forest fire

"Spiritual growth requires discernment. we must learn to respond to the fresh wind of the Spirit. moses didn't ask or arrange for the burning bush. but once it was there he had to make a choice whether to turn aside and pay attention to the work of God. God's responsibility is to provide the burning bush. Our responsibility is to turn aside. i often forget this."

--john ortberg in The Life You've Always Wanted

God has chosen to forgo the burning bushes in my life and has opted for the forest fire.

i imagine that it is impossible for anyone remotely near a forest fire to ignore the grit of soot on their face and the heat from the tremendous blaze on their skin. i would imagine that they would have one thought, and one thought only. and that would be to move!!!

all my life, all i have ever done is move away from the fire...ignoring it to the best of my abilities. but the fire follows me in and out of every faze of my life. spreading to suprising places. places i never thought it could reach. places i least expect to find it. the burning bush is okay for the soft hearted. the forest fire is the only way that God gets to me--one of the blessed hard headed.

sometimes i feel like david in psalms. looking in every direction and always finding trouble. finding enemies and situations that stretch and pull and cause me to move out of the safe places and into the protecting arms of my Father.

because hey, if it were a burning bush He and i both know that i would never choose to look. i've made the forest fire the only way that He can speak to me. the only way i'll make time for Him. the only way He can distract me from my mindless earthly pursuits.

the forest fires of my life are the only times i have accepted that God is God and i am not. the forest fires are the only times that i allow myself to be saved by Him. to need Him. standing in the middle of a forest fire is when i have no choice but to admit that i would be lost without His fire jumping capabilities. i would perish. i would be nothing.

standing in the midst of yet another forest fire, i am trying my best to rely on my own strength to get me out of this one. HA! it is a ridiculous thought even as i type it. but standing in the middle of my life right now it seems to make the most sense. hmmmm...

just found out after a year and a half of impatient waiting that there is nothing physically that is keeping eric from reproducing. our 2 and a half year infertility issue is not him. which is wonderful. but that means it's me. that means it's me. that is one big burning bush contributing to this forest of fire.

just can't seem to figure out relationships. they are zapping me. they are wearing me out. the annoying mirrors that others are holding up to me right now are another aspect of this blaze that is beginning to surround me. small group is crappy. community feels non-existant. friends seem far away and unsafe. there are some relationships in my life that are on fire but i don't have the strength or the energy to work on putting them out.
another burning bush.

my journey into my past abuse has been heated for awhile. i feel like i am struggling to obtain oxygen in this area. struggling, struggling, struggling. and yet without the struggle i know i would never admit my need for Him. and yet i just want to run from the heat. run from this mess. run from all these things that are supposed to pull me closer to Him. it hurts. all of it. i don't want to look at it. any of it. i want to out run this.

roy told a true story a few weeks ago at church about this very thing. he said that there was a crew of fire fighters in the middle of a forest fire and they were definately on the losing end of the deal. the fire was closing in on them and about to surround them and overtake the entire crew of like 24 men. the captain of the crew considered his options and decided that they could never outrun the fire. that it would be worthless. that they would all die if they ran. but yet running is the only thing that seemed to make sense. but in the moment he thought of another option.

he told the guys to light a fire around them.

his crew looked at him like he was crazy and took off on foot in order to flee from the fire and save their lives the only way they knew how. the only way that made logical sense. the captain stayed in the fire's blazing path and lit a fire around him. the fire that he lit burned up the brush around him and he put his fireproof gear over him and said a prayer. the captain survived. he and two others were the only survivors. he survived because instead of out running the blaze he opted to stay in it. and figure it out. though i am sure it got hotter at first--though i am sure it was not at all comfortable--he made it out with his life. this fire fighting tactic has since saved many more lives besides just his own.

an amazing story. if i could only apply it to my life. because right now the only option that seems to make sense is to run for the hills. i have no idea what it would look like to stay. and let it all get hotter. . .