felt like my life was failing at getting jason, or anyone else to see the light that lives within me. i was frustrated and a bit embarrassed but God was on a roll and He just kept it coming.

so the phone rings in the middle of our spades game. eric answers it and it's a friend that he plays basketball with on sunday nights. it just so happened to be the friend that brought all the uninvited/unpaid friends to play basketball last night. the tension between all the guys last night was really heavy i guess and he just called to kinda--well to let eric have some insight into what exactly that selfish tension put into motion.

this guy invited these two friends stratigically to reach out to them. they just started going to our church and had an elevated intrest in getting to know some godly guys a little better. they came to play so they could create some community. and what did our guys do? they were hateful toward them. they were so into their own selfish game that they forgot that this was supposed to be a ministry. as did us girls. these two guys left feeling dejected. because not one of the guys--the "godly" guys from our church bothered to talk to them or make them feel welcome. in fact, one might say that they did the opposite so that maybe they wouldn't come back the next time. so that they would get more playing time and so that us girls wouldn't get kicked off half of our court . . .

eric came back into the room where we were playing cards looking a bit down. he told us all what the conversation was about and expressed how silly and embarrassed he felt about the whole thing. the whole time i'm thinking,

"some great difference we are showing to jason."

what a day!

i tried to lay down tonight and just sleep off this anxious feeling inside my belly--and i couldn't. so here i am--attempting to write it away at 1 in the morning, all the while feeling ashamed.

ashamed is the best word for what i am feeling. ashamed is actually the only word to desribe what i am feeling...

i am ashamed that my life isn't different all the time. ashamed that my life doesn't always glow with His light shining through me. i feel deeply deeply ashamed that the differences that non believers see in me are not the same ones that Christ talked about when He said in the words of matthew,

LET ME TELL YOU WHY YOU ARE HERE.

YOU'RE HERE TO BE SALT SEASONING THAT BRINGS OUT THE GOD FLAVORS OF THIS EARTH. IF YOU LOSE YOUR SALTINESS, HOW WILL PEOPLE TASTE GODLINESS? YOU'VE LOST YOUR USeFULNESS AND WILL END UP IN THE GARBAGE.

HERE IS ANOTHER WAY TO PUT IT.

YOU'RE HERE TO BE LIGHT, BRINGING OUT THE GOD COLORS IN THE WORLD. GOD IS NOT A SECRET TO BE KEPT. WE'RE GOING PUBLIC WITH THIS--AS PUBLIC AS A CITY ON A HILL. IF I MAKE YOU LIGHT BEARERS YOU DON'T THINK I'M GOING TO KID YOU UNDER A BUCHET, DO YOu? I'M PUTTING YOU ON A LIGHT STAND. NOW THAT I'VE PUT YOU THERE ON A HILLTOP, ON A LIGHT STAND--

SHINE!

KEEP OPEN HOUSE, BE GENEROUS WITH YOUR LIVES. BY OPENING UP TO OTHERS YOU'LL PROMPT PEOPLE TO OPEN UP WITH GOD, THIS GENEROUS FATHER IN HEAVEN.


i am so ashamed of my blandness.

i am in tears over my inability to show others what a difference Jesus Christ can make in their lives.

i am broken over the fact that i think i am so good, so christian, so right. when i am deeply unworthy of the grace and patience He shows me everyday.

there is a difference that Jesus has made in my life. it is huge and it is beautiful! and i long to show that to others. but the one and only way to show an authentic difference to others is to have an authentic difference to show.

tonight i purpose to live my life so close to Jesus that others can't help see Him through me.

so i guess the moral of my story is:

there is no better setting for a sighting of Him than a full surrender of me.--the uprising