combustication

A decade ago, I never thought I would be
At twenty-three on the verge of spontaneous combustion,
Woe is me
But I guess that it comes with the territory
An omnious landscape of never-ending calamity
I need you to hear, I need you to see
That I have had all I can take and
Exploding seems like a definite possibility to me

so pardon me while i burst...

Pardon me -- by incubus

things just seem so crazy/out of control. i'm on an informational overload, an emotional overload plus i have all these crazy self constructed walls falling down all around me! it's all so much...it's all too much...sometimes i feel like there is too much "stuff" to fit in this body.
my skin feels like it's stretched tight across all the stuff that i keep in.
and it's not that it's new stuff. it's stuff that's always been there--but in this season of my life i am becoming so keenly aware of it all...of the dissappiontments...of the masks...and of the gradual dissapearance of the girl that God created...little by little until what you see today is all that's left of her.

as i am mourning my losses--taking the first step toward healing--i feel naked. i feel like i am walking through life with no make-up on. you know the feeling. you don't really want to look anyone in the eyes and then--no doubt--you run into just the person that you fear running into the most--someone (dressed impeccably) who has caught you with out your make-up on several times recently and is beginning to make silent assumptions of how you live your life. assumptions that you want to kick and scream against. but the ironic thing is, it's the true assumptions that we have such an abhorance to. the ones that are innaccurate are laughable. it's only the assumptions that are too close for comfort, that i stubbornly resist.

assumptions like she is falling apart. assumptions like she has no idea what she is doing in life. assumptions like she is weak. assumptions like she is needy. she is lacking. she is hurt. she is not much underneath that facade...

as i walk around in life-- actually feeling for the first time--i am a new person every day. He re-makes me everyday. every sunrise marks the renewal of His grace. of my grace. every morning i wake up just that much closer to the lexi that He knew i was all along. the lexi that doesn't have to tell herself who to be but the lexi that knows she is loved and just "is". it's His grace that makes all this change possible. it is His grace that helps me invite people in--people that have been standing at my door and knocking for a long time...His grace sustains me and is slowly becoming all i need--or want.

but...the feelings...oh the feelings. it is a completely foreign concept to me to let myself--
my feelings
--be hurt and not get instantly angry or offensive. it is as foreign to me as never having seen fire and one day finding myself drawn to the mysterious substance and then--getting burnt. my automatic reaction is panic,

"what the h--- is this!?!"

the second reaction is tears...lots and lots of tears.
tears that come from far away places. places that make the "combusting" seem preferable to going there...

but in all of this there is hope. a deep and cool blue hope. a hope that make the flames seem temporary. that make the bursting seem worthwhile. because one day soon it will be extinguished. one day soon that luminous blue hope will settle all around me to stay. no longer will it be beautiful in the distance but it will be glorious all around. and that urges me to continue on this journey of healing...on this journey toward God...and me. toward God and me...

so stars burst--right?

and that's the only reason we can even see them.
without the bursting their beauty would be impossible to behold.

so perhaps i am a star...
who would never be seen without all the bursting...

so pardon me while i burst--into flames.