my trust fall

it's been awhile since i've played the game of "trust". the game where you have a partner and you take turns falling backward and catching each other. do you remember? i always did have a hard time playing that game. i was a great "catcher" just not a very good "truster". i would catch myself just enough so that if my partner was to forget about me, i wouldn't land quite so hard. so that just in case-- it wouldn't hurt so bad. but i was sneaky about it--i would let them half catch me and then get up and say, "i really did it that time! i really trusted you!" and my partner would just look at me a little doubtfully and continue playing.

there's something about this game...there's something exhilarating about really free falling and then being caught. whether i'm playing the game or living life, when it comes to trusting i've always protected myself from that out of control falling feeling. i've never trusted in anything but myself to take care of me. not even God. in saving myself everytime this instance comes up i have never quite gotten the full effect of the give and take. i am always just a little too scared in that moment of question. scared of the dissappiontment. scared of the hurt. just too scared to trust.

i think there is a deep longing built into the human heart that longs to be protected. that longs to be "caught". i think my longing was disappionted by people so often in my childhood that somewhere along the way i picked up a style of relating that made sure i could never be hurt in this area again...i built walls high and strong enough that everyone who approached was discouraged by my stony appearance. in meeting Christ and openly choosing to live the rest of my life in active worship--that is yearning to be like Him--my walls have slowly started crumbling. i mean, who can love--truly love without being vulnerble? my walls had to come down. the initial crumbling made me scared. at first i was very overaware of anyone that i let close enough to see me. but in the joy and exhileration of the new and amazing sensation that is "being known", i forgot the guard at all.

yesterday my "what if" happened. the "what if" that i've been protecting myself from my whole life long. my new vulnerbility was met with an attack. whether the attack was intentional or unintentional is really of no importance. to me it felt like a death blow. and sitting in a room with some of my closest friends and my husband i expected someone, ANYONE, to rush to my protection. to my defense. i was speechless. i was completely speechless because the only words i had to say would have hastily rebuilt the walls that have been so long in coming down.

so far i have shown my vulnerbility to people that have handled my heart tenderly. and to be fair, the offending party has no idea of my story. of my vulnerble song. but in my new expirience of vulnerbility i have not yet had to face the reality of fallen man. the reality that i will be hurt. the reality that no one will protect me from that DEEP DEEP HURT. in the moment all i felt was rage--my whole body was on FIRE and i did my best to hide it in a ramirez laugh/cry. (see below)

definition--the laugh cry is an defense mechanism that is known only to the 4 ramirez girls. it is a joke between close friends that have observed this strange phenomenon:) when the ramirez girls are overwhelmed with hurt or fear or sorrow, they laugh/cry. it's weird. they are the people that laugh at funerals. and sob at rodeos:)

anyway.

in that moment the laugh came, the suprised-hurt-i-can't-handle-these-emotions-laugh
that is almost always followed by uncontrolable sobs. well...i refused to be "that girl" that gets her feelings hurt too easily and tried to stuff my tears down deep into my throat but couldn't. just couldn't. as soon as small group was over i just wanted to be alone. i couldn't bear to lose it in front of everyone. so i went to the bathroom and stayed there for a while and did my best to get it together. i walked out with my head high but then i encountered my husband in the hall. and he asked the dreaded question that dug the sob up from where i had so carefully hidden it. we slipped into the extra bedroom and i managed to say enough words for him to understand that i needed him to get everyone out of the house as soon as possible and not draw attention to the fact that i was not joining in the post small group chat that i typically adore. he exited and lynz entered. my best friend did what best friends do and was on to me:) she saw the interaction that had hurt me so deeply and came in to talk. or to let me cry, as it turned out. in that moment i was so the girl crying in the bathroom with the hurt feelings that i have have hated all my life! life always comes full circle with me...always. i felt so jr. high-ish! then another of my great friends came looking for me just to talk but my tearstreaked face begged for an explaination. ughhh! wow...i was so that girl...so that girl...

soon enough everyone left and our friends the perry's stayed to talk...and explore me and my hurt. they gently guided me with truth and love to an amazing place. a place that i was able to be honest in my dissappiontment of them as my friends and the unprotection and betrayal i felt from my husband. i have been reading about all these confusing feelings and how they are directly related to so much of my ugly abusive past and last night it came out in one big twisted knot of raw emotion.

so i tell all of this for a reason i promise. i tell all of this to say that last night i finally fell back into the arms of God and He caught me. my self protection was not in the way for the first time. in feeling deep pain for the first time without saving myself, He was the only one that could make it all better. the hurt was too much for anyone else to handle. His deft fingers were the only ones that could sew up the wound in my soul.

i fell back.
and was caught.
and it was beautiful.

i stayed up way too late enjoying this new found intimacy with my Father. i just sat on my back porch under the night sky...and for the first time i climbed into His lap and let Him comfort me. i found strength in His understanding. i felt loved in His strong arms. i felt exhilerated.

yeah, the hurt still hurts. it stings today like none other! but there is something to TRUSTING that the God of the universe loves me. really depending on that to erase everything else.

last night, the God that hand crafted the beautiful full moon that all of this happened under, "caught" me in my trust fall.

He was there. loving me. protecting me. He was not capable of betraying me. or hurting me. and is forever available for me to run to when people, only humanly, let me down. and i got that. i really got that last night. it went from my mouth and head, straight to my heart.

so...last night.

it turned out to be a great night after all. i played my first ever game of "trust" with the God of the universe. and i am so the annoying kid that says,

"again, again, daddy. again, again!"

and since His love is never ending, i am looking forward to a lifetime of expiriencing His love and protection...and i can't wait!