in the midst of my mess...

i feel a bit like a kid sent to my room to clean it. well i can see the floor now --that's the good news. i mean--at least i know what i am dealing with. the bad news is that the entire contents of the closet and dresser have now joined the already visible clutter, creating a mess of mass proportions! you know how things sometimes get worse before they get better? yeah, that's where i'm at in life.

my abuse group is drawing to a close. we've been at this for 6 grueling months and we now have about 3 weeks left. i wish that upon leaving this group i would be "all better". but i know that is not how it works. this group has been glorious at revealing the hurts of my wounded soul, which has helped me understand why i do what i do and how deeply it hurts the heart of God. this has been amazing and difficult and definately life changing. but...the part that sucks is that for the rest of my life i have to make tough, counter-intuitive desisions to preserve my emotional and spiritual health. which from this perspective seems impossible...


sometimes making the tough desisions is hard and then sometimes--like this past weekend, it's seemingly impossible!

it is just entirely easier to demand that everyone and everything else complete me...

even though i now know that a void of this magnitude can only be filled by the living God...still i keep trying to throw other stuff in there...with the high hopes of forgoing God's help and taking care of myself once again. seems safer--but is definatly lonlier...

so i have made the desision to continue to push toward God's reality being enough. if only i can continue be brave enough to face His reality, embrace the emotions that come with it, and then trust Him to take care of me in the midst of my mess.

i came across this old alanis morrissette song. and believe it or not alanis "gets" me. i don't always get her but...:) i can't express my current state of emotion better than she does here...

Precious Illusions--Alanis Morissette

you'll rescue me right?
in the exact same way they never did..
I'll be happy right?
when your healing powers kick in

you'll complete me right?
then my life can finally begin
I'll be worthy right?
only when you realize the gem I am?

but this won't work now the way it once did
and I won't keep it up even though I would love to 
once I know who I'm not then  I'll know who I am
but I know I won't keep on playing the victim

these precious illusions
in my head
did not let me down
when I was defenseless
and parting with them
is like parting
with invisible best friends

this ring will help me yet
as will you, knight in shining armor
this pill will help me yet
as will these boys gone through like water

but this won't work as well as the way it once did
cuz I want to decide between 
survival and bliss
and though I know who I'm not I still don't know who I am
but I know I won't keep on playing the victim

these precious illusions
in my head
did not let me down when
I was a kid 
and parting with them
is like parting with a
childhood best friend

I've spent so long firmly looking outside me
I've spent so much time living in survival mode