trust

"when we fail to trust the real God, we do not escape trusting someone or something. trust, like breathing, and indeed, like worship, is inevitable. it is not that some people trust, some worship , some breathe, and others do not. we cannot fail to trust God without turning our trust to something that becomes a new god for us..."--dan b. allender

these words stop me in my tracks and make me question if or when i have really trusted God in my life--or if i've trusted me more, or church more, or eric more, or...the list goes on and on.

the truth is-- i don't really trust God, day in day out, moment by moment. i trust me...and God...and that combination doesn't really work...because i end up interupting God in the middle of a sentence or answering before He speaks. making Him into whatever i want Him to be or need Him to be or whatever is easiest for me...

trusting God is my biggest struggle right now...and trusting the right god. as i do my best impression of someone waiting on God i find myself questioning if i know God at all?

who is it am i trying to trust, anyway?

i am thirsty for an answer to this question. not the easy answer either, not the one that i've memorized or learned in sunday school but a God and lexi face to face answer. a relational, real, meaningful answer...not that those answers we all memorized wern't relational and real but they were relational and real for someone else and i am deeply committed not to rush to any conclusion to this question but to search, and yearn and

except the ticket that Jesus gave me that is good for one life of earthshaking face to face encounters with God Himself!!!
this is better than front row seats, this is backstage passes!!!

until now i think i've been too content and a little scared to actually KNOW Him. . .scared that if i ever got too close that He would rearrange my whole world!!! while i'm still a little scared of this i am faced with this trust matter every where i look--and if i am to trust someone--really trust them--i must truly know them...and here i am.