what a beautiful mess i'm in

well it feels as if i've lost it all. just like He tells me to. when do i get to start the finding part of this process???

last weekend God has shook the ground that i am so accustom to walking on and created a beautiful mess of a life for me to live. a mess that takes friends, community and eric off the pedestal and leaves room only for Him. oh but He is a jealous God!!! oh but His lessons are not easy to learn! but oh how He must love to have me right where i am...grasping, clawing at something to hold onto--something to sustain me when everything has already given away under the weight of life.

when i stand back and look at the chaos He has created, it is amazing and breathtaking how everything fell right into place and i am so ignorantly self centered to think that there is something that i could have done to stop it. He knew what i would do and why i would do it. He knew that i needed to take a closer look at this particular ugly shortcoming of mine. He knew just the time to do it and prepared in each heart the way to make it happen for His glory.

in this beautiful mess of His there is rhyme and reason. there is a whole bunch of lives that all met at one tumultuious crossroads and there was one unforgettable crash that we all survived and sustained much damage--that only our Creator can fix.

pride goes before a fall. as roy says, 'you can't fill a glass that's already full.' i couldn't describe it any better than that. we were all pretty full. pretty happy. pretty okay without trusting God for our next step. we all thought that we had it under control. oh how He emptied us out that night. but oh the beauty in beholding how perfectly all the stories came together to be touched so differently by the same night.

He is amazing that He can create artistry in calamity. beauty in chaos. what an author! what a God! what a crossroads! what a life...

all that aside. what do i do now?