finding myself in the wake of others and following my own...

finding myself in the wake of others...

so eric and i were just laying in bed and had pretty much the deepest disscussion we've ever had. wow. i came in to blog about it just so i wouldn't forget the conclusions we came to.

so we started talking about eric's inablility to let loose with kids at church. and he said that his participation in helping with kidzone tonight would have been drastically different if the rest of the adults in the room weren't there. it was the adults opinion--me included--that caused him the most anxiety when thinking about "letting loose". so i was trying to push him a bit and ask him why and stuff and then he got real deep on me and told me he would tell me something if i promised to just love him. of course i said i would and he proceeded to tell me that there are some people--random people--that really intimidate him.

if you know eric, that is really saying something. eric is not only a social butterfly but is also extremely bold in social situations--i was surprised to find that we shared this secret intimidation. he named of a few people that we both know. quite a random lot and the funny thing was they were the same people that intimidate me! we proceeded blindly into the conversation slowly uncovering the feelings that we share when encountering these people--feelings of

super sensitivity and self protection.

feelings of self consiousness and hypocracy.

we decided that the reason these particular people intimidate us is because

they have something that we don't.

and then we went even further than that and said that

we are jealous of them for being someone we can't.

and then a step further than that and finally came to the realization that

the reason that we feel intimidated by these certin people's presence is because they are extremely comfortable in their own skin. they know who they are and are not afraid to act that way. they recognize their personal strengths and weaknesses and are fearful of nothing...seemingly enough anyway.

it was weird that all the people we were talking about were Christ followers. i know plenty of people that i am intimidated by that are not christians. but their intimidation repells me instead of attracts me. i started to think about that and thought maybe, just maybe, the Christ followers that intimidate me are so boldly themselves because they know Jesus and are conviced of the fact that He loves Him just the way they are and they pass that on. in their world their best friend is the King and because of that there is nothing to be afraid of. eric and i decided that is why we always feel like we are lying when we are around them. we do not act like ourselves because we are so busy taking self protective measures that we loose track of who we are and who we aren't and end up feeling like a fraud...but only around people that are not doing the same thing as we are. the truth is the majority of people are like eric and i--constant self protectors. and these people that intimidate us--we pretty much avoid them. it's not like we dislike them. there are many people in my list of "intimidators" that i love and respect. but we avoid their presence because it makes us uncomfortable.

following my own...

so then we started asking ourselves who we make uncomfortable. wow! what a revelation! here lately i have felt like people don't like me. when i talk they give me blank stares or when i am authentic they are speechless or avoid the topic of disscussion that i have brought up. i have found that there are many people that i do this to. not on purpose...at first.

at first i am just being me. and then i feel misunderstood so i embellish the feeling and make it bigger so i feel superior. wow! what a rude wake i have been leaving in people's lives. i am the rude speed boat that zooms by while others are trying to learn to ski, being completly unaware of anything but me! how careless i have been with my life. i have been so blind for so long about how i make other people feel. and it is not the method that needs to change, it is the motive behind the method.

everything i have done thus far has been motivated by selfish gain. if it were instead motivated by love...how different would my life look? what if i wasn't trying to use each and every conversation as leverage to help everyone see me as superior? what if every conversation i had was motivated by love for the other person? what if i trusted God enough in every interaction that i had with another human, that i could simply be who He made me? why does is all HAVE to come back to trusting God?

no self protection.

just me.

no more. no less.