my own two feet

i am the prodigal forever trying to get up from my knees.

i am the prodigal who has come back home and deserves nothing.

but the longer i am near my Father the more i try to impress Him with all i've learned since coming back.

the longer i am near my Father the more i think He wants me to "do" something for Him.

in trying to stand up on my own two feet i end up tripping all over them and end up right where i began--on my knees.

it's almost like He wants me to stay here or something... accepting all He has to offer me, accepting His guilt-free gifts and undeserved blessings.

the problem is i try to deserve them.

i feel guilty when i recieve them.

because i am proud.

because i'm mad at myself for not deserving them
--for being a screw up--
as if without Him i could be anything else...