the middle

The Middle
-jimmy eat world

Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle, of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.
Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.

i keep playing this song over and over and over and over...louder and louder...hoping that somehow the words will become a part of me...a part of me and this crazy journey i'm on to find me...to be the me that God made me to be...

this whole being in the middle thing---whew! it sucks! but if i'm in the middle there must be an end that includes the middle all making sense one day...one day. one hopeful day.

things have been really hard lately...hard to live...to breathe...and yet hopeful...that there really is something more to this life than how i am living now. there really is more. this isn't it! now that--is hopeful.

i am in the middle of two lexi's right now. right in the naked middle. behind me lies a lexi that i would never go back to being--a Christ-less, joy-less, hard, self protective, lonely lexi. i look back at her with pity. deep inside i know i would never go back--but the saftey of her walls beckons me and all i want to do is find a bit of shade from the scorching heat of God's healing light.

so here i stand looking back at her and looking forward to a lexi who's only safety is in Christ. who is covered by something far greater and stronger than her own meager self-protection. but trusting Him...trusting Him seems an impossibility.

so here i am in the middle. probably the most painful place to be. if i took a step in either direction i would recieve some kind of shelter from the elements of life. but i can't move. i'm frozen in fear and shame. too scared to go back to the empty life i once lived and too ashamed to move any closer to the living God. i know it takes time. i know He is turing up the heat to force me to fall forward in exhaustion...but my knuckles are white as i'm concentrating on holding on for dear life right now...or at least that is my excuse--for now.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything everything will be alright.
alright.