meant for so much more

so here i am. standing at the edge of this metaphorical cliff. stepping off means letting go of everything "me" and trusting nothing but Him.

i am a bit different from most in that i am not afraid of heights persay--
i am mostly just afraid of falling.
that i-would-rather-die-than-be-suspended-midair-not-knowing-where-my-stomach-is
kinda feeling.

yeah.

that.

hate that.

hate that out of control feeling...as if i am in control otherwise. ha. i took a trust fall with God last week and He caught me so what do i have to be afraid of now? same old stuff? really? all over again?

that i won't be in control? that it won't be pretty? that it might hurt? yup...same old fears. same old fears. even though He did all He could do to show me otherwise, it's those same old fears that keep my feet planted here--instead of just jumping in. into His grace. into His provision. into His arms.

see, i'm good here on the edge. actually i'm way more comfortable a few steps back. back there it's all me. there is no one else--and because of my depravity--the whole not needing God thing is really tempting. even though i know different. i know that back there it gets lonely. it gets ugly. gets confusing. but this damn edge gets confusing too! really confusing!!! sometimes i feel like i could just jump...accidentally. that is so one of my worst fears. when i am on a ski lift or a cliff or any where that i am not seatbelted down, i am so scared that my body will just--do it. just jump. that's how it feels now. i am looking over this relational cliff so scared that the honest words will just come pouring out of my mouth. it is so much harder to be here on the edge than a few comfortable steps back. actually a few miles would be nice! except i've been miles away before. and i didn't like it then...
i am so not built for this edge. i am built to fly.
i was meant for so much more than this dusty old cliff. He and i both know it. i hate this edge. He says that He hates the edge more than me! He says hot or cold. no middle. no edge. and yet i've been camped out on this edge for so long i almost think it's where i belong. i can talk myself into this being the right place to be. i can talk myself into just staying here.

i am convinced that He is behind me, in so many events and circumstances, pushing me closer and closer to my fear. the pebbles beneath my feet are slipping off the side and into the great crater below. increasing the reality factor and doing nothing to quell my fear.

i know my only choice is to jump. jump into the abyss of God's grace and provision and COMPLETE CONTROL. but those are scary words. and i don't wanna! all i can think about is falling. flying is hardly even a passing thought. i'm standing here looking at a very scary, very real cliff. jumping means changing my life in so many ways and trusting Him that He will be enough in all of it.
scary.
real.
everyday faith stuff.
but i am so sick and tired of this edge that stepping off is starting to sound really good.

so here i go...who knows what's next...